free will, destiny, and surrender in the face of “stagnation”

photo by Anita Saini

we have all gone through periods of time during which it seemed we could not be more STUCK. perhaps we asked ourselves, “what more can I possibly do to shift this? why won’t it shift?” – or, perhaps we took no action at all, still hoping that the stagnation would shift. the point of this article is, how do we know when we have done “enough” – and we should sit back and let “destiny” take its course, versus when we really need to bust some logistical (and otherwise) moves? and how does the notion of surrender factor into this?

for starters, it is important to understand that we each have particular LIFE CYCLES. in my mind’s eye and in my experience both personally and professionally, life cycles run in many different circles and many different categories in life, and all pointing to a much larger and more “big picture” circle that correlates to destiny — and these cycles as well as the larger cycle (aka a destiny point on the octagon) are SO DIFFERENT and nuanced for each of us. this is why it can be a challenge to get proper or helpful advice from others…not only will one typically look (unwittingly) narrowly through their own lens or through a lens of clinical data (because really, how many practically intuitive, sane, and wholistic guides are out there?), but the understanding of something like destiny in more structured settings (therapy, particular healing, etc) is just not “there” yet. in addition, things like “psychic readings” will likely only cause more confusion during this sort of time (a stagnant life cycle germane to either free will or destiny or both); the reason being, if we are in a pivotal point of decision-making, our higher self will be both tested and required to trust itself. psychic readings are the opposite of trusting one’s self — unless, of course, TOTAL non-attachment is applied to them. and then, really what is the point?

the thing is, when we are in a period of profound stagnation and it is a result of divine will (specifically directed by our higher self and higher order in general), we are essentially not allowed to “change” or stop it. this is very different from being lazy. I have had plenty of lazy friends and acquaintances in my life. the ones who expect the world to bend to them because they got out of bed that day and breathed. and many of those people will ALWAYS be that way — waiting for your come-up so that you can owe them something. yes. anyhow, when we are “not allowed” to stop a particular cycle, because that cycle is essential to our soul’s growth, we will duly note the pain of this process. this may happen during or not during a dark night of the soul. and before you assume you have been in a dark night of the soul since it is a suddenly trendy topic, I suggest sincerely understanding what one is. there is very old scripture about it. and if you are in one, you do not know you are in one – until perhaps at the very end of one or years later. so, where is the middle ground? what can we do with these different life cycles, as they pertain to various over-arching cycles such as dark nights or not dark nights? it is within the container/purpose of said over-arching cycle that we might begin to understand it and what to “do” or NOT “do” about it. one might even consider this over-arching cycle an example of the actual CONTAINER of a dark night of the soul, if that is not too confusing to imagine. in other words, cycles are the structure, and the nuanced (emotionally and otherwise) aspects that come from them are the described experience within that structure.

I have covered, in other posts, what to “do” when one is in a dark night of the soul or a similar process. but, what if you are not in a dark night? what if a particular cycle is SO ongoing — encompassing random or several different over-arching cycles, INCLUDING dark nights of the soul — that you truly can not decipher it? well, the first part of understanding and therefore potentially surrendering to an ongoing and unpreferred life cycle is to know that these circles of life truly exist with or without your action. similar to a dark night of the soul, but different in that cycles are containers first and experiences second. a dark night of the soul is an experience. a cycle is destined and part of your destiny. you might consider, as a metaphor, astrology or numerology, though I am not referring specifically to either of those — because what I see are imminent periods during which we can do whatever we like, but the periods remain…often, surprisingly, to halt us as it will relate to our life’s purpose.

it’s ALMOST like the weather (only metaphorically, in terms of how to navigate — the climate can change, whereas I am suggesting that a life cycle can not because it is actually set at birth) – we know it is raining, and then we decide what to do within that climate. we don’t try to stop the rain, we just adjust. a life cycle that is destined for us will not budge, no matter what we do – just like the rain IN THAT MOMENT OF IT. and free will can only determine our experience within that cycle, not the cycle itself. if we do not focus on stopping the rain, but rather upon the experience of the rain itself, we ease some present-tense confusion and suffering. the reason that the metaphoric rain would not stop is often in order to slow down how your purpose will affect many other people. let’s say you are destined to affect a few many, or a great many — either way, your impact will effectively “bring others with you”, since we are connected to the collective. every thing we do or say impacts the collective in ways we could never fully understand. that said, what if that record you are making has to be ruined 5x over before destiny hits and you are able to release it to millions of people, because the impact of such is designed to move others forward in some way and they have to be READY in order to move? or, what if that baby you are supposed to have is supposed to wait to arrive at a very particular time because s/he is coming to completely impact several lives that will then be altered and affect many others? what if we were to understand that the rain, in place to stop or slow us down for a period of time, was truly divine plan and in favor of divine order? nothing can fight divine order, by the way… this is also to say that not all cycles are dark nights or intended to be perceived as such. but, it doesn’t mean that the stagnation is not excruciating. the first way to understand this without going mental is to consider divine order and destiny. it will call for our soul and mind to connect in a new way in order for us to do this. aka soul’s growth. aka surrender and well as established FAITH. these core elements may actually be required of us, particularly if we are “doers”…chances are, our life and everything that happens in it will affect so many people even if we don’t know how. and because we live in a still partial 3d linear world, we are coordinated with other PEOPLE and their cycles.

look to examples or experiences of others. just as I will share mine here in this post, and as I share throughout my blog, look also to others or older folks or better yet folks who have accomplished a WHOLE lot in life — as reference points for your potential “stagnation”, to understand it from another lens. you might be wondering where the line is drawn between taking too much action and not taking enough…well, I would say to erase that line, because chances are if you are even concerned about it, then you have already “done” enough and you are just in a period that can not be stopped right now. this doesn’t mean take no action, it just means that you are being required to understand that no “wrong” action can actually impact when this period ends. what can be impacted is your experience of the period or cycle, only. how do you want your experience to be? this is where surrender comes in…and once we are surrendered, we can effectively decide how to feel – no matter how hard that is. it’s regardless, a choice.

for example. for 3 full years of my life, I planned to move residences. every single season I planned this, something would come up to ruin it. in addition, my difficulty in terms of my logistical circumstances seemed to increase. or, ebb and flow. the difficulty was increased based on my internal experience and interpretation of this cycle (the cycle was, I was not allowed to move – period!) versus the actual logistics. I had to be careful to not exacerbate the logistical difficulties I was facing, based on my emotional response to the stimuli. yes, there was only so much control I had over the logistical difficulties. what bothered me the most, though, was, “am I doing enough to change this?” — I wanted to know if I had somehow either caused or helped create my uncomfortable dynamic. part of me was convinced that I had created it, because I was definitely living in the “we create our reality” zone…which, is a fine zone, within reason. I didn’t want to concede to the fact that I was in a life cycle, because it was still a bit easier to believe that I was to blame or cause for EVERYTHING in my life. so perhaps I took and still take TOO much responsibility. despite understanding or starting to understand “life cycles”. circles. so, year after year, every reason that could surface to stop me from moving surfaced. it was only after a few numerology consults and other pieces to other puzzles coming together that I understood and saw my process from a concrete 9-year cycle mountaintop. this 9-year cycle, a closing cycle, was not one that I ever could have escaped. it was there, I was trapped at my residence, and there was nothing that I was “supposed” to do to change it. writing that makes me twitch a little bit, because even I really don’t like to be that surrendered around something as important as a living environment. yet, I believe it to be true now. were my efforts to change my circumstances a waste? no. was my emotion regarding my situation, at times, a waste? yes. what I might have learned, as well, HAD I actually moved, was that the logistical circumstances that displeased me — or something similar — would have surfaced again simply relative to my cycle. I am also now clearly, in retrospect, understanding WHY — in a larger context, this took place.

so my lazy friends and acquaintances. how to know if you are that. well, you would have to complain a whole lot and take no action — just enjoy complaining. if this is you, then there is no way to know whether you are in a life cycle or not. you will have to truly test the waters (more than once) and have a thicker skin to determine whether this is a cycle or a big nudge from the Universe to change your ways. testing the waters means committing to several new changes internally, combined with at least one logistical effort to alter the logistics of your situation. if that is not you, though, if you have tried hard, consider the fact that you have done all of the right things…consider your cycle. and why…

our life is not all about us. it is about every single soul that we come into contact with. do you know how many years I spent single? many. I’m talking no dates, no nothing. obviously, if I really “wanted” or forced the matter, it would have happened. and I would have been just like the many unhappy people I see all around. and I knew that. I knew that my cycle of singledom was yes, a “choice”, but a higher self slash life cycle choice. I knew that my person was not in those years, and that’s just what it was. we often ask questions that we do NOT want the real answers to — which is why we visit psychics. psychic readings in general are simply mirrored back dissertations of your own conscious and unconscious thoughts…they pass the time is all. so, I generally left that topic of my life alone in various readings I had unless it was regarding a very specific person or “of the moment” circumstance. in terms of “big picture”? nah. I knew better. and additionally despite my therapist at the time telling me that I was “scared”, well, maybe…but still not scared enough to shut “it”/my destiny down. I just understood very well my cycle. like I have often been attuned to throughout my life. but understanding just decreases the suffering…it doesn’t stop the cycle. again, the energy of the difference between understanding and ending a cycle will feel confusing. in retrospect, regarding both moving residences and my absent dating chronicles, I had to separate my emotion from understanding what was actually taking place. I had to also see that my free will was really only there to determine the quality of my experience, because it was happening no matter what.

when we have the courage to truly listen to our inner self, we develop a certain magic…this magic is described by the information we receive as a result of listening to hard answers. magic is not found in bypassing through what we want to hear. magic is truth. everything opposite to that is black magic — it wears off before midnight and turns a runny muddy color. magic is sustainable. black magic is sudden and unsustainable. when we develop faith and surrender to truth and what is, the truth both within us and within the collective, we have access to magic. nothing is more present tense than connecting to truth. present tense is when it is possible to change all realities — seemingly defying the nature of an imminent cycle, determined by destiny…but here is the thing…once we reach this stage of present tense magic, because we have surrendered at every turn, our cycle is ready to end.

I write this on the heels of several conversations I’ve had with people about their cycles. there have been particular women who visited me with fertility concerns, and I could tell just by looking at them that they were in a cycle — that their season would start in a few years, but not now. because their season was so important. those connected to their truth would only agree with me, not because they were reliant upon me, but because they already knew the truth and what that FEELS like. non-truth feels like a blanket. real truth feels like a band-aid being ripped off, but it feels “right”. even if the truth is favorable, there will be something difficult about it because something must be transcended when there are heavy questions in life. it’s a chess board, in a sense. and in this sense, we are affecting everyone and they are affecting us, based on destiny points. destiny points are so strong, that no matter our cycle, we will be placed in times and spaces — whilst considering the very ABSENCE of time and space! — that support our truth connecting to divine will. a tangible example of this would be…

earlier this year I crossed paths with a very benevolent (in my opinion) individual in the public eye. I knew very little about this person, prior to physically running into them, other than what media reports reported. of course the actual energy of a person can be different or much more involved than what a public profile shows. when we initially crossed physical paths, we were placed equidistant to a door that we were both walking toward. behind this door was an experience that we had to wait for, for at least 6 minutes. being the only people behind that door except for a few employees and another patron, we were “forced” to “see” one another. I was struck by what I felt spiritually around this person — they held an incredible force-field. and, I know they felt mine. it was an awkward feeling for me. that said, it was such an obvious and divine placement (also considering the fact that I ignored my daily routine that day for the first time in months…due to some synchronicity) that I knew I would see this person again. some months later, I was in another public place. this time, it was one that I could not leave for at least an hour. this same individual walked in, and that strong feeling encompassed me again — they were seated directly across from me. it was a scene from a movie that I would write. the unconscious dialogue was strong and again, awkward for me, but I will say this: those two very loud encounters were divine and they are not over with. I’ve written about other individuals this has happened with, and there is destiny in each encounter. some of those destinies occurred years later and pertained to very specific things or aspects of my life and what I am creating. the point here is, no matter what this individual was doing in their life or what I am doing in mine, destiny “trapped” us alongside and directly in eye-line with one another for a reason. this has to do with: cycles. I won’t go into the more nuanced details so as to respect privacy here, but the cycle aspect of physically crossing paths is loud and destiny. now connected to this, what if the other cycles of seeming (and actual, actually!) stagnation in my life were “fixed” when I wanted them to be? well, I will tell you…the important and divine encounters I had would not have been able to be arranged as so — because my life and my purpose involves other people and their lives must be accommodated too. just like yours affects others and vice versa…and when we run in the same cycles or circles as another person, we are essentially walking each other home…and toward circles of destiny that touch one another.

I wanted to write about this today because a lot of people give themselves a hard time (I have been one of them) when it comes to their life looking a certain way. what it “should” look like. but the thing is, when we are honest, we are tested…in ways that seemingly others are not. these tests are like higher levels of the video game of life that bear more fruit when passed. if we have a problem for every solution that we do not understand, we will never make it to the next level. if we enjoy complaining and don’t try, well, that’s not a cycle that’s a personality. and if we can surrender to “what is” by knowing the difference between making an effort and understanding divine will, we can use our free will to color the EXPERIENCE within our cycle.

cycles run in different territories and LENGTHS OF TIME for each of us. I am not joking when I say that one of my cycles went on for more than two decades. does that suck? yes. but, not if I understand the fruit that will come from honoring the Universe’s will by understanding my will and personal faith and surrender. cycles are or can be VERY HARD. and acceptance of that is crucial. full acceptance (note I didn’t say desire or even tolerance for) of our cycles — what they look like, how long they go on — will so color our present tense that by the time we are there (which, well, can technically be in an “instant”! sorry to trip you out with the seemingly contradictory theories here…but I know that some of you will understand), our cycle is OVER. it is important to note the understanding of “cycles” will come when a period has ended, and you fully understand that no matter your logistical and/or tangible actions, the cycle — due to a divine over-arching cycle and destiny — could have been no other way/shape/form/duration at its very core. it is the hindsight, if you can outline any of these cycles (and it is ok if you can not — there is always a first), that will reveal just how designated it was. this will help you as you approach (or continue) other cycles. keep doing your best to live the best version of that cycle until you reach a point of bliss in knowing that you are in the exactly perfect place. your inner growth and your outer world are actually working in invertly simultaneous parallel tandem with one another, in the most divine and magical way.