discerning energy will save/start your life

photo by Anita Saini

we (most of us) are taught to not judge. I know I was taught to not judge. I was taught such in healthy ways, and also in VERY unhealthy ways. I’ll start with the healthy ways: “treat the garbage man like you would the President and vice versa — everyone is the same underneath”. and I agree with this mentality. I’ve never placed someone on a higher platform because of their appearance, money, status or anything exterior. I can’t even imagine judging someone based on their exterior (perhaps since I have always been so attuned to the interior). I believe in equal rights — and I also do not believe in equal energy. I’ll get to this part later in the post.

when my lack of judgement failed me in my personal life, over and over, and I began to change the cognitive algorithm of my mind that had been conditioned to exist only for others and their needs, I began to learn to discern. as my instincts have always been incredibly strong, I was taught early on that the polar opposite of them was true. this was so that others could live however they wanted. if I was to constantly question my own reality and thoughts, others could run over me all day. and they did.

as you will read throughout the blog, which includes much of my personal journey, I have done a tremendous amount of personal work. self-help. reflection. often to the point in which I didn’t let myself off the hook enough. I still don’t let myself off the hook enough. but that’s part of my work — my journey. and I’m grateful for it. with this vulnerability of mine, I don’t risk translating as disingenuous (at least to a sane person). and through all of this work, I have learned something that has not only saved, but continues to “start” my life when I am stuck. this thing is called: discernment. and this is the fundamental blindspot that people employ me to assist them with.

we all have blindspots, and those blindspots cater themselves to discernment or the lack thereof. we can discover some of those blindspots in therapy or through chatting with friends or taking a course or learning from someone who knows what they are talking about because they have lived it, but some of those blindspots no one is talking about — because they have not only not lived the nature of them, but very few people have and so very few people are even writing about it. this is one of the reasons that one of my pre requisite books is Dancing The Dream by Jamie Sams. she speaks my language, the language that my mind and heart understood when I joined this planet as a human being. the very nature of the blindspots I am talking about exists beyond the veil — beyond the human body, words and actions (or lack thereof). I am talking about how to help people recognize physics (aka energy), versus human behavior. and there is a BIG difference between the two.

the number one reason for stuckness is the inability to discern energy. we stay here because we are (obviously) protecting some old shit in our head (ego). this cognitive dissonance forces us between a rock and a hard place, because we have been trained to “not judge” and we have not been trained beyond what the eyes can see and the ears can hear…

some of us are naturally adept at discerning energy and we don’t even know it. some of the top lawyers and doctors I’ve met have it on fleek. they can discern ALL day, but they don’t give it the same credibility or connotation as I am writing about here. they call it “experience” or “education”, when in fact they simply have the ability to see beyond the veil (this also factors into my point that no, not all energy is created equal). that notion is still too scary for most of us though. but I am going to break it down here as best I can.

first of all, we are all traumatized. most of us are in active trauma whether we realize it or not. rich or poor. ugly or attractive. regardless of appearance or status or the nonsense that our culture perpetuates as having actual meaning. and with this, we are all triggered all day — because we exist. we don’t even know how or when we are triggered because it is so often and automatic. if we are not in therapy or some type of mirrored self-work, we are at a great disadvantage. if we settle for a therapist or “helper” who tells us what we want to hear, we are perpetuating our disadvantage. we have high-class problems in this country like ego and power and control quests. every time I travel outside of the country I am amazed by the lightness and genuine issues non-Americans face. we are a collective of material privilege, across the board, regardless of where and how we live in this country. this compounds our issue around discerning from an energetic vantage point.

just like in immediate families (healthy or unhealthy), our media at large has taught us — since we were little — how and what to think. it still does, and we actually believe that we are independent thinkers. lol. I’m not going to touch on that because it will improve nothing, but I want to make it clear that each of us is a sponge – more so than we realize. our life depends on repeating our earliest memories and experiences (WHATEVER THEY WERE) hence thoughts and beliefs hence feelings. our actual consciousness is only as good as what we were taught it exactly was/is in our most formative years. a lot of what we were taught we do not remember — because it is on repeat all day and night in the background of our consciousness. and/or, simply because it is too traumatic. and we wonder why we are “stuck” or “depressed”. as Americans we actually have the luxury to be “stuck” or “depressed”. yes, myself included. it is simply our reality.

but if we step outside of the box and look — I mean really look at our individual (stop focusing on other people for God’s sake) lives, we can question why we insist on not only repeating the same self-story in our minds, but also why we do/do not discern and therefore attract the same patterns. I’m not talking about psychological discernment here, I write about that PLENTY throughout this blog. I am talking about the invisible. the “I just have a feeling”…which has little or no logic to it. in fact, it will often negate the very logic of the mind in the first place. and this is a GOOD thing!

things are not what they seem. people are not what they seem. we are just energies in human suits (how many of us are ACTUALLY able to analyze what’s moving in and out of those suits?). we are being shown this over and over, but we refuse to believe it because of our psych patterns. but what would it take to unlock xyz for us and “unstuck” us, aside from therapy and self-reflection? it would take honest intuition. and in order to be honest with our intuition, we have to have this thing called integrity. and we have to be able to spot that integrity in others. so yes, what I am saying is that integrity holds the key to EVERYTHING. seen and unseen…

when I was little I was given some very inappropriate books to read about trauma and torture in the realm of child abuse. I was also exposed to a lot of stuff no child should see or hear. and perhaps that is irrelevant to what I am writing about here, but I share it to say that this led to my intense curiosity about how the human mind and spirit work — individually and in tandem. I grew up hearing one thing but seeing another and having my mind twisted around. I am fortunate to have dodged the schizophrenia bullet, and I say that with sympathy here as I have experience with people who have that diagnosis. this forced me not only to desire to understand the human psychological condition, but perhaps more importantly what energies were driving those human mechanics in the first place.

we can be taught lots of things all day like “this is what the color purple looks like” and “this is an elephant” and “this is a sandwich”, but what if the energies behind those objects actually color it red? or make it a chicken? or a bicycle and not a sandwich at all? then, well, it is our great challenge to discern the energy so that we may actually see the truth in physical form. how do we start to do this?

forget what you know. put yourself in a very uncomfortable position. stop seeking comfort and refuge and familiarity and someone to take care of you and make you safe. shake up what you think you know. change your cozy living standards.

stop hanging out with everyone who agrees with you or thinks like you. for example. months ago I was with a friend who told me to “grow up” and consider a different way of thinking regarding a rigid protocol I had for something. so, I listened to her. I took the risk. and it turned out to be exactly what I feared it to be, but the growth I experienced as a result was priceless. I realized that I can step into hot lava repeatedly and find my own way out. I love it when smart people in my life disagree with me. about anything. it opens my mind and gives me an opportunity to simply try something, even if I think I already know the answer.

start taking a new route home from now on. I’m serious. change your personal meridian lines. our bodies recognize patterns even when our minds are checked out, and that informs our minds. I didn’t read this somewhere by the way, I am just writing about my experience and how I work with others. shake up the meridian lines that recognize the same old thing.

do a massive uncording. there is a reason I wrote that post. addiction to familiarity, even in the form of family or loved ones, is toxic to your soul. you can’t go a day or a week without talking to certain people? question that with intense seriousness. why? what are you protecting your mind from? truth?

consider opposite points of view at all times and actually research those opposite points of view. if you dare! by the way, points of view also do NOT define a person. if you believe this, then you have plenty of work to do before you can access your intuition in order to discern. for example: I have friends from all political walks of life. literally opposing opinions and initiatives. they each campaigned for three distinctive and separate political candidates we had in 2016. and guess what? each person in the above groups of people I know contains good people. the very idea that if people don’t think like us, they are bad or there is something wrong with them, is the OPPOSITE of progressive. imagine that. sometimes we are actually the opposite of what we claim to promote…

now back to discerning. I believe in prepping the mind and soul to be able to do this. we have to see many different angles of people and life to be able to do it. even the most “intuitive” people have selective intuition. and as I repeatedly state, intuition of “special abilities” or “psychic abilities” do NOT make someone a good person. I’ve learned the hard way, mostly in my youth. so what are some methods to use, beyond the veil/”obvious”?

pay attention to how your body feels. do you feel tired and lacking in ambition when you are with a person? most likely this person, unless they are healing you and they have some awareness of such and can explain the ins and outs of such to you fully, is draining you. but there is also an opposite type of energy vampire to discern against…

a non-obvious energy vampire is the crux of this post here — the non-obvious vampire is the one we feel energized by. BUT…we can’t shake thinking that something is off. deep down. in our basement of intuition. there is ALWAYS a flag. even if we hide it until the final moment. feeling “amazing” around a person happens to be a classic telltale sign of a true sociopath or psychopath, by the way. it is how certain people are able to kill actual human beings, and return to their families for dinner like nothing happened. consider the Scott Peterson case, for example. yes, aside from studying the psychology of these folks, I’ve also been fascinated by studying their energy. and I’ve met plenty of people like this. what they have is a classic sociopathic quality that I call “mirroring” — they are actually able, without ANY conscious effort and via a real physics skizm, to mirror back YOUR gifts and attributes that are so wonderful, while making you believe that you feel that way because of that other person. don’t ask why these people exist, they just DO — and I believe it’s all part of contrast as well as a giant human spiritual test. to see where our integrity REALLY resides…

where is your integrity? I say integrity because with each sociopath or psychopath I have met, I had to ask myself WHAT it was that I liked about them? well, they played to my ego. any crazy person will do that. a couple of male doctors, a handicapped person in a wheelchair and an otherwise evil woman or two later, I’ve seen all tactics be used when it comes to others wanting something from me — in terms of my energy. look around in the “spiritual” community; there are many of these players in it. if we have integrity, we will not be charmed by others. so, if you are insecure or need approval from others, chances are you will be a magnet to crazy people. I think I dated one sociopath when I was 25. he had no feelings at all. he faked them. he didn’t understand how I worked. he didn’t understand anything unconditional. he asked me odd questions about how and why I was able to be unconditional and loving. he read my scary Scott Peck books like People Of The Lie. after him, I never forgot what a crazy person feels like. and while I don’t recall him ever complimenting me or even being nice to me, he nonetheless had the mirrored-quality thing going on — I was able to see MY skills and talents reflected off of him, but I attributed those qualities TO him instead of myself. crazy people often carry a cool, calm and collected demeanor under ANY circumstances by the way. it is almost as if they don’t exist at all. it is very important to feel into this no matter who you are in contact with, as it is equally relevant to the real on paper facts about them (what is their real story? would you let someone you care about spend time with them?). self-integrity will cut through a lot of the bs need for approval that crazy people spot miles away on another person. and by the way, we are all susceptible to crazy people — so don’t feel bad if you’ve attracted them. they are smart because they are crazy. you are not stupid if you have engaged with them. it happens all of the time. integrity is just the best defense against reining them in long-term.

stop using logic to make any decisions for you. if I used logic at all, my life would already be over as I know it. I had to logic my way out of getting married in my late 20s and early 30s to “great guys”. I would be SO miserable if that had happened, regardless of what society was promoting as acceptable. I had to logic my way out of “great opportunities” with famous people. what is it with famous people, anyhow? why do we make them important? why do we make their opinions important? if I had used logic with my business, this practice, or any of my purpose, I would have likely already been devoured. instead of deciding that someone was “safe” or “important” because they held xyz title, I simply listened to my irrational intuition that said no. and this is why I have the life that I have now. I could be rich. I could be married. I could be all of the things that we are told matters. but I repeatedly choose inner happiness through irrational intuition and integrity. and this is the only thing in life that is real. when people see me, they often think that I am the “luckiest” person they know, or “very fortunate” — what I am, is honest with myself. and sometimes honesty is lonely. but it is worth infinite gold.

we have already seen society (Hollywood, politics, corporate, etc) flip and land on its head. it had to. we were living lies! wittingly and unwittingly. there are still many veils of illusion to uncover, within ourselves and within the world around us. but we won’t get there on logic anymore. we will get there on unpopular facts and beliefs, and our intuition. but we can’t hear our intuition if we are following the herd, or any herd for that matter — and we can’t access our intuition if we are not honest with ourselves, which means we need to be independent beings first. if we still need a bottle and a wipe from someone in our life, we are preventing ourselves from our own integrity and intuition. and why does all of this matter? it matters because so many of us are UNHAPPY and don’t know why. I’m trying to tell you why.

consider for a moment what goes into our human container. what goes into it? energy. how do we quantify energy? is it something on paper like I am trying to explain it is not, in the above paragraphs? or is it an intangible that can not be explained yet? what happens when we all start to see beyond the veil, the human body? we see that all energy is NOT created equal. so this means that not all humans, in terms of their energy, are created equal. and how could they be? they couldn’t. we are not given measuring sticks of ingredients when we are conceived. there is so much that we do not understand about the unseen. this needs to be taken into consideration when looking at a human suit/body/”person” — regardless of who is talking and what they are saying. much of our happiness, or lack thereof, lies in discerning energy.

I’ve had a lot of recent conversations with former patients about the ability of the human body and spirit to shapeshift — on the intangible plane — according to what it was to TAKE from others. without going into this a ton here (and you can read my pre req books and eBooklets for more information), so much happens on the intangible plane that we have no reference to understand. and we need to. the evolution of humanity hinges upon what is TRUE, and what is true can not be seen with the human eye. therefore we are in a series of difficult and intense human tests to shake up our realities to the point in which we have no choice but to start to exercise our source-given intuition. this will naturally flip our society on its head. because we have not lived in truth. it’s been too easy to not have to. we have yet to see that we are not actually physical beings, and to look underneath the hood of ourselves and those around us. technology, ironically, is going to take us part of the way to understanding the unseen as it utilizes intangible energy and wavelengths (obviously) but is “proven” by science. and the non-physical, separate from technology as a science (because there is no real science on this non-physical yet) is a scary notion, because people don’t know where to start. I’m telling you where to start, just as I work with those in sessions.

my favorite quote from my Healing Elaine® Movement clips on science and intuition

it is not bad to discern. it is paramount. what I have found is that the very things I was taught to not “judge” or “discern”, I absolutely have to — such as questioning authority, or actually NOT overlooking someone’s past. and it’s not just me: we have all been trained, collectively, in a certain direction. in case it is not already clear, that direction no longer works. what has appeared to be up is actually down, and what has appeared to be down is actually up. we will see this if we are willing and therefore able to discern energy (people). the very act of making this move not only has the ability to save your life, but it will certainly restart it when you have been “stuck” for a long period of time. all “stuckness” is, is doing the same things and expecting a different result. sounds a lot like insanity yes? because it is. consider for a moment that everything you have been taught is not two-dimensional, but has a third side to it. that third side is the entire energetic signature space between “black and white” thinking. that energetic signature space is the very spore of discernment.





Anita’s Video Testimonial for Healing Elaine®

this is a really relatable share. if we are able to catch and transform certain patterns born from our experiences, we end the cycles that we each battle in different ways.

logo by Shamona Stokes


Healing Elaine® end of Venus Retrograde pop up

photo by Anita Saini

much lighter times are imminent as we close out cycles. I have to say, this particular Venus Retrograde has been wonderful for me. and after a very challenging fiscal year-plus, I really appreciated it! it also seems that all systems are a go as far as Capricorns (like me!) are concerned.

as we near the end of this cycle which closes on November 16th and goes direct, I have decided to continue offering pop up sessions to former patients (only). please call the business line between now and November 16th if you would like to schedule an abbreviated (pop up) session. these sessions will take place in a new private space with new amenities and one-of-a-kind healing accoutrements!

happy new moon in Scorpio tomorrow November 7th at 11:01am EST!

Healing Elaine®’s PE: Pediatric Energy™ (updates)

logo by Shamona Stokes

last October 2017 when I launched PE™ (Pediatric Energy™), I posted about my desire and discussions with quantitative medicine and clinical MDs to establish wellness initiatives for children. as this is not my only area of focus, it has taken some time and marinating to expand upon. in addition, it has taken me time to meet and vet professionals best-suited to develop collaborations or partnerships with on this front. I have big dreams for energy work and wellness as it pertains to children! while the collaborations and partnerships (spanning several industries) I am most interested in take shape, and I continue to have successful (and frankly for me, these are often my most exciting cases) fertility cases, PE™ as a whole has grown — conceptually and tangibly. in short, PE™ uses dialogue, meditation, reiki and earth elements to balance a mind-body-spirit connection for children.

upon my exit from college, for a time, and then again throughout 2011 and 2012, I worked with handicapable and underserved children. some of it was straight pro-bono / volunteer work, and some of it was salaried employee work depending on the timing. early on, I was a marketing professional and I spent some of my free time with those with disabilities. later on, I worked as a volunteer alongside the resident psychologist at one organization and assisted him with curriculum development and tangible execution of such. after that, I was a salaried Habilitation Specialist and classroom teacher for adolescents and adults (all the while launching Healing Elaine®).

when I was in full swing with private one-on-one sessions for Healing Elaine®, I began attracting fertility cases right away. as I successfully worked with dozens of specific mystery cases in which medical professionals had already been on the scene for, the bridge between medical and spiritual became even clearer for me. I began to understand further, the dissonance between the sovereign energy of a hopeful parent and soon-to-be incarnate soul of their child — and how to bridge that. the same was true for the children I had worked with in the past as well as children of patients of mine or children AS patients of mine: there was/is a gap between their energy field and that of their immediate caretakers, or the person(s) whom they spend the most time with. effectively bridging that gap is paramount to all things wellness for the child.

one might refer to the above gap simply as communication. we communicate in different ways, to one another, all day long. the most important part of communication is not verbal. so, then, what are we saying to one another — to our children and vice versa — all day long? HOW are we saying things to one another, non-verbally and otherwise? energy is transferred in a multitude of ways. these ways are important to understand so that we may best manage them hence our energy/wellness and that of our children. and this is where my work comes in.

although it looks different on the surface (I probably won’t have a deeply philosophical or psychological conversation with a child, whereas it’s MUCH of what I do with an adult during a session), I am still bridging the gap for them to positively isolate their energy field while also acclimating and then bridging to the energies around them. while these are mainly trade secrets (and I have an article coming out about my work with children, so there may be a bit more info in there and before my website goes up, which is currently a redirect: www.pediatricenergymedicine.com), I will say that children are more sensitive than ever and they absorb everything around them at lightning paces. given this, it is important to connect them to 1) their own thoughts/beliefs 2) their creativity 3) ionizing and earth elements.

now more than ever, and I explain this due to simple human evolution, children are drawn to and NEED high-vibrating aka love vibrations. this can best be expressed through an emotional or non-verbal state, from one person to the next. this is why animals and children are so drawn to one another. as the earth’s energy increases and speeds up, so does the natural set point of the intrinsic mechanics of a newly made human being (child). I was initially surprised at the number of vegan (due to a natural aversion or intolerance to meat and dairy) kids I met. if we think about this in basic energetic terms, there is less density in plants and live foods. this lends itself, also, to wellness. along with food choices, I also noticed an increased interest in earth elements like water, stones and crystals. the babies and children drawn to these things aren’t on trend; they are on kinesiology. and they are going to lead the wellness movement beyond trend…

in the past year alone, the calls I receive from parents about their child and their interest in me working with their child have increased three-fold. I am not sure whether this is a result of them reading about my PEM™ service that I officially launched one year ago, or whether the burgeoning wellness sector as it relates children is to thank. it is my belief that as we outgrow old ways of doing things in many fields/industries, we will open further and also rapidly, to developing wellness and mindfulness programs for our youth — starting as early as possible. meditation, and things like yoga, and creative-mind nurturing are crucial for children. energy work in general, for example reiki, is great for babies (even fertility) and children, but the right practitioner and match is CRUCIAL. it is still like the Wild Wild West out there in terms of the fact that ANYONE can call themselves an energy worker. we need to be sure that energies are actually being balanced — not incorrectly absorbed, on either side. and while the good news is that energy medicine as a concept and field does continue to grow and expand, new and vetted structures will assemble themselves so that we may not only offer but continue building a bridge for our children who will eventually go on to lead our planet in a very short time.

as always, please see my about and bio sections, as well as get a feel for my blog if you are interested in reaching out for any service. lately when I work with a child, it has been through developing a program first with their parent or caretaker for that parent or caretaker (hence working with the entire family dynamic in tandem) — and those are born from long, specialized one-on-one sessions with an individual. we may address and then explain a variety of concerns and solutions for things like autism, Asperger’s, or other diagnoses or undiagnosed dispositions. it is my desire to continue working with collaborators (brands, companies and individuals) who are invested in kids in any positive way: through positive imaging, branding and messaging, through educational reform, through wellness program implementation in schools and institutions, through unique workshops, and through simply spreading the word that children and wellness are actually synonymous with one another. now watch, as the wellness sector as it relates to children explodes in the best way.


below, a quick clip from a great kid on soul-body connection


Healing Elaine® daylight savings pop up 11.04.18 – former patients only

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

this past weekend was a true pleasure. I got to see a few faces I have not seen in ages — along with their personal expansion, success, and now next-chapter mountains containing new questions.

I can not stress enough how dear to my heart my former patients are. you/they are unique, caring, ambitious, sometimes scared, and always determined. Unicorns who are working toward aligning with personal integrity every step of the way — which no doubt has a powerful place in the outer world. you/they are warriors whom I respect and whom I feel honored to share space with in this life.

there are a number of you who couldn’t make it in this past weekend for the Healing Elaine® pop up, and wanted to. so, if you would like to schedule with me for this coming Sunday (whilst we turn our clocks back for daylight savings!), please call the business line. the format will be the same; abbreviated sessions.

we have a couple more weeks left of this Venus Retrograde, which is apparently wonderful for connecting and working with with past clients/patients. the reason that I did the initial pop up this past weekend is because of the sudden large number of reach-outs I received from former patients, hence the connection I made to this Venus Retrograde. the reach-outs are still happening, and we will seize this Venus Retro energy together.

thank you, to all of you who have been part of this collective journey thus far. you are, simply put, Mavericks. this journey via Healing Elaine® is unlike anything I have ever seen before. and we have just scratched the surface.

this full moon today. plus, Venus retrograde, multiple dark nights of the soul, and general HE® updates

photo by Nadia Itani

as I type this post, Don Henley’s “In A New York Minute” has just come on. if you don’t already know, I tend to channel-write whilst listening to particular hit decade channels on spotify. and if you don’t know this song, read the lyrics. it sums up a lot, much pertaining to this post.

as I look back on my life, and as I’ve elaborated on in my eBooklet1, I have had a series of dark nights of the soul. the majority of my early years on this planet were a dark night no doubt. like one, long, and grey memory, it was marked with my wailing for God to please rescue me. I know that sounds depressing. and it was. much of my life I spent trapped in all ways – mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. as I hid in tight places in the home I grew up in, or in the basement of the church I went to, I would pray to disappear. I would hold my breath so much that I would get dizzy. though I was never suicidal, I would have done ANYTHING to escape my reality. I wasn’t designed to be mentally ill, for better or for worse, so I did not become schizophrenic or dissociative. I believe 100% that this was so I could do the work I am doing now, in a particular way.

when my first dark night of the soul hit me in my adult life, from age 23-24, it was as if every single experience and memory that I could not process was compressed into a short timeline. I can’t possibly explain what this feels like and you will have to read my eBooklet1 to know more. a dark night of the soul is NOT depression. a dark night of the soul is NOT being sad or moody, or having a tough time. a dark night of the soul is a soul state, even a strongly philosophical state, and a mystical state. if we can make it through, our lives change remarkably. and as I reflect upon this past year-plus in my life, I see how my subsequent dark nights of the soul have occurred and what makes them only slightly different, in degrees, from one to the next.

what makes them only slightly different from one another is the common denominator of inner knowing that “I have been through this before”. now, there is a lot of crap out there on the internet about what a dark night of the soul is. also, if you “think” you are in one, YOU AREN’T. that is the POINT of a dark night of the soul. you aren’t supposed to know it is happening until AFTER you pass through the eye of a needle. like the over-used and sensationalized “twin flame” notion, a dark night of the soul in true form has been diluted by people talking about things that they have simply read or heard OTHER people talking or writing about. versus their own actual experience, which can never be replaced with information. all similar to this wave of “healers” and “psychics” that have popped up out of nowhere during the past 5 years.

back to what makes each dark night of the soul different. well, there are different themes. and, with each one, the soul certainly develops in a way it had not developed before. the human fabric becomes stronger. the tests become bigger. and like each and every one, we do NOT KNOW we are in one until after we are through it, or passing through that needle eye. if we even have the honor (LOL) of going through one, we typically don’t have to go through another one. but, some of us do. I prayed to never be that person. I’m infinitely that person. for better and for worse — as it is purpose-driven in my case. I can’t get out of it. this is oh-so-different from subconscious or unconscious issues. and I pray that my most recent dark night is the LAST. I’m sure God / source / spirit will have the last laugh on that one, though.

after my first dark night of the soul, I was free…for about 5 years. I say 5 years as a marker for the pinnacle of each, as I believe that there is both a before and an after shadow period around each one. last night I was reading about my life number which is 5, based on my birth date and time. I couldn’t believe it. because here are the years of my dark nights of the soul (yes, there have been FOUR of these fuckers. four.): 2003, 2008, 2013, 2018. and each time, as much as I know, I did not know I was in one. I knew I was in a massive change, but the massive change was not light and airy and it was NOT NORMAL. during each of these times, I experienced loss on EVERY LEVEL imaginable. I recognize that this is not normal or typical for the average person, so bear with me if none of this makes sense.

each of my four experiences with this pure death of self was different, yet the same, as I describe above. during the first one, I lost everything — my sanity, the love of my life, my best friend of many years, my apartment and any sense of stability (I literally LEFT my car in Miami, as well as ALL of my childhood furniture because I could not afford to send anything back and I “wasn’t allowed” to drive back North — where I slept on a near-stranger’s couch for weeks with my only belongings in trash bags and my poor little cat by my side the entire time with snow hitting my face in the morning because there was a broken window above the couch that I slept on. just to paint the picture for you.). I felt spacey and like I didn’t know what to do next. I walked to the library to use the internet to apply for jobs. I went to places in person asking for work so that I could survive. I ate canned ravioli from CVS. before being allowed to return to a relative’s home, under circumstances I will not elaborate on. this entire process lasted about 16 months. longer if you count the SHIT luck I had after this. but at least by month 18 I was stable. I had a boring but awesome sales job and a great boss who I still admire to this day, and I was the lead person on the territory sales team. I scraped myself off of the floor and got an apartment with a mattress on the floor. then I got the F out of the small town I was so limited by, and moved to NYC. best decision of my life…

my next dark night of the soul came in 2008. I was absolutely miserable and stagnant in a relationship with someone I cared about, but who offered me not what I needed. I loved this person, at the time, and they were nice to me. I thought that meant I had to marry them. because they were nice. I didn’t. I suffered the last year of that relationship immensely. I will censor personal details but I took on a LOT during that time and mainly due to the relationship. I became a shell of a person. I was beginning my acting career and barely making it out of bed on some days. I had old family crap surface that left me in bed for days at a time. I was barely functional. I became a version of myself that I can only describe as one from an alternate universe. I sometimes chain-smoked inside of my apartment at random times over the course of a few months, with the same feeling I had so often as a child: I just wanted to disappear. I started taking my boyfriend’s pharmaceutical prescription to sleep. occasionally during the day, and often during the night. sporadically for months. I left the cat litter box dirty and I didn’t wash dishes. I couldn’t seem to do anything. I was broke as hell. no one would help me the way I needed to be helped, and that was nothing new. I went to a top upper east side therapist man who was about 500 dollars for under an hour. he didn’t take insurance. I guess part of me thought he would see I was a good person and “save me”. he didn’t. BUT. I got this. he told me “there is nothing wrong with you. you are in a deep regression due to old trauma. that is all.” wow. a shrink who wasn’t jumping to dole out drugs. or a diagnosis. he was really smart. I couldn’t afford him since I couldn’t even afford my rent. but he was worth every penny. somehow he helped me snap back into myself, ever so slightly, because I believed him. our body ALWAYS resonates with truth first, long before we can consciously process why. and I knew he was right. he was the first person who said anything to me that made any actual sense. in under an hour I got months worth of therapy. I looked for him years later and wish I had saved his info. he was one of the good ones in a sea of incompetent and mentally ill NYC therapists (I have seen a number of them during my T hopping days, when I was praying for someone to tell me what was “wrong” with me, because of how I felt, so that I could fix it). so, the only thing I had during this time was this other person, a “boyfriend”, and I felt that I would be better off alone because I already felt alone. finally we broke up. for several months, I felt like a walking zombie, yet also that I was getting MY energy back. I realized…whoa. this was my second dark night. within a couple months of the breakup, I booked my first recurring role on TV. I was clearing a grand a week and I felt like a champion! then I booked a big role on ABC daytime TV. I was definitely a champion! and while there were still TONS of bombs going off in my life (such as unsupportive and jealous people who should have been my biggest cheerleaders), I was at least out of MY dark night of the soul. finally! until the next one…

after my second dark night of the soul, I was basically at a crossroad because I had the choice to move to LA in 2009 and continue acting on television, or I could stay in NYC and…find myself in a new way. I thought about it and said to myself, I already know what this feels like. what more will I gain or learn by moving to Hollywood? it felt out of alignment with my soul. and while I was desperate again for work, I stayed in NYC. I had a serious conversation with my spirit guides one night because I was choosing integrity over my ego. and ego isn’t always bad. it would not have ruined me to move to Hollywood. but my soul craved something much deeper. I had already gone back and forth with myself since 2003 regarding the healing / holistic / wellness / psychic realm, and how I would present myself. I would get psychic readings regularly and I was always told “go do it now”. I was still so scared of being visible in a realm that society shunned. I spent so many years already, feeling shunned. and now I had to walk back into that because the very job itself was a built-in calling and passion of mine? I knew of no one my age or like me who was “out” in this arena. so as the coming years approached my next huge dark night of the soul and awakening, I made small agreements with the Universe as well as did MANY odd jobs to align with my intrinsic knowings/skills/abilities. by the time 2011 hit, I had already come out of the closet at least with my company name “Elaine”, and then “Reiki Therapy by Elaine”, and little business cards with a fairy on them. but I would not show my face or say who I was. I wanted to be totally unjudged. since I was aware of no other healers in NYC at this time (and yelp was not a thing, yet) besides Allison The Rock Girl (who is great at what she does, check out her site), I had cornered the market. in fact, I think Allison had already moved OUT of NYC by this time. so as the above started to move for me, I thought I was in the clear in terms of any future awakenings or personal soul deaths. I wasn’t. I went into another MASSIVE dark night. during this time, my side jobs dried up. I wasn’t getting all of the phone calls I needed in terms of healing work, and I was again in peril trying to launch and run a business on my own — especially a weird one. so for this grand dark night of the soul, once again I “lost everything”. I had bad relations with family as well as a very close friend at this time, and I was in and out of housing court. I littered the city with job applications. I spent day and night looking for work outside of my healing work. what I couldn’t see is that I needed one more test before my healing practice was allowed to soar, so that I could help others. since I was still cagey about my identity, spirit was waiting for me to post my photo and a more detailed bio online. aside from being financially destitute during this time, which was more scary than it had ever been before, I was being emptied out in every other way. I will note that financial destruction is common for MANY people during a dark night of the soul. it is intended to get us deeply into the present tense. nothing will do that for us quite like a big, scary sweep of the Pavlovian scale! as I entered yet again one of my darkest times, it came on the heels of being totally screwed on a film project by my own assistant, losing side work after a co-worker told the owner of the business that I wasn’t locking up at night, and those closest to me turning on me because I was having a hard time. nothing more. they were used to me being available any time and for any thing, and I just couldn’t be that during that time. and that’s when I realized who is not important in my life. during this third dark night of the soul, I was not only able to make it to hot yoga daily, and nourish myself with decent food, but I had lost everyone around me and so it was DEAD quiet. I was utterly alone and I could hear myself completely. and so then it was just …. timing. God / source / spirit was simply waiting for my soul to ripen. I had applied for thousands of jobs at this point, in conjunction with my healing work, which amazingly I was still able to do sporadically. I walked miles to an office I paid for on barter to do my healings because I would be out of spare change for a subway ride. and just as it seemed that another nearly two years of difficulty came upon me, it was gone nearly overnight. in December of 2012, actually December 1st 2012, I woke up and felt: hopeful. I didn’t know why. I went to go bartend at a restaurant one night, and 3 doors opened that evening around my healing practice. they were actually really negative doors, but they really helped me at the time! three of the worst people I have ever met in my life, it ended up, who I met like a domino effect of the first door opening, were actually…doors somehow. that’s irrelevant but I want to point out that spirit uses us all in many ways, regardless of human particulars. we are all conduits for something. those people (one was a doctor who went to jail, another was another doctor who was a fraud and then lost their business, and one was a kept woman who lived off of rich men and didn’t work) were doors. at any rate, my doors opened at the end of 2012. it was also at this time that I was willing to show my face etc as it pertained to my healing practice. as these doors opened, it would be about 3 more months before I would emerge from this third dark night of the soul. and I sure did. my company was lit on fire in the best of ways, and Healing Elaine® by way of Reiki Therapy by Elaine™ was busier than I ever could have imagined. I could not even keep up with the phone calls and requests. this was the best dark night of the soul I had ever come out of.

now for this recent one. like the others, I didn’t know I was in one. I truly thought that the pinnacle of 2013 was “it” for me. yet I was in one during part of 2018. one is never supposed to consciously know this at the time! if you read very old scripture on the notion of the dark night of the soul, it will note this. each time I passed through one, something happened in which the day I began feeling hopeful was the day I would come across dark night of the soul scripture that notified me. and this past event was no different.

about 20 months ago, my last/recent dark night of the soul slowly began. there are always a series of events that precede one of these major life cycles, a death and rebirth. and since I do not use drugs or alcohol or special “teas” or whatever to consciously make it through these things — I just don’t believe in it for ME — I am always raw for the entire ride. if I know I am feeling “off”, I will abstain completely from alcohol or chemicals. otherwise, for me, it will take longer to complete xyz cycle. one could say that my last three dark nights of the soul built upon one another, almost agreeing to make my tests harder, but only because I was stronger from each one. and it’s true. after each passing, I became light years stronger. it was as if I was a different person entirely — one who I always wanted to be. during the summer of 2016, I could feel my inner stagnation. I had to ask spirit what that meant. they said that I was still hiding, and that I should know what happens when I do that. I was ignoring press reach outs regularly, that came from reputable newspapers or magazines. I told myself I was keeping my integrity, and I do believe that to this day, however something about me being afraid of sensationalizing something so dear to my heart was still in place. I decided to take the plunge at the end of 2016 and take one article with a writer and publication I really appreciated and believed in. and so I did. and the response to what should have been just a joyous time for me really confirmed all of my worst fears. at the beginning of 2017 I was attacked by a crazed lunatic whom I had never even met (a man), I had security breaches, I hired awful people, and it kept getting worse. then, I got even more press reach outs. stuff I do not feel anyone else would ever turn down. I turned down incredible stuff, cross promos with major celebrities, and so on. I was pretty sure it was my gut directing my choices, but it also could have been fear. either way, I had to listen. I was so-so on knowing the difference between fear and intuition and I thought about it all again recently. during this time, as I began to hide again and say “no” to exposure, things got progressively worse behind the scenes. just six months after my big proud article (which I am still proud of, because the writer is completely genuine and only seeks out projects that inspire her, and, she is just simply a great writer and it was all done so properly and according to my own board of ethics) my sites were stolen and the DNS was hijacked. I was also stolen from in other ways. and people couldn’t reach me. what used to be thousands of calls in order for me to properly vet a session decreased drastically. my calls were not even reaching me. my internet presence was netted. my face and company name was showing up on other sites claiming to be me. my writing was posted under other people’s names and faces, claiming it as their own. every single day that I woke up, I wondered what I would see next. my business address and phone number was changed online by someone else, and often. I was audited at the end of 2016 coinciding beautifully with the above, and that was a horrible process that lasted nearly 2 years. at least I was honest about my earnings! I was trolled on a daily basis by aggressive and jealous men (one would think it would be women, but it’s usually not — my worst luck in life has been with men, gay or straight, pan, or whatever persuasion you could think of, who are jealous of me, and usually people I have never met or do not know well at all. I know. it’s odd. but there is a source, and I am aware of it).

as I watched my business change, my very essence hijacked, my identity encroached upon, and much more, I stumbled upon harder lessons with even worse people. I asked “why!?”. I thought I had already learned so many hard lessons. I knew I wasn’t stupid or unconscious, because the work itself that I was doing was at an ALL-TIME high in terms of outcome. I was working with AMAZING people. the cases became more and more interesting and exciting, and people were happier than ever. my skills were being honed, but I was learning more personal lessons. about who to trust. who to hire. who to let in. once again, I felt like everything was in some kind of spiral. I felt like I did not have any control over my fate, my logistical basics, and the only thing that mattered to me: my Healing Elaine® practice. I sat with all of it, surrendered the best that I could, kept working as often as I could given the circumstances, kept working out, kept going to therapy (which I simply needed less and less and less of, or felt less and less drawn to — I suppose that is the goal after all!), and kept an open mind. I launched new creative endeavors that are now on the cusp of being amazing. but I was frozen in time this year. for every move I made, I was pushed back 5 steps and then-some. and then paused. it was the same feeling, on and off, that I had in my other three dark nights of the soul, which encompass a feeling or the actual experience of a total loss of control. it got to the point in which I literally could not control any xyz. and as I have already written about, the only REAL control that we EVER have is surrender. I had to fully surrender. and then the question arose again: what am I not seeing, that this horrible spell is asking me to see? I searched and searched for a way of clarity. I spent day and night working on myself. and it didn’t matter. I felt totally forsaken. because when a dark night hits, there is nothing that we can do to thwart it. until…we see where we have just been.

the past year, I have relied on people like never before. for so many things. this is BRAND NEW for me. as everything that I have done or gone to do seems to have been hijacked or seriously halted, mainly because I still didn’t have the right people on board, I needed to talk. I talked to former patients who turned into friends who didn’t need anything from me. they never judged me because I was supposed to be their perfect strong healer. I found support I didn’t know existed for someone like me. and as all of the behind the scenes continued to unfold without my ability to control them, and I surrendered fully, finally, I began to see the remnants of the fourth dark night of the soul. there were days and weeks that I had to sleep 12 hours a night just to sustain. like each and every other one of these intense cycles, I was somehow always able to help others. I have a feeling that will never leave me. and this year I began to feel like I did during those other times…that there is no direction forward. I just couldn’t see the forward sign or symbol. it was like being in a complete abyss of present tense in the worst way. and on many occasions I just wanted to sleep. I was NOT depressed. the different thing about this past dark night of the soul is that, although I felt NO future, I was acutely aware of the fact that this was indeed…a familiar feeling or cycle. the future was there, but I was fully blindfolded to it. do you know what that feels like for an intuitive?! at least I had the feeling of familiarity, of the past dark nights of the soul, to “soothe” me. and so I … waited. painfully. I realized that, as I teach so many others in the nuances of their processes, that I just had to … wait. like, really wait. it’s the thing I hate the most. and logistically, again, everything was ripped away from me. but I had to still wait. I had already passed the tests of never working with anyone just to support myself. so no matter what I did to open myself to the right opportunities, I was still forced to wait. I also knew that if I had to, I could genuinely turn down a million dollar paycheck because I was being instructed to wait (and this my friends, is why I don’t want to know who someone is before working with them — my ego always takes a back seat, if even allowed in the car at all). waiting is the hardest part. and I waited for the feeling that I felt in 2003 and 2008 and 2013, when the Universe simply decided to say “hey — today will be different, and many days after this day will also be different — you are done — FOR NOW…”.

recently I had one of those days. during this recent 2018 cycle. which I had no control over, just like all of the others. but unlike all of the others, I had so much more this time. with every death of self, there is TREMENDOUS gain. what I am most thankful for this time around, is something that was there in hints in the past: so many amazing and supportive people. people who believed in me, and my path, when I temporarily forgot the belief I once had. they never waivered, even as I did in degrees. they saw me, as I saw them, and so many others, who are in a death of self or serious dark night of the soul in which there is deliberately no light. and I prayed like hell for it to end. and it did. so on one of those days, I woke up and knew: “it” is over. it felt like a lifetime waiting for this dark night of the soul to end. I saw the sunshine differently. the world that was grey became colorful. and I again so clearly want to state that this is not the spore of a psychological state; rather it is the spore of a soul’s awakening — thus then manifesting through the human body and mind. it is so much different, and so much deeper than something psychological. this can leave room for medical misdiagnoses of all sorts. if and only if you have been through one of these, will this even resonate.

now to the full moon. this full moon today is a particular time of rebirth. when Venus is in retrograde, we revisit many things: relationships, relationships with women, beauty, creativity, and money. we revisit, in our minds and hearts, major decisions we have made in both the distant and recent pasts. part of my experience this past fiscal year has included being taken for a ride by so many people, financially and energetically. I’ve had to revisit that, and reconcile it internally, during this retrograde. so here we have a full moon, and Venus in retrograde, that are two very powerful events. some of the best speakers I can suggest on astrology are: Kelley Rosano, The Leo King, Terence Guardino, and Gregory Scott on youtube. they can fill in a ton of blanks for you, if you fancy.

this coming Sunday, I am offering a pop up session for former patients only. as you already know, I rarely if ever do these. combined with the full moon energy of this week, the numerology of this coming Sunday 10.28.18, and the Venus retrograde (very powerful to work with former clients!), it’s all happening. read my Facebook post and reach out on the business line at 646 470 1178 if you are interested in working this Sunday.

this turned out to be a longer post than I intended, but I really want to paint the fullest picture possible in terms of what we consider “dark nights of the soul” or “awakenings”. just because we had one, does not mean it’s the only one or the last. and it also does not mean that the next one will look anything like the last one, if we even have another one. a dark night of the soul feels so spiritually debilitating, combined with real world logistical impacts, that truly render us nearly immobile. again: it is NOT to be confused with depression or some psychological issue. this is very important to remember. HOWEVER: ALWAYS consult a doctor (just hopefully you do not see a crappy one), no matter what you think you are going through. I consulted trained physicians, as noted, during my difficult times, just to be sure I was crossing T’s and dotting I’s.

as we close out 2018, we are going to see even more crazy shit happen. we will see even more truths exposed. and, just as I had said regarding the 2016 election, there is fate in place already for the next few years and beyond. and it will drive a lot of us crazy. don’t say I didn’t warn you. it’s not what many people want to hear. but everything is being designed to expand us, whether it is the way that we “choose” to expand, or not. imagine a collective dark night of the soul, if that is even possible.

it is my wish that the cycle of today’s full moon brings to you even greater clarity and insight. and understanding as to your own private and personal cycles that you likely wouldn’t share with anyone. it could be the fact that you are single and lonely and there is truly nothing wrong with you and you crave a partner and don’t know where to find them. it could be the fact that you are married to the wrong person and you know it and you are too scared to leave. it could be that you are cash poor and about to lose everything and have too much shame to tell your partner or friends. it could be that you did something terrible many years ago and now it is haunting you and you have to tell someone. whatever your issue, you are not alone. and there is a way…through. never out, but definitely through. it is my wish for you that you connect to this post and everything in it, to feel how truly not alone you are. if you only saw my external life, physically and otherwise, I don’t think you would guess half of the internal processes in place. you are in good company. no matter your troubles, if you allow yourself to be present, and to stay present, and you know you are sane, it is my wish that you keep “going”. perhaps you are in a dark night of the soul yourself. perhaps this full moon today will bring closure to part of your life you have been waiting to observe from full-circle perspective. happy full moon!

why and when and how to do a personal clearing on your own self. aka “uncording”

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

we don’t need a negative event to occur in order to clean house on ourselves or “uncord”. plenty of happy, healthy, fulfilled and balanced individuals practice uncording on a regular basis, including happily married or partnered significant others!

the whole point of an uncording is simply to know what is yours, and what is not. that’s all. and when we can see what is intrinsic to us and only us, it is from that vantage point that we may become greater versions of ourselves. then, we can re-open ourselves to the world until we again feel the urge, need, or even just regular practice to uncord.

so what are cords? I’ve written about them for years. many other people write about them. cords are like electrical wires connecting one human to the next. we may have them with literally ANYONE. we are energy embodying physical human containers. within those containers are holes or access points, also known as chakras. depending upon INFINITE factors (like psychology, karma, personal history and so on), our chakras absorb certain energy. and at different speeds. if we have particular emotional wounds that we can not clarify in our mind, we will likely attract the same match of energy to certain chakras on repeat until we “wake up”. I won’t describe the ins and outs of cording in this post (I do it in plenty of others). but I will talk about why and how and when to do a personal clearing.

there are many reasons we might want to clean house. for me, it is something I have to do CONSTANTLY in order to 1) attract the right work (CRUCIAL FOR ME) 2) perform the best work 3) dislodge karma that DOES NOT BELONG TO ME from my body, mind and spirit 4) know exactly what is mine, so that I can be the best version of myself and work on myself.

I absorb, very quickly, lessons and dark spots from others. I just do. something in my energy field either fills in the blanks for people, or it reflects directly back to them their dark spots. the latter is quite interesting in terms of the polarized responses I get from people. Mystic Michaela, whom I have written about in other posts, once described my energy field as “filling in the blanks” for others, or filling in their holes. I imagine a stained glass church window that has been shattered on a sunny day. when we fill in the holes for others with our light, we make a trade. sometimes it’s not a good trade. sometimes it’s a karmic trade. often we have no idea what we are doing in the first place.

if we want to know what is ours, truly, what our core is, free from codependency with partners parents friends and even children, we uncord. many of us are too afraid to do this. because we are intrinsically codependent. we don’t know how to survive a day without talking to someone who fills in blank spaces for us. or we do, but we don’t want to. because we are spiritually and emotionally lazy. and so we have a rolodex of people who fill in blank spaces for us and we keep them on rotation. at the center of this rolodex is fear. some of us never want to know what truly exists in our core. we are afraid of our core, our truth. our shadow. do you know what your shadow is? we all have a shadow. shadows are scary. this fear keeps us trapped in an infinite unconscious cycle, and it will ultimately destroy us if we can never find our own food or fuel whilst shutting off the electrical currents aka cords that extend into the ethers and exchange ALL KINDS OF THINGS with other beings.

everyone we are close to, and the 5 people closest to them in any way, become us. it is unavoidable. I don’t want that, no matter WHO these people are. I don’t even care if I like them. I don’t want or need to have random energy stuck in me all of the time. and since it is unavoidable to take it on, I have to uncord to at least know what is NOT mine. I do this routinely. my closest friends or former patients “get it” and don’t freak out or ask me what is wrong. because they are generally healthy. if someone panics and freaks out on you during an uncording, it is a sign to leave that relationship behind completely. it means that that person was eating you up all day and night, whether they knew it or not.

I also uncord when things are not “right” in my life. if I hit the skids, or a low point somehow, I immediately detach from anyone and everyone. this is the healthy move to make, so that I might see the source of my condition. it may be inherent to a cycle my soul is in. or, it may be inherent to negative energy I am inviting in by proxy of someone around me and someone close to them. either way, these are both opportune reasons and times to uncord. without knowing what belongs to me, as a unique soul (though yes we are all connected, we do NOT all share the same karma! therefore knowing what is OURS is CRUCIAL), I can never move forward in life. without daring to know at all times what belongs to me, I remain like a broken record on repeat unconsciously moving through life. with no feet on the ground.

last night I spoke with a former patient who is uncording in general. it seems to be a theme as of late for many people who have reached out to me. and it is a current theme for me. right now, I am generally off the grid. I don’t want anyone’s thoughts, feelings or actions interfering with my life. I can’t afford it at the moment and I need to continue focusing to know what is what and where it comes from. this uncording I am doing may last a short time, or it may continue for months as it has for me many times. during my busiest times of work, I didn’t socialize for many months at a stretch. to some, that may sound unhealthy. but that is because they will never understand the scope of my work and couldn’t possibly. my work is my life, but my personal core is obviously my…life.

when I consciously decide to uncord, I do a few things. first, I stop having phone conversations. I stop meeting anyone in person. I avoid texting, like the plague. I keep all of my communications to the barest minimum possible — unless they are serving part of my uncording initiative. if you can’t imagine going a day or week without talking to people you rely upon daily or weekly, you may want to examine your 1) codependency issues or 2) core self. who are you, really? a tree, or a leaf, blowing in the wind, toward whatever comes your way?

the next thing I do when I clean house is take a couple of baths per day with pink salt. I’ll hold and wear ionizing stones that contain elements of the periodic table. since I live primarily in NYC, this is sometimes the closest I can get to nature. I will turn off music and distracting stimuli. I’ll take walks without music. I’ll work out more often maybe. I will pay extra attention to what I do listen to, or watch. what is the nature of my desire or draw to xyz thing?

I will sleep more than usual. when we sleep, our unconscious mind has time to process things that our conscious mind either won’t, or is too afraid to process. I’ll give myself this extra buffer in preparation so that I am not reacting to something but rather being proactive about what I want to receive. I will pray and meditate more than usual. I will ask for guidance as clearly as possible, and wait for it as patiently (a challenge of mine) as possible.

I will burn anything that feels ionizing. I imagine debris falling off of me when I do it. I will light a candle of intent, which is really just similar to prayer and asking for “higher self” guidance. there are many different physical traditions for “personal clearing” depending upon our culture, exposure, and belief system. do what feels right for you. you don’t need to purchase a clearing kit on amazon. make your own. and, above all, no potion or lotion can do the kind of work that your OWN core — body, mind and spirit — can do for you.

I will do all of the above until I feel clear. no matter what. if we have friends or acquaintances who can not handle the above and we need to do the above, then “losing” the relationship should be a risk that we are willing to take. when we uncord, everything that positively matches our “new” clean energy WILL return upon divine timing. for example. I have worked with couples (very rarely) who simply wanted to uncord from one another (and everything in their lives) in order to build a better relationship. there was no fear or codependency around uncording. this is a healthy relationship. after they uncorded, they found a stronger relationship in queue. this is inspiration for all relationships. whatever “falls away” or “falls away with drama” during an uncording is meant to fall away. if we are afraid about what others might think or do, then perhaps we should re-evaluate those exact relationships in the first place. fear is about control. we hold onto our fear to control others, actually. and when we attract controlling people, it is because we are actually controlling people ourselves.

if you are willing to see what is underneath, away from all of the noise and perhaps experiences that do not even belong to you yet you are hosting, you might be pleasantly surprised. depending upon HOW we are made (I am talking about our intangible fabric), we will actually absorb karma or dark spots for others without either one of us knowing. it is so important to know what is ours and not ours, so that we may progress in life. who and what could we be without the karmic experiences of our best friend, partner, child, or co-worker? probably more than we realize. because after we shake off what is not ours, only then do we have the ability to do the inner work that our soul is calling for. so that we may also then AUTHENTICALLY own what we have in our life. our career, our calling, our partnership, our whatever.

uncording is one of the greatest tools for personal growth and it is one of the greatest opportunities for personal happiness. especially with access to technology, it is very hard to be with just our SELF. and this is why people go in circles in life, never moving forward. they are in a constant addiction. to people, places, ideas, and things. get out there and try a day — or a week — or a month — or more, of uncording. whether you have a “reason” to, or not. with the upcoming full moon this week, I can’t think of a better reason to uncord and manifest.

the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward

photo by Pia Oyarzun

as far back as I can remember, I sensed energies. I did not know I was sensing energies. when I was 3, I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. when I put my tiny hand on my bedroom door knob to turn it, another hand placed itself over mine. I jumped back into bed and peed myself.

when I was old enough to be left home alone, I heard people in the house. I called 911 many times when I was left alone. there was never anyone there, but I was sure that someone was breaking and entering. they never did, at least not while I was there. I didn’t believe in ghosts, I wasn’t raised on ghosts, and I didn’t know anyone who did believe in ghosts. I dismissed my senses and decided to trust myself a bit less. there were plenty of other reasons I did not trust myself, either, but sensing people in the house who were not there was prominently on that list. and yet, I kept reacting to the noises, the feeling, the cold, the knowing — I continued calling the police well into my teens, because I heard someone in the house.

when I started to become super social in my mid teens around 15 in particular, my “awareness” died down. I had also become more astute at shutting down, because it was too scary to be in my body for a host of other, very real, physical and psychological reasons. so, after a certain point, I didn’t really think about my sensing of people who ended up not…being there.

by my late teens, I didn’t know anyone who had died. when my paternal grandfather died when I was 21, it was the first person who I had known in the flesh. as he was dying, I somehow knew about karma and closure, and I decided to write him a note of closure as he ended his life. I didn’t know him very well and barely saw him. yet I felt it was important to help him through to “the other side”. one year later, I was visiting my grandma, his widow. she and I always had a special connection. the first memory I have of her is when I was 3 or 4. we were walking up the stairs to go to a swimming pool and I turned around, looked at her, and said “I like you”. she said to me “I like you too”. we shared a special connection and still do — living, dead, and anywhere in between. though neither she nor my grandfather was religious, she and I shared a special human and psychic connection. that will never die. so when her husband died, I was curious about if/how/when he would “show up” and visit us. mind you, I had never seen (to my knowledge!) a ghost, and I didn’t expect to be visited by him or anyone else. one night, about a year after his death, I was staying the night at their house in Florida. I have always had trouble sleeping — for reasons I am very aware of. mostly traumatic reasons. my experience with sleep involved, over and over again as a child, waking to pure trauma and horrific fear of a variety of instances. therefore, my ability to 1) fall asleep 2) stay asleep 3) not be afraid of going to sleep was weak. anyhow, I was staying in the room that he died in one night. in the bed that he died in. which I didn’t connect to at the time. as I rifled through the medicine cabinet in his bathroom, I found percocets that were prescribed to him to ease his pain as he was dying. let me be clear: I have never had an addiction to anything. I have never relied on substances. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be able to pick up any substance and put it right down when my mind decides I do not need it. while I have other challenges, substances is not one of them. and yet as we know, substance issues mimic other issues generated by the mind, so my compassion and understanding has repeatedly connected to those who have or have had substance issues and addiction. I digress with that side note, but I want to paint the fullest picture possible. like most nights of my life, I had no idea whether I would be able to fall or stay asleep — so when there was something overtly available to take to aid me in the process, I would take it (I never purchased or was prescribed sleep prescriptions or drugs in my teens or 20s). the percocets were available and not only that, clearly no one was using them anymore. my grandma still hadn’t had the heart to clean out his bathroom (they had separate bathrooms and bedrooms). I took one percocet to sleep, and put another one in my pocket “for the road”. I left the rest in the bottle. I put the bottle back and felt guilty about it, even though he was dead. I went to sleep peacefully because of the extreme high I got from the medication…

in the middle of the night, I was awoken suddenly. as I looked directly in front of me, where there was no headboard, a face began taking shape — like a tv screen coming into focus. my grandfather’s face formed before my eyes, and I was frozen. his hands went into prayer in front of his face, and I was in shock. I pinched my own arm as hard as I could to prove to myself in the morning that this was not a dream. I prayed and prayed to fall asleep and held my breath (a skill I tried to master as child with the covers pulled up tightly around my body and face when I was afraid) and I finally did. in the morning, I put the pill that I had taken back in his pill bottle and I apologized to him. I felt guilty. in retrospect, I realize I was coming up on increasingly challenging years in my life, and he knew it — he was never a man of prayer, blatantly did not believe in God or religion, and yet there he was. praying for me. clear as day.

this was the first experience that I had with a “ghost”. I say “ghost” because it was after that, that I realized how palpable his intention was for me. I could feel, telepathically, that he was afraid for my safety in general. I was definitely a fly-by-the-seat girl at the time, and I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I traveled solo, often didn’t know my next move, stayed out late and drank a lot, and insisted on being only in the present tense at all times. I unwittingly put myself in dangerous situations often. I never knew they were dangerous. I was too accustomed to the feeling. and I had a thirst to understand the world.

after my experience with my late grandfather, I did not have another one like it with him or anyone else for a long time. however actually, I did not understand that I was indeed having them ALL of the time — with energy. as you will read about in my other posts, energy is INFINITE. it transcends physical form, and takes many forms of consciousness (as well as light and dark — and intangible darkness often seeks tangible containers at all costs — this is another subject entirely). positive consciousness is hindered in physical form, and it raises beyond physical form. then, when we work on ourselves as human beings, we can access it. this is the bridge that we create and experience between 3d and 5d. that is also another post, though.

in my mid and late 20s, I became acutely interested in my own spirituality and personal consciousness. I went to alanon meetings, read tons of self help books (since a child, actually), therapist hopped (what a disappointing scene in general), and did anything I could to hear my own voice. one day, after I let go of a stagnant relationship which almost lead to marriage, I simply asked my “spirit guides” to please show themselves. I was detached from the outcome. but as I asked them aloud to show themselves, an entire veil of mist or, it can be best described as heat coming off of the pavement on a hot day, manifested in front of me. it was about 5 feet tall and I couldn’t believe it. I also couldn’t believe that “it” showed up on demand. to be sure I wasn’t crazy, I looked at my cat who was on the other side of this energy — his eyes were huge and he was scanning it up and down. the feeling that took over me when this energy/guide showed up was pure love. there is no other way to put it. I felt…like I would never feel alone again. I felt safe and guided. this was a pivotal point for me. unconditional love touched my heart in that moment and it was the first time I felt anything like it.

as I developed my understanding of many things unseen, in my late 20s, I began to realize that the people I “imagined” breaking into my house or walking around it when I was a child were…real. they just were not in physical form. I felt them all of the time. I also saw rather uncouth energies at the home of another family member every single time I stayed there. the only word I can use to describe those energies is: evil. I hated staying there. I had nightmares each time, visions of the “devil”, and general feelings of darkness. it didn’t make sense to me until way later as to…why. the energy behind the scenes supported everything I felt. this is when I realized that NOTHING goes unnoticed in life. we just lie to ourselves to feel safe.

my next experience with the unseen and the death of a person I knew was with a grandmother (not the widow). as I sat by my window in my east village apartment, I was suddenly overcome with nausea. it felt disgusting, and I tasted medication. I barely made it 10 feet to my bed and curled myself up into the fetal position. I don’t know for how long I napped, but I was awoken to the sounds of sobs of despair and mourning. it was so loud, I thought my neighbors were wailing with tears. my body felt so sick, as if something was passing through it. and I just knew instantly: my grandmother who had cancer had just died. I had no way of knowing this for fact, other than my experience. when I went over to my cell phone, there was a message waiting for me indicating that yes indeed, she died. it was then, that I began to learn that I was and am used as a gatekeeper. fast forward, and this began happening for me with patients who were about to lose parents or loved ones or even acquaintances. for whatever reason, my physical field was used as a gate to some other…place.

as noted, growing up I never believed in ghosts and if you told me in college that I was a gatekeeper or that something like a gatekeeper was real, I would have run away from you. I can’t stress this enough, because I am not a naturally woo-woo person. this is what makes everything that much more valid for me; I have never sought out my experiences. they have taken over me, though. and now I am perfectly fine with this (most of the time! except for when I feel someone elses emotions so strongly that I can not shake them — hence my session work and protocol).

after I saw my grandfather those years ago, I really did not want to see another “ghost” so clearly. I understood that yes, energy is infinite and timeless, and I even understood how the human ego leaves us when we die, but I still wasn’t comfortable or welcoming to that which I could not…control. but after I was used as some kind of gate or portal not only for those dying and changing form, and then for thousands of sessions, I sort of…got used to it. one day I woke up in my bedroom and saw a man from the 1980s in a blue and white track suit. he was Italian. I saw that he was busy..doing stuff. counting money, I think. he shared my living space — it’s just that we were in different dimensions. he was not aware of me — he was purely going about his business. I was aware of him. and as I began to study him, he…evaporated.

another morning I woke up and saw an old man and a little girl — his granddaughter, I think. they were dressed in 1920s clothing. he looked at me as if he knew I was occupying his space, and they disappeared into another dimension completely. I felt…safe and not alone, ironically. I no longer felt the crippling fear that I felt as a child. I will also note that there were so many other difficult things happening during that early time in my life, that it would have been very hard to decipher what was real since I was conditioned to not believe ANYTHING that I knew to be true, one way or another. thankfully, over time and with courage and effort, we can recover memories and our own sense of judgement, as well as, well, TRUTH…

now, to the reason I am writing this post. we all know someone who has died. most of us have loved ones who have died. and we miss them terribly. and we wonder “where they are”. some of us never wonder, because we feel them all of the time. and this is what I want to say…you may have heard or read or experienced that the essence of a person who once “was”, never leaves. and this is partly true. what DOES leave, is their ego. and this is when karma in a family dynamic can REALLY kick up — because there is no physical container blocking, unwittingly holding or defending, or otherwise countering truth. there is truth in all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or acquaintanceships. when someone dies, all of the ego aspects of them are what leave. we are then left with their intangible resonance and consciousness, aka…truth. unthwarted and unblocked from human conditions: control, manipulation, greed, etc.

often when someone dies we see family “battles” over petty shit like money. people actually spend time trying to go against wishes of deceased loved ones, or get more than their share, or even worse, still try to control the person from beyond their grave. the interesting thing about these battles is that since the ego of the person of focus is gone, the truth often envelopes everyone around them in a crazy way. this is why many people go nuts over wills, assets, and so forth. even when the wishes of a deceased person are crystal clear. emotions like control and fear and greed take over, and the people who were close to the deceased person seem to…lose it. they lose it, because there is no longer a container for all of the emotions they repressed while the now-deceased person was alive. when this space is no longer there to contain the ugly human emotions of others, from many years or timelines, we are left with: truth.

last week someone told me an interesting story about a will. and I am making a point here regarding how powerful the intention and truth of a person who has left this tangible plane and now resides solely in consciousness, versus unconsciousness, which was not a possible residence while they were in physical form, is. a wicked old lady who I actually randomly knew via one degree of separation, lost her mother. while the mother was alive, this wicked lady did everything she could to convince her sick and dying mother to change her will. the wicked lady had one sister. the sister was not wicked. the mother, alive in physical form, was still in ego, and confused by the wicked nature of the wicked old lady (her daughter). well, one day this wicked lady was caught doing something not above board with money. upon a coinciding death of her mother right around that same time, it was as if karma was nearly in physical form and laughing: somehow, it worked out that the wicked lady’s sister — the one who was not wicked — received ALL of the inheritance. not part of it. but all of it. my guess is as good as yours, but when I heard this story first-hand by the person who was there to witness all of this, it was as if the new conscious awareness of the deceased mother now in intangible form took over and met with the karma of her wicked daughter. I am skipping out on some details here, but this story was one for the books when I heard it a couple of weeks ago. and, I was not surprised…which brings me to my next point about the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward.

when we leave tangible form (ego), we…see. I won’t go into soul or oversoul purpose and specifically what happens for the sake of keeping this post on topic, but I will say that any one of us who leaves our body is able to see all that ever was and is across time and space: truth. truth resonates in the higher dimensions, and those are the intangible dimensions. period. some of us, whilst still in human form, can access those dimensions. depending upon how much self-work we have done. aka how honest we can be with ourselves. not everyone wants to access truth, which is best reached beyond the confines of the human linear mind (ego). and so they struggle dearly.

part of this post is about bringing peace of mind to anyone who feels stressed, abandoned or dumbfounded by a sudden, not sudden, or otherwise death of a loved one, friend or acquaintance. part of my intention to express some peace for others is describing my experience and knowing with the unseen. if perhaps you connect to that, or can feel the resonance through my writing, well, maybe that is a start. another part of my intention to express some peace for others is to explain how truth hits the fan when people die. again, think of it like this: all of the control, lies, or otherwise disappointing human qualities in those around the person who dies will be revealed. almost immediately. for some of us, this can be a wonderful and healing event. for others of us, we see things that we never wanted to see, or were hoping were not true. either way, the veil is now gone. if you believe in truth rising, there can surely be peace around the death of a loved one as for better or worse, it can provide much closure on a variety of levels. finally, I want to share this…

I recently lost someone who I loved very much. we had a most special connection. we had a language in which to communicate, telepathically, for when she died. I never really knew for certain if this language would “show up” for me when she decided to go, but I was hopeful. before she died, she appeared in a series of dreams this year. I cried so hard DURING the dreams that I would awaken with salty dried tears all over my face. I couldn’t believe it: I was already mourning her! I felt like she was giving me the biggest gift already. she spoke to me directly in the dreams. she said goodbye. she also said goodbye while she was still alive. she made me aware of her terms of death and what she wanted for me. the circumstances surrounding her death were unfortunate, mostly due to the ego and control of those around her. but there is nothing that can ever, ever interfere with our connection. this is true for all relationships, whether they are friendships or family or otherwise — what is true, is true, and it transcends time and space and everything in it that is not true. as I mourned her in my dream states, I wondered when I would feel her leave. and then one day I just knew when she did. she showed up in my bedroom in a timeline of her youth. she was graceful, beautiful, and strong. her essence is something I remembered from years ago. it was not an essence of the present, but her consciousness was more present than ever.

at the time she left her physical body, the most incredible synchronicity happened for me. a terrible grip that someone had upon me energetically (namely connected to the theft of my domains and more) became unraveled. I discovered, in the most amazing way, the cause and location of exactly an issue I dealt with for over a year. it was as if she spelled out for me how to unblock this massive interference in my life, in a language that I did not even speak. I was shown “accidental” evidence and Freudian slips that I believe are a strong byproduct of her freeing up the physical space in the tangible realm that contained many lies and controlling behaviors. as soon as she transitioned, it was as if I was being helped in a way no one else could help me. not to mention the fact that although we were close, I felt and now feel closer to her than ever. I feel her support, friendship, and awareness of my truth more loudly than ever would have been possible while she was on this physical plane. it may sound weird to say, but we now have an opportunity for a closer relationship than ever. and I have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

sometimes and often when loved ones die, and we had a karmic agreement with them, it is easier for THEM to carry out their commitment to us AFTER they transcend their physical container. that is, if WE are able to connect to them from this realm to that realm. and what can we do? we can simply talk to them like they are right there. I know this may sound odd to anyone who has not experienced “other”. but I would suggest trying it. perhaps if anything I’ve said in the above examples resonates, the step can be made toward a connection between your dimension (physical) and that of whom you want to connect with (nonphysical). while it is safer for the mind to process such deep connections in a dream state, you may also notice with comfort that recently deceased loved ones will ramp up synchronicities and the truth to assist you in many ways. it is their way, also, of righting wrongs that occurred while they were in physical form and tied in with other physical beings who all have ego (our block to so much).

the physical death of a person, and their effect upon us afterward, can express itself in many different ways. the above ways are my experiences. if you had a difficult relationship with someone who then died, you may also find it easier to connect/forgive/”dialogue” with them while they are in intangible and subsequently ego-less form. if you want to. the message is that there is opportunity, even after physical closure with someone on this live human plane, to learn something new that you could not connect to on this plane because of aforementioned human roadblocks (ego). when there is no longer ego, aka a foggy lens, there can be even greater and deeper healing between you and your “loss” — regardless of how your closure took place on this plane. above all, be open to the truth, because their new plane of resonance has much to offer in the way of it that wouldn’t have been possible in our 3d reality.

timeline and dimensional cross-over, and how it can make us feel a “type of way” in our current (perceivably linear) reality

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

here’s the first thing in prefacing this post. I do not come from woo-woo. I often have to see it to believe it, though, I have now seen so much that the latter part is in terms of necessity kind of off the table.

anyhow, it was over a decade ago after a series of life experiences I had, that I began to (seemingly innately) understand and research the physics of energy, time & space, and so forth. I never had a conscious knowing for sciences, nor did I have the desire to study them because I associated them with a box that has since been kind of broken and torn apart. I didn’t understand or accept how closely intertwined science and intuition are. now, I see that they are one. as someone brilliant in one of my Healing Elaine® Movement videos says, “the real science is the intuition that comes behind the science” — she is a C-Suite at one of the world’s largest technical companies, and she has a vast background in finance as well. she is linear. but…she understands what many do not, because until recently it was completely written off as woo-woo or crazy. “it” is the unseen. the intangible. and as I refer to it, the gas in the car. we don’t know, what we don’t know…and there is a lot in the “unseen” realms that we don’t know. because most of us can’t see them…yet.

I want to talk about the confusion that arises for us — both consciously and unconsciously — regarding what certain people really mean to us. much of what I will write about in this post can be read in my eBooklet2. I won’t say that it’s the most current reflection of what I now know and understand on the relative subjects because I wrote it 3 years ago. but I enjoy sharing my growth.

we use all kinds of words and references to describe the people around us. “family”. “friend”. “twin-flame” (eye-roll — enough with this twin-flame stuff already, because it has been totally sensationalized and so much of the info on the twin-flame notion out there is WRONG — and people are using the word as a complete excuse to psychologically and emotionally and spiritually bypass otherwise important self-growth opportunities). what does get confusing, at times however, is the significance of certain individuals in our life. because we are so NASCENT in our understanding of the otherwise unseen realms, we often immediately assign a polarized meaning to a person that we have strong feelings for. for example.

years ago I was having an intuitive read with a woman in San Diego. she told me that some people just…follow us in life, but we aren’t always supposed to know them. sometimes we never even talk to them. yet, they show up over and over and over again…and we notice it. they may or may not notice us. often the notice is mutual, but what to do about it is tricky because of…timing. I will get into that later, as it is the bane of this post. she didn’t go into timing or why or anything like that, she just told me about one experience she had because I was having one so similar. she told me that when she was young, she went to a comedy show and Robin Williams was performing live. sometime around the show, either before or after the show, he had appeared in her dreams. he would talk to her. like he knew her. then one day, years later, whilst he still appeared in her dreams like it was totally normal, she went on a hike. as she stopped for a water break at a trail impasse, Robin walked toward her, looked her dead in the eyes, said hello, and kept walking. this would not be the last time they saw each other, in either realm. but since she is intuitive, she realized that this was just…one of those things. she didn’t need to make it mean something in human form. she wasn’t supposed to “fall in love with him” or “work with him” or “move to a street named Robin”.

in the fall of 2008, I was planning a big birthday party for myself around new years. as I began to think about this party i wanted to have, I saw the frontman of a very famous band in my mind’s eye. yes, he is gorgeous. yes, he is talented. yes, he is eternal in many ways. but I wasn’t consciously thinking about him or listening to his music during that time. he just…popped into my head. and as I thought about which city I would have my birthday party in, I saw him there. I phoned my best friend, at that time, to tell her. of course she thought I was nuts. but at the same time, nothing with me ever truly surprised her. I was the “different” one in our college apartment of 6 girls. they all knew it but I suppose I was normal enough for them to live with me! anyhow, I’m pretty sure what I said to her went in one ear and out through the other on that call. I said “I know that if we book this trip, xyz person will be there”. she was like, what do you mean “he will be there”, I think. and so as the date of the birthday party and new years approached, I felt his energy. since I am not and never have been a starf@cker (plenty of opportunities throughout my life), I wasn’t interested in anything beyond knowing what this “knowing” about him “being there” or in the same city as me during my birthday party meant.

I got us this killer hotel duplex suite and my 3 girlfriends and I met in Miami for the new year. on my flight down, the numbers I saw that were repetitive were nearly driving me nuts. my flight number corresponded to my seat number which both corresponded to the time of the departure; when I landed, I went to the ATM and the balance in my bank account corresponded to the address of the hotel and the taxi’s license plate. there was repetition everywhere with numbers. back then, around 2008, this was always my “sign” that I was on the right path. sometimes it doesn’t mean that, though. be careful what significance you give to things! anyhow, I checked into the hotel. there was one night before the big new years eve party we were going to (before social media ruined EVERYTHING social, by the way! yeah, this was the last great human party I have ever been to, because it was based on attraction not fake promotion). on the day of the big party, everything fell into place quite nicely. it was around midnight, and we had all gone to the shore club — probably it’s last good party, ever. I had been acquainted with this hotel since it was opened, and I spent 2002 new years there. the parties were off the charts. the last good party there was 2008 no doubt. I digress. as the clock struck midnight and I stood between the hotel and the beach outside with hundreds of party-goers, I felt a very strong energy coming toward me. my entire body felt a resonance of electricity. as I turned to face the hotel with my back to the beach, on the boardwalk that separated the two, he walked toward me. xyz famous gorgeous musician man. the timing in the physical reality was crazy, because we had no time for eye contact. we were the only two people in this area of the boardwalk, and we nearly bumped into each other. as my eyes hit him, his head was turning toward me but only our shoulders crossed. he didn’t look back but I did. and that’s when I saw who it was. the person who was “showing up” for me the month or so leading up to me planning my birthday and new years party. I walked over to my friend (who was talking to a VERY rude actor), and told her to look behind us — she saw the person I had told her about and her jaw was on the floor.

after midnight, my group of girlfriends and I decided to leave the shore club. we went to two more parties, which I guess were after-parties. for each one of them: as I walked in, xyz musician person walked out. this time, we saw each other, but there were crowds between us. there was a mutual recognition that we each “exist”, at least in this physical dimension. as my friends decided to close out the night around 3am, I needed to walk off the synchronicity and digest it. this was my first experience with it in this particular fashion (knowing exactly who I would cross physical paths with, and when, without ever having met them in person on this plane). as I walked Collins avenue on Miami Beach by myself around 4am, I felt the crazy electric energy again. it was coming from my right side this time as I was walking back to my hotel. I looked across the street, and as I did, xyz man looked across the street — directly at me. it made me so nervous that I bolted for the hotel. he was with 2 friends and I was alone and totally intimidated by the experience I was having. also, we were wearing nearly matching outfits but in totally opposite colors: he in electric blue with houndstooth scarf, and me in electric red with houndstooth scarf. honestly: what are the odds.

as I bolted back into my hotel room, I told one of my friends what happened. they all volunteered to leave the hotel room if I wanted to bring him back. not only was it not my style to do that, I was frightened by the strength of the magnetic pull. because what did it mean?? and after all, I ran away from him.

the next evening, we had dinner at Nobu which is the restaurant that was inside the hotel party we had gone to the night prior. it was packed. I ran into a famous actor who I went to high school with and we chatted. I decided to pick up the bar tab for my 3 girlfriends and I as we waited for our table, so they went to sit down while I went to the bar. as I waited for the bartender to run my credit card, I felt it…again. this electricity. this…focus. as I looked from the bar into the small dining room entrance where my friends were waiting, I my gaze didn’t even make it directly to their table — because sitting in between the bar and their table just inside the entrance was xyz man. again. I couldn’t help but think: am I intentionally making this happen? did I really want to meet him? to date him? to talk to him? I couldn’t answer the question. because why I would I be running away from him if any of the above were true for me? I stood there in shock and intimidation. partially due to this intangible and loud connection between us, for only reasons that God knows, but also with anxiety because of how famous and attractive he was. I could see him and he could see me whilst I stood at the bar waiting for my check. then, I had to do it – I had to cross the small entrance, nearly touch him to get to my dinner table, and sit down with my friends — at the table next to him. as I walked into the dining area, I diverted my gaze to the point at which I almost tripped because I wasn’t looking in front of me. he stared at me intensely and said something, and I completely dissociated from it. my friends and I ate dinner and I tried instructing everyone at the table to please NOT look at the table next to us. his table.

later that evening after dinner, the same thing happened. as we walked into a party, he was walking out. I’m not saying it became mundane at this point, but I knew I wasn’t going to make eye contact or talk to him. so there was no point left in becoming excited about this odd connection that I didn’t fully understand. and I was trying to understand it. I thought about my friend, the intuitive, in San Diego. I flew back to NYC and digested my experience. and little did I know that it was an experience that I would have with that very same person again — many more times. to this day, we have never spoken. but I know that he exists and he knows that I exist. two of the last times I saw him we were both at a hotel in lower Manhattan. the first time, I was in the lobby and I got that feeling and he came to my mind — I looked up, and he was staring at me. it was fashion week. it was a very quiet lobby and we were maybe 5 yards from one another. it would have been awkward to talk because we were both wrapped up in other engagements. I was less nervous about the freak nature of seeing him and the unspoken intensity of the connection I felt, but I still didn’t understand what we would have to talk about. also, I was still scared to date anyone famous (was a chronic fear, actually — dating someone famous and then having the world think that any success I garnered had to do with that — or, having my reputation or essence persuaded by the strong existence of another human being and their fame). that same week, my friend invited me to a party. xyz man was at the table next to us. one of the final times I saw xyz man was at that one hotel. I was outside having dinner with a friend. suddenly, xyz man popped into my head. I told her “xyz man is coming here, to this hotel, right now”. she laughed. I felt it so strongly that again, it bothered me because I just knew it was true. as we ate dinner outside, I looked up and he walked by with a girl.

so, what does this all mean? as humans we like to automatically assign things meaning, SO THAT WE CAN CONTROL THEM. or, because we are in ego, and we want to force an ego desire. the night at the restaurant outside of the hotel, nearly 8 years had passed since I had connected to xyz man or him to me, in the same way. at least once a year. so, I wasn’t shocked any longer. I felt that the “lesson” or meaning, for me, was just to accept that 1) not everything has to MEAN anything and 2) there is a LOT happening in other timelines/dimensions…and that this person and I were likely working together in ANOTHER realm. and this one may or may not ever matter, as far as we as physical humans, are concerned. sound crazy? let me try to explain it a little bit better.

when I moved to the east village in 2010, I was deep into doing my own study of earth energy and human energy and listening to people like Abraham Hicks and the like. I already “got it” in terms of body and spirit, but I didn’t totally get it in terms of what human 3d synchronicity meant for the mind. and I didn’t want to assign something a value or meaning just because I needed it to make sense. so as I continued my journey, “it” happened again — but this time way louder. it began at the end of 2011 or early 2012. as I walked down the street, I felt an intense focus upon me. as I looked to my right, I saw a couple of kids on a bench. I thought to myself, why is that one kid looking at me funny, almost like he knew me? I didn’t know him from Adam. we were a decade apart in age. I went about my business but I remember that look. I also realize and realized that maybe he had no conscious awareness of the look that he gave me. maybe it was my own awareness, in “seeing” him “see” me. months later, I was in a cafe and I went to sit down. the barista told me I was crowding “123 persons” stuff. she said it like I knew him. I didn’t. he was in the bathroom. when he came back, he was super nice and moved his stuff. I still didn’t know him and wasn’t sure why the barista went out of her way to say his first name. ok so apparently he was a famous child star who was still famous. but since I was not close in age and I hardly ever watched tv, I didn’t have a clue. after that day, I would see this person everywhere in the city. no matter where I was. I actually felt uncomfortable when I would see this person because it was so common and odd. then, it got weirder. a step beyond or different from xyz musician man, 123 person began showing up in my dreams. again: I had no intentions with this person either. the dreams became loud. I felt silly. I wasn’t making this happen, I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t understand it at that time. the dreams were nearly lucid. upon waking from them, I felt for certain that he must be aware of them. and then I realized that he probably did not. I am still not sure. I kept crossing paths with 123 person, once in a while giving a nod to him and him to me. he went out of his way to say hello to me. and I felt the same intensity that was accompanied with a bit of anxiety, and I would kind of go about my business quickly as a result. there was the recognition, just like with xyz musician man, that we each existed on the physical plane. but, what about the other planes? this was my curiosity. and because he was at bit younger, I also felt very uncomfortable addressing giving it credibility. the dreams ramped up. they were dreams of super regular, normal stuff. sometimes we would be walking down the street and talking. sometimes he would be playing with my hair. often times, it just felt like the biggest energetic support I’ve ever gotten. because the dreams were so…commonplace in terms of the activity within them, I really didn’t know what to think. but they persisted. weekly. one day the resonance or connection that was occurring in this other realm was so loud, I felt I had to do something about it. I felt hesitant A) because well, I didn’t want him to think I was hitting on him. and B), he was/is famous. famous people are paranoid about motives. understandably. but I had no idea or care as to who he was prior to knowing. and then I decided to leave my little biz card with staff to give to him when one of them told me we had a mutual interest in something particularly esoteric — and once again we were dining at the same time and place. weeks later, we crossed paths and he seemed a little freaked out. after all, my biz card was woo-woo and it’s like, possibly, what is this crazy older girl doing? we finally chatted a week or so later for quite a while in person, and the resonance I had in my dreams was there in the tangible realm — I knew this person “before”. I don’t know them “now” other than the handful of conversations we had. but…I know them. I of course did not bring this up. he was and I believe is one of the kindest and most sincere people I have ever known to exist. he gave me something lucky to take with me the day we finally spoke more at length. a week later, one of the luckiest things ever to happen to me in my life happened — on his birthday (which was in the press, which is how I knew). I knew there was a connection. and there was this knowing that somewhere, out there, in other realms, we were helping each other. specifically him me.

after that day, I moved out of the neighborhood. the very next time I went there, months later, I ran into him. we chatted and he asked where I had been. I don’t know what 123 person’s awareness of me was, exactly, other than that I was a random girl, but I knew by this point the “reason” for “knowing” him. and I felt that it didn’t really have to be about “this” 3d realm, or this current perceivably linear reality. I knew this because of what I experienced with xyz musician man. and because of what my San Diego intuitive told me about her experiences with Robin. that they…”just were”.

which brings me to current. the dreams with 123 person have never stopped. last night I had another one. a LOUD one. the sleep-dreams I have are not bizarre or erotic in nature. they are, however, something I have never felt. not even on this human plane. they are…supportive beyond belief yet extremely commonplace in terms of the activity that takes place in the dreams. and they are nearly lucid — I have to remind myself that we did not hang out in said as in THIS realm. so, how do we reconcile intense synchronicities that show up in 3d physical form, in tandem with VERY loud intangible experiences (like sleep-dreams, or knowing you will run into a specific person you either have never met or do not know on a personal level at all)?

reconciling the above is tough, and I see so many people auto-assigning such things meaning. “s/he is my twin flame”. or “this means specifically this”. or “my psychic told me it’s this!”. we want answers so that we can control our feelings. when we are not sure what something means, we are not sure what to…feel. and for your average control freak or even just average human being, that’s tough. we want answers! we want proof. we want an equation. and this…is where we fall…

I do thank God that I could really care less about some of the formalities of life (like social “convention”) or the things that others value: fame, fortune, good looks. I’ve suffered enough in my life to know that NONE of that matters. and I mean it. and I have had access to all of it…at a cost, unless it was truly germane to what my higher self, spirit guides, God, or whatever benevolent source you want to call it, wanted for me. so, what’s the point if it isn’t truly in alignment with my higher self? that’s right. there isn’t. and so unless it is in alignment with my higher self, I don’t automatically assign it meaning. it’s not my job. once I assign value to something that I don’t fully understand, I am creating psychological karma. yes, that is my term. psychological karma. and psychological karma is created when we get caught in ego. ego is anything that does not somehow benefit the greater good. it just is. but feelings are real, and when I go through synchronicities or dreams that shake me so loudly, I do stop and…think. and then that is where the reconciliation must come in. this brings me to other planes. other dimensions. and…other timelines.

much like my eBooklet2 eBooklet, I have reconciled knowing with not knowing. I have done this because I am aware of the fact that we are constantly working with more than one timeline. more than one timeline that includes past present and future manifestations, as well as lifetimes. well, I am seeing that “this” lifetime of mine is actually so blended with “past” lives, that I am actually experiencing them intertwine in “this” life. hence all of this starting for me in 2008 to bear witness to on this plane. I’m not going to present a physics lesson here in terms of time and space (I reserve that for sessions, plus — I give away A LOT in my blog here already — info that people take and use in mixed-up ways on their own or for their own “practices”), but I would suggest listening to some basic deGrasse Tyson stuff to get your toes wet. the bottom line to understand in terms of reconciling confusing or intense experiences such as I describe having with xyz musician man and 123 person, is the fact that THIS is not our only reality. period. and if we can simply not MAKE/FORCE x to mean y, we can sit back and simply observe our feelings — and the synchronicities. they don’t HAVE to mean something in this timeline. they really don’t…

we get so confused in certain relationships. usually these are relationships that we are either trying to force, or won’t work, or don’t make sense at all. and I would suffice to say that nearly 99% of the time, these are relationships that are playing out on OTHER planes. there is no such thing as time and space. it is an illusion that we use to rationalize our day, our job, and to function as humans. but we can take our understanding further if we can surrender to having to have all of the answers. the irony is, in surrendering to having all of the answers, there are…many more answers.

when we surrender to strong feelings, it means we can let things be. it doesn’t mean that we need to act upon them, or that we are “meant to be” xyz to a certain person. and as we surrender to the fact that we are infinite beings living MANY timelines at once, the “one” that we are linearly focused in “now”, becomes clearer…and without force, we will bring in the things that we really do want — especially the things that work because they are NOT a mystery. when we stop needing something to make sense, we see…what makes sense.

in each of my two above-described human/other experiences, I have had alarming “knowings” about that person. which have indicated to me that we are most definitely playing out life circumstances in other realms. aka parallel realities. when difficult things hit the press for both xyz musician man and 123 person, I felt them before they happened. I sent one of them in particular prayers as if we were in constant contact, like I would for a friend. it’s just that the veil, for me, and for many of us, is so thin that I can actually feel and tap into what is going on in other timelines and dimensions associated with my very being. everything (realities, time) is condensing right now, and it is important to not get so CONFUSED about why something seems one way but in “reality” is another way. we are working with and interpreting more than we can understand. this again…is one of the “banes” of the work I do with others. fully explaining the nuances of all that I write about here in rather abbreviated form.

when I woke up this morning, I was grateful for the support I had in my dream last night. it was again: palpable and lucid. if I didn’t know what I know, I would be trying to reach out to the person who was so kind to me in my dream last night, in THIS timeline. but I don’t need to. and they don’t ever need to know (unless for some God-driven necessity that we come to know each other well in THIS dimension) about these dreams I have. because in this other dimension, wherever we are, this person is helping me. and I am grateful. and perhaps my gratitude and thanks is supporting them in…THIS timeline without either one of us knowing exactly how.

I’m back. general updates, thoughts on lemmings, and my first big book.

photo by Pia Oyarzun

I am back.

if you have been keeping up with my instagram posts, you might be somewhat up-to-date as to my various statuses.

long story short: for 14 months beginning July 2017, I lost (was robbed) full control over my property and then-some. as the issues at hand finally began to become addressed, I invested time since this past August fully solving them. I won’t bore with further specific details, other than to say that my very last blog post (though cryptic as some or many of my posts may be or seem) sums up the entire experience. now, I am back. I have full control over my property. there are no more tangible leeches, bottom-feeders, or snake-oil sellers stealing from or tampering with my life’s work which has been put into this blog/site. it feels amazing to be back. to have MY life’s work back. if you have been following me for a while and even if you haven’t, you will notice that I am not some roadside or pop-up sudden trending “healer”. what I do has lived and burned inside of me since the day I was born. this is why it was not just important for me to recover my property, but rather it felt like life or death to me in terms of recovering it. because in essence it was. my work is my life, and my writing is my life. it is my purpose, and why I breathe. no matter what else I do, no matter how many children I have or what friendships or partnerships in my life last, THIS is my core before all else. so there’s that. a snippet of what my blog/IP/writing/business means to me.

now that I am back, I have a new life force. usually that is what happens when we are crushed for any period of time. to be clear: I woke up every single day for 14 months and could not solve the above issue. it was like watching someone walk into my house every single day, take whatever they want, eat my food, leave, and never be able to lock the door. this was another death of self, like I write about in my eBooklet(s), that I went through. and at the end of the day, I had to re-learn one thing: no one can take my essence. no one can take what my purpose for being is, represents and calls for. it reminds me of the many people who have attempted to take my knowledge or work, and replicate it for themselves (in their blogs, for their “healing practices” and so on) — it will never, ever work. what we own comes from our core. we can never borrow or steal someone else’s purpose. though many try. in both the tangible and intangible realms. which always amazes me. and yet it happens so often. and as it does, combined with the new life force that I have resurrected from within this past year-plus, I realize now more than ever that it is time to complete my first big book.

the truth is, I can be very unstructured. I like to learn on my own versus be taught or gleam from others. perhaps to a fault. I have called it “being authentic”, when perhaps it is also ironically and partially…lazy? it has been hard for me to get structured and take the human steps to finish my big book and get it published. I call it my “big book” because I have obviously written a ton (a dear friend and revered Pulitzer winner told me several years ago at this point that I have at least 3-6 books in my blog alone) and I have published my eBooklets 1-6. but those are not official books like I want on a bestseller list. the truth also is that I have procrastinated. I have felt an aversion to “processes”. human processes. I know that this holds me back. as my friend Carey Davidson of Tournesol Wellness in NYC says to me, I am “fire” — and “fire” people abhor structure. this would be me, in many senses. yet, how long can I continue to wake up each day, focusing solely on helping others, without taking the steps I know I am called for to get this first big book done? the answer is, no longer. part of what happened with having my property and being tampered with (aside from the fact that for as far back as I can remember I do attract, in the outside world, obsessive, obsessed, and often empty energies looking to fill themselves up with me — hence giving themselves some “identity”) is the realization that executing a purpose I have been dragging my feet in fulfilling will only anchor me further. and anchors are good for someone like me who lives such a maverick lifestyle. furthermore, not that I don’t already own all of my work in both writing and beyond, with my first book there is no escaping what is intrinsic to me.

it has been hard to know, at times, whether I was just being lazy about writing and publishing this first big book, or if I was simply attuned to timing. since I focus on many things at once (always been this way, always will be — yet I must counter that with structure!), I was constantly feeling into the timing. I got quite a bit of pressure from those around me, and quite a bit of encouragement such as from my Pulitzer winner friend which was lovely, to get this first big book (and a series) DONE. one of the tipping points for me, though, was last week. after about 3 years of knowing I HAD to do this, last week tipped me over. I had a call with my tarot reader upstate. before you roll your eyes at that, this person works on cold cases for the NY police departments. she is no joke. I was once averse to things like tarot, believe it or not. I didn’t even pick up and use a deck of my own until last week. it was a deck she gifted me two years ago. anyhow, during our call for my reading (it’s like a lengthy weather report on my life), she mentioned the following, which really hit a nerve: “the cards say you are missing a writing opportunity”. good Lord. I know and knew what she was talking about. but nothing had fully lit the fire within me until that moment. she had mentioned my writing many times prior, I had prayed on receiving inspiration from source as to when to execute it, but nothing had really connected to my core like our phone call last week. and so here I am.

since I have never taken a technical writing course in my life (to be honest, I barely remember college — I was in a fog nearly the entire time, though I was a Journalism major and I don’t recall doing too well in any of the classes), I finally began one. it was recommended to me by one of the greatest novelists of our time. this person is amazing. it has taken this person years to write just one novel, so I get how serious the process can be. and I can’t say I feel terribly behind, because like this person also told me, I have several books alone in my blog. so, it’s…there. I write every single day. I can’t help it. but, what I do need help with is the organization. the technical. and so I have started the course. I previously felt averse to taking this course, which I had access to a couple of years ago. I signed up for it, and never dove in. now, I have dived in. I am in it. and I am saying all of this because when I announce something, it means I HAVE to do it. even if it happens years later. as far as my first book is concerned, no, it will not be years later. it can’t be. the urgency is now. and today I woke up with the fire in my heart and mind to attack the technical and real-world organizational aspects of completing this book that usually make me cringe. this is the fire I have been waiting for. the green light. I suppose I will know, in time, if my impulse was a green light from spirit / source / God, or if it was something else. since I have lost sleep over the years knowing that I was procrastinating on a HUGE part of my purpose. I guess if you follow me and have interest in what I write, you, too, will find out!

we are in a time and space full of lemmings. I was nearly 30 years old before I used any kind of social media. I CAN NOT for the life of me imagine what my life would be like if I looked at these fake apps and compared my life to “influencers” (truly, what is that REALLY, anyhow?) or any of the other seemingly absolutely obscure “important” people or “instagram businesses” out there. I probably sound old. but it is true. none of it makes sense to me. probably because almost none of it is real. and thankfully I have not been conditioned on that front. anyone about 8 years + younger than me is less lucky. it’s just what it is. but there is also this: aside from the lemming disease our society suffers from, I believe in part due to these crazy and unimportant “trending” apps and so on, we are also in a time and space in which true, individual and authentic purpose is rising. as we all know, true, individual and authentic purpose has been dangerous since the beginning of time. I won’t bother going into why and all of the details. but it’s the truth. anyone who thinks differently has been persecuted — because thinking differently is born from purpose. purpose, ahead of its time, is ripe for persecution. period. I am sure you can think of many different examples right now as you read this. so, as I reflect on the last decade since I began writing and really intensely studying the earth’s energy and the collective and those on the leading edge of the woo-woo, I see a staggering and often laughable lightning bolt increase in “spiritual” healers and therapists and writers, etc. and I say this because, most of the information is not original. it is regurgitated. and there is nothing truly wrong with that, when it is put in the context of someone’s personal and authentic life experience. often it is not, because there are very young people doing this, because now it is “cool” (thank you again, instagram and trendy social apps). in 2004 when I first began listening to Caroline Myss (on tape cassette in my car), there was no one else like her out there doing what she does. I connected to her lectures on a level that nearly sent me into a samadhi for hours on end, daily. even her simple lectures put me into a near-trance state, because of the resonance at my CORE. it was in 2003 that I endeavored to begin my healing practice, but fear kept stopping me. plus, who wants to listen to sage-like advice from an early 20-something who hasn’t lived yet? at least that was my story. I still did not know enough. I was too young. I had nothing to apply my “knowledge” to. knowledge and information are not experience. and this is the void that, right now, must be filled. since 2004, I began diving deep into the world of physics and energy and understanding it. I became a near-recluse in 2006 after I left corporate and began quietly working on people energetically. and when I finally felt confident enough to “say who I am” in early 2011, I could count on my hand the number of healers or intuitives I knew of even worldwide. there was no one on yelp, no reiki healer or intuitive, except for myself and two other people. that’s it. a less-than handful. plus the intuitive I met early on in NYC who no longer resides here. one of them. and I don’t know how they would feel about being mentioned here so I won’t share at this time. but they are the real deal. since 2011, there are now not only hundreds but THOUSANDS of “healers” and “intuitives”. every year that I collected testimonials on yelp I would key word search “reiki” or “healer” and the incline was…off the charts. aside from nearly 50 people who I assisted in starting their own healing practices (I won’t bother talking about the ones who pretend they do not know me now), the numbers leap-frogged annually. now they are leap-frogging monthly if not daily. so, what gives??

mostly trend. let’s be honest. no one comes out of the closet easily. when I did, it felt like I was being lit on fire. I was terrified. for about 2-3 years straight. as I have already written about in various posts, I hid my face and used only my middle name. I did not want to be known, judged, skewered. that didn’t last. but the point is, I did not “come out” on trend. “on-trend” opposes all that I stand for. second, the reason for this sudden “emergence” in “reiki masters” and “healers” and “psychics” and so on has to do with a few people doing it and making it “ok” for the rest. and then finally, well, I write about the physics of energy as it relates to our planet earth: people ARE waking up at a lightning pace, specifically since 2008. I won’t go into details here as to why. but another reason for this sudden rise in what was once considered “new age” pertains to the earth’s energy. and the truth is, the collective as a whole has more access than ever to healing energy and intuition. we were all born with a degree of it. and now many people think they are different, special, or even cool because they can tap into it. there is nothing cool about any of it. it’s just human nature. and though this might sound a little grey in terms of how I describe why the masses are coming forward in this former new-age context, I do think it is generally a good thing. for this “work” (let’s be clear — most people do not know what they are doing, and right now “healing” is like the wild wild west in terms of any authentically qualifying factors) to be trending, at least it is opening people to what might possibly exist in the realms that we can not see, hear, or touch in palpable 3d (another trendy word now) form.

as things speed up with this “trend” of all things “healing”, water and oil WILL separate. perhaps that is what has inspired me to finally complete and publish my first book. because much of what I know, via experience not knowledge, is based on thousands of individual and lengthy personal case studies via my private practice. I have learned SO MUCH through my work. and now, I want to share what I have learned in a positive sense so that people may actually and genuinely — cutting through the trendy fluff out there — benefit from. since I did not choose this path from my mind, I want to share my core — the way that Caroline Myss did with me when I was a young person in my early years, trying to understand life and the way that I am made. the individuals I have the honor of seeing and working with via my practice remind me of the person I was when I first heard Caroline — they often carry the template of knowledge, but have nothing and no one outside of them to activate it. because it can not be activated by anything less that a MATCH — a core, authentic activation. reading some trendy article in a popular “wellness” magazine just isn’t going to cut it. and there are many, many people out there who will benefit from core knowing because it will activate their purpose — and those around them will respond to the core purpose within them that allows them to share on subjects that are trending, yet need to be discussed responsibly. we have plenty of other specialists in this world doing other things that keep things running. and so this new territory is crucial, because it is unchartered and, well, unmonitored. which can confuse a lot of people.

so, where am I at today with my work? I am continuing to flush out my TEM work. I am taking very few SLS (super luxury session) sessions (both local and destination sessions). I am writing my first big book. and as always, if you think we are a perfect match, I would love to hear from you. when and where there is destiny, there is…destiny. it has always amazed me that my most revelational sessions occur with a person who thought I would never call them back. I can relate to that feeling myself. because when we are truly meant for something, the feeling of entitlement does not even exist. rather, the feeling of the unknown in a very exciting and nervous sense, prevails.

if you read this post and feel confused because you are interested in healing, “spirituality”, holistic or otherwise “new age” work, I encourage you to know yourSELF on all levels possible and present your authentic truth as loudly and clearly as possible. there is nothing wrong with drawing inspiration — but when the truth is yours, and you own it, you won’t have to try hard to launch your purpose — it will launch for you. quite in fact, you will not be able to avoid it and you will not be able to stop thinking about it. no mater your age or “experience” or background. you do not have to isolate in an ashram for 10 years or OM yourself into “enlightenment” in a yoga class. quite the opposite, actually. I encourage you to own yourself like no one’s business, and become your own identity and NO ONE ELSE’S. if you have even an inkling that healing work is for you, then you must do it. and be willing to start somewhere, without all of the answers, without security or a net. just start. start by “knowing nothing” (whilst knowing your core as strongly as possible), as this is how we learn. do not be intimidated by what I speak about in terms of the wild wild west genre of “healers” or the fact that there is no regulation where there needs to be. because you may very well, if you own yourSELF, be one of the great change agents this “field” needs. and it’s more than a field, it is the truth. if you line up with that, to the best of your ability, you are going to be successful. I promise.