a wave of pattern breaking and new energy is here.

photo by Anita Saini

both personally and collectively I am recognizing years or lifetimes of patterning within the human self, obliterating.

it is a beautiful time for many of us right now. keep in mind that the word and notion “beautiful” is up for grabs in terms of how you want to interpret it. for example, if you are sincerely detached from the material world (as in, maybe you enjoy it, even strive for it in different ways, or cultivate it daily, yet it does not define your happiness), the ability to focus within is greater – it is only within this space that we can notice inner alignment and growth. when we are distracted by things that don’t matter (mostly the fleeting, material world), we are put at a disadvantage because this distraction busies the mind in a thwarting fashion. often, when we are distracted by things that don’t matter, we will 1) lose everything material 2) go through a personal dark night — in order to tune us into our inner world. it is within that world that we can actually and accurately hear and see ourselves — as well as our progress, or lack thereof.

by “progress”, I mean simply that we are here as individuals to progress. if we are not progressing, we are dying; we have either become distracted by things that do not matter, halting our growth, or we have refused growth. we are not here to regress, but to progress. this is INTERNAL. it is intrinsic to being a live human being — the higher self’s desire for progress. of course the word is relative. in theory of relativity there is NO comparison to the outer world, or the perceived outer world of another person’s life. and this past week, I noted progress – both within myself, and shared with me by many others.

this particular progress that I’ve witnessed and noted within myself is years of a specific pattern of fear. it’s GONE. I’ve written from my insides out in my blog for years now, because I believe in showing my personal growth versus telling it only in the aftermath; and if you have been reading or go back and read through it, you will note various fears that I have both consciously AND unconsciously expressed. over the years of sharing my own inner world and working with many people, I’ve been curious as to whether that one “moment” would exist for me, in which I would say “Eureka! it’s gone! this long pattern I wanted gone is gone!”. I was never attached to an outcome, because that is not how journeys and life work. the moment we surrender and detach from how we believe things must look and happen for us, they move. it is within the constant surrender that life works FOR us.

there are two specific threads of what I will call my “former life” (specifically prior to October 2018 in which I hit the tail end of another massive dark night and personal shift — it was sober, long, quiet, and harder than any other personal shift I have ever gone through) patterning. the threads are beliefs that, I knew at least consciously, are not true. I had sort of resigned to having these beliefs slash fear spores in or around me forever – this is not because I was lazy, but because I was surrendered. I also did not think that the day would come when I felt like a completely different person (AGAIN). throughout these past few weeks, and notably with personal measurement THIS week, I see that this new person within me has emerged. I’m not the only one…

people who I worked with years ago, and who keep in touch with remote sessions / pop ups etc, reached out all week to say “hey Elaine, you won’t believe this but…that THING that bothered me for so long, that was a block…IT’S GONE!”; and I said, “me too. me too.”

since the early 2000s I’ve really understood and tuned into the earth’s energy and where we were headed as a collective. it was almost like seeing entire pods of energy either coming to life, or dying…based on how people were choosing to life. I saw and felt in my own right that our planet’s energy was changing, and that people who were “living right” were going to have an easier time coming up…and that those who were spiritually lazy were going to fall. now by “easier time coming up”, I don’t mean that it looked perfect or even good in the interim; I understood that in a death, there are nasty details that we go through before we rebirth. this can be a series of rebirths, or that “big” whammo one that we are all looking for — the one I write about today as the topic, and this is the “one” that typically takes years to suddenly then recognize “overnight”. at any rate, I’ve felt the dial that mother earth has been tweaking each and every year since about 2000. we have really moved in periods of 4s, in my interpretation of the pattern waves. I am not an astrologer or a numerologist, but I do enjoy and subscribe to those reportings because they line up with what I “see’ and feel.

in the early 2000s, my grandmother sent me some antiquated report on “biorhythms” and how our personal cycles run. well, that helped me to understand that what I was seeing and feeling for myself and our collective was rooted SOMEWHERE. if you had asked me in high school or college what biorhythms etc were, I would have side-eyed and gone back over to my big bottle of wine. this is to say that the woo woo was not part of my life — and yet it WAS. I didn’t subscribe to the external context of which we consider “new age” now, yet it subscribed to me. does that make sense?

I am digressing a bit, but a larger point will be made. first of all, the majority of the people I see for my work also do not subscribe, and certainly not outwardly, to the woo woo or the unseen or the “new age” that has become so (annoyingly to me) trendy. yet, like me, the unseen — the physics of our individual and collective karmic states — subscribe to the people I see for my work. that is really, really important to consider when we consider where our planet is headed…

this bleeds into the revelations and new experience of life that I am having in recent months, all due to the very *complete* inner shifts that have occurred after all of these years. I have always said that truth is physics, and the physics of this planet will birth truth whether we like it or not, and whether we believe it or not. I have also made analogies to tech and A.I. (and during some of my consulting for such – yes, you would not believe how linked these subjects are: truth, consciousness, physics, TECH, and spirituality…) that support the fact that we can NOT go backwards as individual hence collective souls. of course our collective is a big collage of light and dark – contrast is what keeps us alive. breathing. walking. when folks ask me the reason for dark/evil, it is always this reason: without contrast we die — or move into nonphysical. at any rate, FEELING into this emergence of truth and lighter way of living collectively (keep in mind that personally, each person has free will, so those who choose OUT of truth repeatedly won’t necessarily experience truth in the way they desire) has been so acutely in my rear view mirror for so long. and I feel like we have just hit a new plateau with it — within our ego and consciousness — and new external realities are being built as a result.

back to this new energy…for so long I have wanted to feel certain (new) things. I’ve wanted the outcomes of my own patients, for myself: seeming happy U-turns. and I’ve got them now. the strongest, scariest and most life-sucking beliefs that I have held are…gone. there are two personal themes I’ve released. of course I (we) carry many. who knows what is next. but this particular breakthrough, that not so coincidentally some of my beloved patients who have been working on themselves for years are sharing with me, is a really clean, new, and exciting feeling. I know that my often cryptic way of communicating via writing only resonates with certain people — and that’s fine, it’s an excellent filter for my work — and my intention is for YOU, if you resonate with this (even if you are new to my work and don’t understand everything I am saying – by the way it is the energy and essence of me, of my consciousness that will resonate or not) to let you know that a new energetic domain or portal is truly here right now.

if we completely collapse the idea of time and space, we find infinite possibility; the best way to do this, of course, is to get into a timeless (meditative) state daily. we can bend time, change experiences, and do all kinds of things. I have to check with my numerologist and read my astrology reports to confirm, but I sense an unchartered domain for myself and for many I’ve worked with and stayed connected to. it’s simply pleasant. that is the main point of this post: pleasantries are upon us. especially if we have been TRYING…

I am a broken record talking about the physics of karma, all of the time. but I just can not stress enough, how the Universe opens for us when we honor ourselves and others. and I can not stress enough how the Universe thwarts and rejects us when we do not honor ourselves and others (do not get confused with a dark night of the soul as a result of honoring yourself! it can be easy to think you are doing something wrong, when you are indeed not). for example. there are now dozens of people who I’ve set up, nearly frame by frame, businesses and healing practices for. aside from serving as their inspiration, I walked and hand held many people through the process of even having enough courage to present themselves in the “healing” or ethereal domains. I’ve never attached myself to anyone’s business, because it’s never felt right. I like to do a lot of it quietly for many purposes, and I also do a lot of pro bono work. that said, I’ve been drawn or rather certain people have been drawn to me, in order to violate — with giant ego — divine gifts and heart. in a nutshell, some folks did some of the outrageous shit after taking what they could from me (also a now broken pattern in my life – YAY!) and starting their “spiritual” companies or practices. one person in particular (I’ve been like a child at times – I just didn’t see certain things coming because I could never imagine not honoring someone who helped me) with an apparently huge ego decided that if I wasn’t going to do xyz and help a random person as a “favor” to them, that I was completely written off. this person lied about how and why they entered the spiritual domain, their entire life path, and how their “company” came to be. it wouldn’t have bothered me, even all of the above, if this did not come on the heels of a manipulation. this person basically said “I’ll show you, Elaine” — and then the ticking time bomb began. I knew right away what this person had done to themselves, and it would only be a matter of time before their paid-for instagram following etc etc etc imploded — along with their entire life. if we build “authenticity” on a lie, it crumbles. it we willfully violate another person, WE crumble. there are so many silly rabbits out there! and sure enough, within just about a year and a half of said ego-maniac’s plight into the “spiritual” and other public domain, it’s a wrap. their entire life fell apart, only worse than before — and it won’t stop until they stop. we can not take things that are not ours, walk on people who have only been kind to us, and expect to walk freely. the Universe won’t allow it. when I see this happening, or someone directs something like this toward me, all I can do is pray for them. I actually feel badly FOR them, because I know what they have just done. unfortunately I have a handful of these experiences to count, but I know that God has used me as a tool in each case. whether people learn from it or not is up to them, but the fact remains: KARMA IS PHYSICS. PHYSICS IS TRUTH. I’m blue in the face now.

I couldn’t be more excited about the domain that I am in, and the one that many of my patients “made it through” to, and are making it through to. it is becoming less about extreme problems and difficulties (because we have been working on ourselves for so long), and more about…WHAT CAN WE CREATE? the creation stage is here.

if we worked together a long time ago and you read this, I hope you resonate. if you don’t, keep going. remember that the truth within our own self wins and creates a butterfly effect (eventually). I’ve waited a lifetime to feel the way that I do within myself now, and I wasn’t sure that I would ever feel this way. there are still plenty of things to work on, plenty of things that are “wrong”, but there has been a seismic shift and I couldn’t be happier to be in this fresh domain.

Healing Elaine® Bahamas retreat May 24 – 27

Healing Elaine® in Nassau, Bahamas – photo by Pia Oyarzun for Forbes Magazine

this is our next stop. this retreat is open to former patients only. it will run similarly to a 3-day workshop in terms of thematic subject coverage, but it will nonetheless be very different from those of mine that you may have attended in the past…

I will spend one-on-one time with each person in abbreviated session format. we will convene on the beach. in the yoga room. under the stars. we will share our growth and goals, and the re-birthing process that got us from A to B. exciting twist: we will wrap it up with a professional photoshoot for each person, with the intention of capturing the essence of the business that each person has/is building/WANTS TO BUILD. as many of you know, those I work with (this has been happening from day one) often leave their jobs, or bridge NEW passions aka “jobs” or endeavors with their current posts. I want to continue to help cultivate and inspire each person I work with to expand to the next space in queue for them and EXECUTE in 3d terms. so, if you have a new business idea you are thinking of, or you just can’t seem to “move” your passion/endeavor to the next level, or you do not know where to start with articulating your next passion but you know it’s there, this will open your mind. it does not matter what stage you’re at. that said, be prepared to step out in front of the camera! your next steps want to be met with the world sensing your energy through your physical essence…which is ALWAYS evolving and morphing. you are not the same person you were last year, last week, or even an hour ago. our focuses will cover many subjects, obviously including precursors (aka blocks) to the above. let’s make some new things happen, in a magical geographic space.

if you are interested and can make these dates, ring the HE line and leave a voicemail. I will accept up to 3-4 people for this to keep it focused, and harvest the right group.

rejection is protection, part Infinity

photo by Anita Saini

I’ve addressed this topic more times than I can recall; in my blog, in sessions, in countless conversations with all kinds of (amazing) people — rejection is protection, always, in every case. it just depends upon our ability to perceive the protection dynamic…

for starters, I understand first-hand what it means to be my own worst enemy and take things personally when it comes to being “rejected”. I might venture to say that, many times in the past, I created rejection scenarios to impose upon myself when they didn’t really exist to begin with. what created those scenarios was my interpretation of events. in order to understand my interpretation, read this blog from the beginning and you will find countless self-share examples that explain my experiences and subsequent wiring that had to be altered in order to live out who I AM. instead of who I am NOT…

I understand how the brain protects itself — by interpreting rejection as actual rejection when it is not such — in order to “keep the entire body and brain alive” by repeating patterns that at one point DID ensure survival. but what happens when we move closer to detaching from the once-necessary pessimism that literally kept us alive? well what happens is, we encounter “rejection” to the MAXIMUM…to kill off a dead-end belief or entire belief system. in this space, we are challenged with the ultimate rejections, and in many cases, a series of rejections. they feel real. they don’t feel like protection. they ARE protection. every time…

the very fact that we can not perceive the beauty of rejection as a metaphor for incredible and divine protection is evidence that our self-image needs to change. we ALL face (perceived) rejection. each and every one of us. it’s what tethers us to unhealthy patterns that we repeat in business, home, social, and beyond. if we dare look beneath the pattern, which many of us simply will never do, we find our deepest fear and ASSOCIATION with what we consider to be “rejection”. and when we get closer to unhinging – or rather our soul declares we must unhinge – a belief that is holding us hostage to a past situation, we attract “rejection” aka protection to the most ultimate extreme. it is in the sheer seeming ABSURDITY of said “rejection” that is our first and main indicator that perhaps…we are being protected.

as we get closer to ending a pattern, rejection will accumulate to such a degree that we are so humbled that there is just no more fighting it. we almost do not care about the feelings we once associated with the perceived rejection, because we are bowled over with the absurdity of such. have you ever been in a position in life in which the only available remaining response to your position was laughter? no matter how life-threatening, how dire, how horrendous — laughter was the only option because it felt like a big joke and there is no way that God could be that cruel? this is the turning point of recognizing rejection as actual protection. and it is in this space that we actually RISK changing our mind about what is happening. because, we are the common denominator…and, what if there is something “right” about us, that is at play here?

what is “right” about us will scare off the demons. literally. demons might present THROUGH others, and their actions, versus actually BE others. it’s important to recognize that someone’s behavior is not necessarily who they are, but that it is indeed either helping us or killing us with little room for negotiation between the two motives. and in that behavior, we may struggle to negotiate or understand their conscious intention versus their unconscious intention…creating illusion around the core point of our experience with another person or situation because INTELLECT is separate from the unconscious mind. what is “RIGHT” about us will seem to completely be honored by intangible forces in a particular situation yet COUNTERED by the logic of it. that means that, “this makes no sense!!!!! I can’t get my head around it!!!!”, but this also means that, “there is something so strong, too strong, too repetitive and loud about what is happening here, I must consider trusting it”…

what is “right” about us will exaggerate the experiences that we have with others that would be considered “rejection” experiences…to the point in which we actually turn the page and risk seeing the truth: that we are being protected.

I’ve had this conversation more in the past 9 months than ever before in my life. my personal life presented SO MANY experiences over the past fiscal year that appeared DAUNTING — I felt that I was absolutely being rejected by the entire Universe, as well as specific individuals who did not honor or respect me. some of these people I had looked up to as semi-guides, helpers, friends, — those I thought would be along for the ride with me for life with regard to my work and soul’s purpose. I was wrong — or rather, God did NOT want me to ride with certain people anymore. and it wasn’t just people. it was ALL KINDS of situations in life in general that had expired. doors were slamming and locking in my face. and as much as I know, and have been through on this front already many times over in the past, one can never be prepared for their entire life to change for the better…because all of the swampness comes up and OUT before it does. we see it leave. we watch and feel it leave. we grieve it. and we assign it unfortunate meaning, until we do not assign it that meaning.

in the past fiscal year I’ve faced more difficulty than ever before in my life, with “rejection” — aka PROTECTION. as I’ve had many rounds with this notion already, I did KNOW what was happening. however, at a pinnacle moment around the fall of last year, I briefly lost sight of the positive aspects of protection that were being sent my way by dismantling ALL KINDS OF THINGS AND RELATIONSHIPS. it had reached comedic proportions. the literal front door of my apartment building LOCKED ME IN one night — as in, the door lock broke, locked me in, and there was no out. although I was experiencing one of the most difficult periods of my life, I marveled at the symbolism gifted to my by the Universe: I was being PROTECTED. the Universe said “you may not walk through this door again”. and so, as life does, I experienced the ultimate forms of protection in all kinds of ways: bad behaviors from others, screw-overs, broken trust, disappointments, and shocking loss. and at the end of it? I emerged as a different person. because I had no choice left but to understand this, again, as PROTECTION. at the peak of my brokenness, I wrote this post on betrayal and it still resonates in my gut when I re-read it.

this morning I had two conversations with AMAZING WOMEN who are recently climbing out of “rejection” and now able to see it as PROTECTION. as I always say: NOT ALL ENERGY IS EQUAL. it doesn’t matter what something looks like: we know not what resides underneath that 3D surface. there are all kinds of amazing reasons for all kinds of terrible things. and in my conversations today I was reminded double-time as to why I went through some of the very most ridiculous shit of my life last fall and winter. it was fodder to help those also on the crux of that exact precipice. it was to ensure: not only am I better, lighter, happier as a result of my “rejections”, but I am GROUNDED as hell and literally not the same person I was 9 months ago. doors that did not serve me, in all forms, were closed FOR me. there comes a point in time in which we must CHOOSE how to view these disappointments versus think we can intellectualize why things happen…this is the human trap — figuring it all out instead of LIVING IT ALL OUT.

I find that the most INCREDIBLE people I know have gone through the most incredible “rejection” aka protection to land where they are (in great places that many people covet). the hazing associated with understanding how to interpret rejection as protection is legit. and it is reserved for the few who are able to shift their consciousness, move out of victim consciousness, and literally choose a new life. a lot happens before we can perceive rejection as protection — a lot happens on internal psycho-emotional levels. and you can read about that process in other posts of mine, scattered throughout this entire blog. but I wanted to share today, AGAIN, about the raw fact surrounding “rejection”: IT NEVER IS.

recently I’ve had a ton of type A people aggressively approach me because they see things that they think they “want” or can “take” (see my eBooklet 3 – what they really want is intangible, they just have not figured that out yet!) — and I already know the drill. I know that they are going to come at me hard and fast, pitch me a sales pitch to convince me that I should do xyz (so that they can benefit, only it’s presented as a mutual benefit), and then find out that they CAN’T actually get xyz thing…because you can’t absorb or steal someone else’s consciousness. and in each of these encounters, they run away when they can’t find the “benefit” for themselves…mostly because they are not sure what they are running toward in the first place. they see a shiny penny and they aren’t sure how that penny shines, but they want/think they can glean the secret formula. these types of people always see the outside of me/my work, and never the inside of me/my work. these are not patients of mine, these are real-world folks. all the ones who think strategically but NOT intuitively and believe that they can monetize me…except they have no understanding of what is being monetized — clearly, that is where *I* come in and how I get paid. it’s not a trinket I can sell to someone. and in all of the many situations I’ve experienced with others who thought they could cherry-pick off my tree for free and actually gain something, I’ve had the choice in each instance as to how to perceive what’s happened. as typically what happens when someone realizes they can’t get something for free, they depart. departure can feel like abandonment or rejection. it’s not. it’s protection from people who do not have best interests in mind because they don’t understand a certain energy. and my default is now set to the point, thanks to having gone through this in SO many categories of life, of absolutely bypassing any emotion or internalized personalization of what’s occurred. it’s never rejection anymore. I never feel bad about it. it’s always protection. and when we have something unique, something important, it’s “of course” that not every random Joe off the street can or should understand our commodity. in this sense, we are being protected from wasting time, energy, and so on. and I am grateful to be in a place where there feels absolutely nothing “personal” about this and is certainly not even close to rejection in my interpretation. I see it a mile away, watch it play out, and smile at how it has not a shred of “rejection” essence to touch within me. it just doesn’t exist in me anymore. this is a 180 from how my life began and how I continued it for years out of “survival” and outdated agreements with my mind-adrenaline.

allow people to disappoint you. screw you over. hurt you. offend you. steal from you. THEY ARE IN YOUR LIFE TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU ARE NOT, if only you can stop committing to what they symbolize for you. what they take away with them, is your old wounds. it takes a full magnet of darkness (that person or situation) to pull out the fragmented marbleized darkness hanging out within your psychological, emotional and physical astral/spheres. when the fragments that have been assigned to you by others who have nothing to do with your path are removed by others who also have nothing to do with your path, you can understand protection. this is where the ultimate freedom, and even unconditional love for all things, exists.

rejection is protection. always. you’re better than you think. probably an anomaly. a Unicorn. a treasure. in that sense why WOULD the world understand you right off the bat? you’re being asked to understand the WORLD. allow yourself to be assassinated in all kinds of ways in order to re-discover, or discover for the first time, who you actually are. protected.

Healing Elaine® mini-retreat for former patients 4.19, 4.20, 4.21

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

we will be about an hour outside of the city. this spot in particular is one of my most favorite locations in the Northeast.

the mini-retreat will run similarly to a workshop; 3pm-9pm Friday, 3pm-9pm Saturday, and 3pm-9pm Sunday. all lodging and all dinners will be included. each person will receive a private/individual healing built into the weekend. since we have worked together before, this is an opportunity (perhaps in lieu of a pop-up) to go deeper for a longer period of time, and connect with a couple of my other patients. this mini-retreat will host a couple or a few people. since this is a holiday weekend with some of my FAVORITE numerology (and one of my favorite holidays), AND a full moon on the 19th, we really have some super tailwinds assisting us here.

call 917-985-1221 and leave a voicemail if you are interested.

how to forgive whilst simultaneously not re-entering a toxic, dangerous or abusive dynamic

photo by Anita Saini

it sounds like a paradox to most: forgive in order to become free; versus forgive in order to re-enter (hence try to fix/alter/accept toxicity, danger or abuse — AGAIN…).

it can be an endless pattern for many people, and it is. a few months ago I was chatting with a friend of mine. he “gets” what I do for work, but he’s not close to surrender (as I will refer to it throughout this post). and it’s fine. I told him that. it’s not a judgement on him – we speak our opinions about one another freely without offense. he criticizes me and doesn’t always understand me. and he also asks for and heeds my advice, such as on the subject I’m writing about. by the way these types of relationships are crucial in our lives, because if we a) need everyone to agree with us or b) can’t risk being offended, then it is not a healthy relationship. the same can be said about friendships and relationships in reference to politics etc, and I’ve said it before: I have friends on all sides of every equation out there. all countries. all religions. all political forms and allegiances. and all opinions are valid in this life. I digress…

this friend of mine asked me a key question during our recent conversation: “how do I forgive my family, for all of their abuse, but not feel the need to go back in contact with them because I forgave them? I’m really struggling with this”. he thought that by forgiving, it would mean that he was making them “right” on some level, and that the abuse he had endured would be something that he would be required to re-enter. and so I began by telling him that forgiveness has nothing to do with logistics – it has to do with surrender…

I wrote a post a couple of years ago about going no contact with other human beings. in it, I walk through many of the steps I’ve experienced and seen others go through. and the most important point in it is the one with which I answered my friend’s question in the above paragraph: forgiveness IS the ability to move forward, to move on, without any need to make anyone right or wrong. by forgiving, we are letting go of the situation — the logistics of the situation are totally separate

first off, if we are leaving any relationship dynamic which has been abusive (and there are varying levels of abuse), we first need to feel safe enough to become angry about it. anger is the first step, or rather proof, that for the first time in our life we are feeling safe (with regard to a particular situation). it’s a powerful and positive step in the right direction toward reclaiming our sovereign nature. after anger, there should come, at some point, acceptance. this is akin to surrender, but not quite. acceptance is the “holy shit, I can’t change this” realization. although anger can keep us safe (and rightly so, in many severely abusive dynamics in which one should never return to), there then needs to be room for negotiation in order to forgive if we are to move beyond anger and toward freedom (I will note what a difficult process this is — in no way am I suggesting this can be solved overnight, and it typically takes YEARS).

I can see the different ratios of anger slash forgiveness on someone’s face. I’ve seen it on mine at different periods of my life. anger will age us. forgiveness will soften us and give us a healthy glow, no matter how many wrinkles we have or what our physical age or disposition is. we wear our progress, or lack thereof, on our faces and in our bodies. we are constantly unwittingly negotiating the ratio between anger and forgiveness, in order to feel both safe AND free. the eventual awareness of this ratio, and how it shifts from one day to the next, is important in terms of our growth…to note whether we are moving forward or staying stagnant, internally (hence externally!).

back to my friend and his question. his family, like a lot of families, has herd mentality. he was their scapegoat, and that’s common in abusive families. there is typically one person who is blamed and responsible for everything, while everyone else uses that person – either directly or indirectly – as a container for their abuse or surrender of their own important ugly truth. this friend of mine is incredibly intelligent, talented, and the list could go on — but it took him years, into his late 30s, to even connect to his anger to “begin” his life. after that, in his early 40s, was he even ready to fully act on that anger. after he took action — his was specific in nature and I won’t write about it here in order to contain the energy of his situation — he was ready to approach forgiveness. but, how? “how?”, he asked me. he wanted to know how to stay separate (safe) from his abusers, but also forgive them…

this is how. after we have gone through ALL of the internal motions — and this, my friends, can take YEARS (and it is worth it) — such as overcoming substantial ptsd (for me, I would see the face of one of my frequent [“loved ones”] physical attackers every time I walked down the street in Manhattan, or outside of the window of my house, and my entire body would panic – this happened for years and ONLY after I connected to my anger!) — and we can reach a place (one in which I write about throughout my blog in many different steps with nuances in each) in which we literally understand that another person’s behavior has nothing to do with us, we can forgive. if we are still in ptsd mode, and driven by anger (which is positive initially, as it identifies the truth of our relationship to danger, and helps us maintain a healthy distance so that our psyche is protected), it will be hard to reach a point in which we feel safe enough to forgive. so that is step one…

step one: by connecting to and after connecting to anger, we then must feel safe enough to want to forgive, so that our mind can see — from ALL angles — that the abuse was not personal. it was not personal. it had nothing to do with us. we were just there.

step two: once we recognize that the abuse was not personal, we can have empathy for the person who hurt us. having empathy does not mean that the person has changed, will change, or can change!! do not confuse empathy with your own control issue (for example, if you can’t afford therapy or find the right therapist, Alanon or a similar 12-step program is very helpful in understanding control issues that arise from being abused — we have to work through the damage that has been caused to our mental algorithm). separate empathy from needing or wanting, on ANY level, for that person or persons to change. if it is a family dynamic, there will be an entire tribe of people (often unwittingly and unconsciously) playing along with the abuser or abusers, because it is their “role” – just like your role was to be abused.

step three: after you connect to healthy anger, and then reach a place of empathy which is ENTIRELY disconnected from needing the reality to be different, and ENTIRELY not confused with making the abuser/s “safe” suddenly (your mind will do this because you will still unconsciously want them to change! – and if you do not play that pattern out with them, you will do it with someone else!), you can reach forgiveness. forgiveness is love in your heart for the disconnect that each person who hurt or abused you resides in. it doesn’t matter why they are disconnected (there are so many reasons why), when it comes to forgiveness, in terms of being able to feel forgiveness. forgiveness is a perspective and state of love, and it does not seek to fix or alter reality. forgiveness is simply 360 degree recognition without interfering with “what is”. forgiveness does not long for change. forgiveness is…surrender.

step four: after forgiveness (also akin to surrender, just like anger and empathy are) is reached, we are able to properly assess the logical safety or lack thereof regarding re-entering a relationship — in any form / dynamic — with an abusive person. let me be clear by saying that steps one through three MUST be completely flushed out before step four is even on the radar. if you miss a step, you will be brought right back to the drawing board. step four is a rational, logical, and mature decision which is often aided by the advice of objective clinicians, otherwise trained professionals, or people who have ALREADY WALKED IN YOUR SHOES. this decision can only come from a clear, healthy (and it takes years to become healthy if you have been in an abusive dynamic – so get ready to do the work and surrender to time and ego) and balanced mind. it is step four in which we awaken each day and ask ourselves: would reaching out to person A B or C (or Z) be for my highest good? how would it affect my life now? those of us who have suffered abuse, ranging from mild to moderate to unthinkable, are natural empaths – we WANT other people to feel good. this is a chicken and egg equation, only exacerbated by abuse. so it is important to be fully at step four as we ask ourselves each day, “what is in my highest good today?”. on my personal journey, after going through all of the above steps (which are all simply born from my own experience — I’m sure other people have valuable advice or opinions but these are what work for me, and for many people I have worked with), I often asked for backup support in my daily decision-making because I had tremendous guilt over choosing my own health and sanity. and each time I asked for support, I was reminded of what my deepest core already knew: “keep walking”. step four is a combination of forgiveness and pure surrender to “what is”, based on the above motions and below notions…

after step four, we are able to stay open to positive or even unexpected outcomes, but disconnected from needing them to happen. we are aware of “reality” — and the “reality” is, most people do not change unless they have to. and it’s OK. after step four, we do not confuse walking away from an unhealthy situation with not being able to forgive — it is actually the opposite. we walk away, finally, from an abusive or unhealthy situation because we have LEARNED to forgive. and we finally find love in our hearts for ourselves, some of us for the first time ever. we no longer spend time in chat rooms with angry people who are conflicted over their abusers (there is nothing wrong with that when we are working out anger and understanding), we no longer talk about the horrible wrongs of our past abusers and how they affect us to this day (there is nothing wrong with that while we are debating our own sanity), and we no longer feel hate in our heart toward them — the hate that once served a purpose in order to keep us safe. we now realize that we can forgive, and it is the forgiveness that completely sets us free — because it is in the forgiveness that we have become healthy. we no longer wear the rose-colored glasses, hoping to wake up and have someone be different. we surrender to the fact that we were, in a sense, all alone, the entire time. and so were/are they. we are able to face facts and truths without putting ourselves in dangerous situations with people from the past, or with people in the future who are simply unresolved fragments of the past because we did not fully walk steps one through four. we are able to feel both love, and neutrality.

forgiveness is not an outcome; it is a surrender. the logistics of the situation — particularly the relationship or relationships dynamics — take care of themselves after forgiveness is attained from within. forgiveness does not “mean”, anything. it does not mean that we are strong enough or safe enough to now re-enter something or a dynamic with someone who will never change and can still damage or re-damage us (think of abusive people like alcohol and you are the alcoholic) in a way that is harder to come back from than the last time. forgiveness is a state of being, and everything else around that “just is”. forgiveness requires us to do nothing at all. forgiveness is indeed possible and in fact optimal, when we have come from an abusive dynamic. but it doesn’t have to mean anything in the logistical or physical world.

to sum up the answer that I gave to my friend referenced in this post, and to summarize much of the title of this post, I say this: forget the dogma – forget the societal norms – forget the opinions of others who are still suffering at the vibration of your shared problem…find forgiveness, and something bigger than and beyond you will direct the rest. forgiving whilst separating from toxicity, danger and/or abuse is often not only a symbiotic relationship, but actually the most loving one…regardless of whether or not that is a socially or politically popular notion.

suicidal people often do not appear “suicidal”

photo by Anita Saini

typically when we think of the word suicidal, we think of depression. we think of self-harm. and I will say that suicide is very misunderstood, because I have seen and understood “suicidal” from a wider vantage point than many might attempt to / explain it.

just as mysterious as we might discover love, fate/destiny, otherwise uncontrollable and medically inexplicable feelings within an otherwise very psychologically stable person, and unexplainable events or occurrences, we might also find alongside those things – suicide.

there are different archetypes of the notion “suicidal” from a medical and clinical perspective; they can be googled, read about and researched elsewhere. plenty of research and studies have been conducted along the lines of what we already know. I am here to discuss the archetype that has not been written about before, or at least not in this way: the spiritual…with a bridge to the medical. it is my hope to potentially provide greater understanding about human connection — the one we have to our self, within the soul (5d)/body (3d)context — and how that relates to what we call suicidal.

the first point that I would like to address is the “appearance” of a suicidal person. how often do we hear loved ones say things like “I don’t get it, they showed absolutely no indication that anything was wrong — they were the happiest person I knew”; or “they had everything! and I was supposed to meet them for lunch the next day, I did not see this coming”; or “this just doesn’t make ANY sense…I am dumbfounded”… we often hear comments of shock from loved ones and close friends of someone who committed suicide, because suicide is not always about depression. and this is where modern psychology and modern medicine get confused/befuddled…endlessly seeking to “diagnose” and find the clinical/logical/linear reason “why”…

to start, let’s look alternatively at the definition of suicidal, and the connotations that we give to that word/reality. from the perspective of this post, a suicidal person does not have to be sad. a suicidal person does not have to be depressed. a suicidal person does not have to be sick or suffering a great loss or stress. if they had to be those things, and those were obvious factors in a suicide, there would be less “shock” and “disbelief” amongst their close friends and loved ones who “didn’t see it coming”, per the above paragraph. and sometimes it is that simple: it makes no sense…until perhaps, we look beyond the sensical.

next, let’s look at what drives our human life force: intangible energy. just like electricity, we do not know how it works, it just works. or it doesn’t. we receive life force energy from INFINITE sources throughout our life. what we often fail to recognize is that the timelines of those sources can contain elements of STUCK soul fragments…literally locked in time, in a box, with a particular person, persons or event/s. one/s that we can’t see. one/s that certainly a suicidal person can not see, that their therapist might not see, and that their loved ones or friends can not see. because we tend to think in a linear fashion, we are not looking at the soul in a cohesive and holistic fashion: because we do not know how. we are not made in a nonlinear psychological fashion, we are made in a linear and quantitative psychological fashion. we are constructs of time and space, because of our brain and conscious mind. what our mind is available to be conscious for is the simplest and most surface level – therefore logical and explainable – information. and that’s about it. this is the first place we lose touch with the holograph of an entire individual and their life experiences spanning time and space that we mostly have no ability to connect to in the first place. therefore, life force energy comes from time and space that we can not even relate to. how do we maintain that life force, if there are fragments stuck in it, that make no logical sense in order to suss out?

when our soul fragments, it is disconnected from the rational/logical/quantitative mind. it is certainly nothing that the average person around us will notice. in fact, most people are fragmented and unconscious on a daily basis. it’s just a matter of what kind of fragmentation exists within them, how strong the pull is, and what the meaning or point of that fragmentation is. within this fragmentation is energy. we leak energy via fragmentation, and again, there are all types of varying degrees of fragmentation. for example, some fragmentation calls for us to be perpetual victims (standard psych stuff that is easy to spot a mile away); i.e. someone who is “always sick” or actually enjoys “mystery illness” for attention. or, someone with a definable mental illness who can easily be diagnosed and hopefully treated by a trained clinician. or, someone who has a personality disorder and uses that to manipulate and skate through life without ever having to feel properly, because they have decided to remove that responsibility from their consciousness (these folks, the ones with personality rarely commit suicide – rather they threaten it, to draw life force from those around them). some fragmentation results in chronic depression, or a life that feels like a blur or a cloud that can never be broken through. some fragmentation occurs at birth (again — erase the idea of time and space for this one), and results in addiction (please see my eBooklet 6 on addiction). and then there is what I call the gray area of fragmentation…the one that can’t be sized up or quickly analyzed as to the “how” and “why”…because it does not fit linear time (or our constructs of time). it is within this gray area of soul fragmentation that we will often find, if we are able to look and see, a holistic notion of suicide.

the gray area is different from all of the others because, in the other areas of fragmentation (or the identifiable/measurable areas of fragmentation such as deciphered or could be easily deciphered in clinical therapy) there is readily attainable reasoning (even if only from the perspective of the psychotherapist). and when and where there is reasoning, there is the potential for the fragmentation of that soul to “hear” the communication of whomever is making contact with it (friend, therapist, loved one, even a stranger via a unique encounter) and therefore return to the body. the gray area, the space in which the soul fragments without identification (because we are trained to see things in a certain/linear/clinical fashion), is the space of suicide that “makes no sense”. this is the timeless space of the soul that has been cut off from the wifi provided by the 3d body. the soul fragmentations that exist in the gray space have no wifi code, effectively. and they have no wifi code, because they are being held hostage by another unidentifiable energy altogether (this may be a person, experience — which always involves a person, either directly or indirectly — , or thing). please note that “things” contain energy, for better or for worse, and they have been impacted always by a person/experience.

as we move further and further into pretty shocking technology, it becomes a bit easier to imagine energy in terms of moving parts and dimensions versus just what one can see/feel/touch. if my computer can transmit this blog post and you can read it within seconds of me touching a button, how are you to say that the energy in your body — soul energy — can not be connected to by another person/force? when we think of ourselves in terms of technology (trading, giving and receiving energy of all sorts), as I have been writing about and relating to for over a decade, it becomes easier to consider the illusion of time and space and how our entire soul, mind and body could be impacted differently that we ever imagined was possible. using this metaphor of technology, think about the gray area again as referenced above. what if there is a special code for this gray area to help reconnect the soul to the body, for those who are not (sad/depressed/outwardly “suicidal”/self-harming) classic “suicidals”?

so let me first talk about what I see suicidal being, energetically. suicidal, in my minds eye (and for me, it appears almost as an actual tangible vision), looks like a complete obstruction of the soul entering the body. something is forcing the soul out of the body. with common or decipherable trauma, this can be resolved given the above examples that lay BEYOND the gray area. when in the gray area, the leak that is occurring is unique…even the most trained clinician could miss it. but the gray area fragmentation that resonates with the vibration of suicide looks like an actual leak, covered in a veil. the veil is dangerous on the human level, because it is what causes the “surprise”, aka “I never saw this coming” resonance from the souls around that person. a leak is something of a mystery that wouldn’t fall into a box, so there is typically no treatment for it in our linear world – simply because we can’t “see it”. a leak, in regular human tangible physical terms, looks like a normal person going about their business. a leak looks like a person who has it fully together, or for the most part has it together. they have not sold off their belongings. they are not in bed for days or weeks or months. they are not “sad”. they are not complaining. perhaps because they don’t even know there is a leak in the first place. the leak hides, like the plague. the leak continues to…leak. but to the typical trained eye, there is “nothing wrong”. and this leak is where we “never saw it coming”; the leak is the actual fragmentation of the soul away from the body, moving further and further away, all the while not “appearing suicidal”.

in reference to the above, I thought a lot about DJ Avicii after he committed suicide, after I had watched his documentary on Netflix. he was not depressed. at least not intrinsically. I don’t believe he was an addict, either. definitely not intrinsically. I believe he was a genius whose talent became entangled in the physical human realm and entangled with other human ego and lack of consciousness or understanding about HOW ENERGY WORKS (my entire blog, basically). I felt such a passion for him while watching the docu, because I got it — his field was leaking BIGTIME. because we do not even consider let alone understand “energy fields” (and no, most “practitioners” do not “see” or understand it either – it’s not something one can just study, it’s something that either evolves through a person to “see” or it doesn’t at all), he was not provided with the support his very POROUS (as I see it) energy field so desperately needed. let me explain that there is a difference between a POROUS energy field, and a NON-POROUS energy field in a person…

once upon a time, I saw someone for a session and I immediately made a reference to a very famous musician. the reason that I did this, was to point out the difference between what I refer to as a porous field versus a non-porous field (I have certain words and analogies that I use for these things in a session, just not here — I don’t want my personal references plagiarized and taken completely out of context, because that’s what happens when “energy” and “healing” is “trending”). and the reason that I pointed this out, was to help this person understand how their field was being impacted. not so surprisingly, they were working alongside the very famous musician I referenced. in my reference in that particular situation, I pointed out that there is no “better” or “worse” in terms of being porous or not porous, but that different energy fields need different things — or the soul can actually LEAK from the body. causing…severe disruption and disconnection. and it can happen as fast as electricity. certain jobs or employers or clients or patients can actually kills us…or fuel us. now back to Avicii…

Avicii had a very porous field and that field was ultimately destroyed by the focus of millions of people. he did not know or have the resources to protect his physical field – particularly his solar plexus, and even if he had, being physically present at events that were unwittingly designed to pull from his solar plexus (his power center, his blessing/curse, and the ultimate demise of his health and later mind). the hard part about this to digest, is that there was no ill will. seemingly everyone around him, including his many fans, loved him. during part of his docu, he spoke about Carl Jung…few people seemed to care or could relate to him, and I beleive that was a huge turning point for him and his energy field. his soul, the part that was fragmenting due to certain needs of his physical and otherwise field, was crying for anchoring and assistance. but we are once again nascent in that realm. we have moved so far away from what the ancients knew, and the people who like to call themselves “shamans” and “mystics” today often have ZERO idea what they are even talking about. they have taken critical and sacred subjects and made them “cool” for the sake of it, and you bet it bothers me on a core level. because what we need right now are level-headed people, with strong clinical backgrounds, pairing with people who can TRULY see and help transcend logic in a logical way. I digress…

every show that Avicii had was an opportunity for the very important part of his soul — his actual life force — to interact with too many other life forces at one moment. there was a clash between his ethereal and his physical. and he didn’t know what was happening. he just knew something was wrong, every time he went to perform. and he was right. he did not self medicate with alcohol because he was depressed, despite what clinicians may suggest. he self medicated with alcohol, and spoke of his intense “anxiety” prior to every show, because there was something extremely palpable happening to his actual soul in relation to his actual body (and he wanted to escape his conscious suffering of such for that specific period of time). each and every time. his greatest gift was to create from behind the scenes — this is where he received, generated, and distributed his life force to the masses. and the moment he opened his porous energy field in a tangible and physical fashion to be connected to by thousands or more people, that receiving and generation became depleted. each and every time, a bit more so.

the solar plexus, the very chakra in which Aviici leaked his actual soul essence, became over-worked. I won’t bother with the politics around “should he or should not have he” performed or “whose fault it was”, because it was no one’s fault really. he, and those around him, and most people in general did not and will not even understand what I am writing about here. so in terms of blame, there can be none. let me make that clear.

we all take in our life force energy a bit differently, and it relates to our soul’s purpose on this planet. some musicians or performers take a lot of energy in via their crown chakra, and depending upon their ability to channel and balance and understand it, they will either have a life of perfect health or a life in which cognitive or otherwise crown chakra difficulties persist — due to the life force that enters us and how it is specific to us (on both the human and intangible planes). when I was speaking to the person I referred to as being in a session with and using the example of the famous musician they were working with at the time, I did so because I was referencing the fact that that particular musician has a very non-porous energy field. at the very most, I could notice a heart chakra that will have trouble later, but it is not a result of being impacted by energy while performing (it would be more about lack of self love and the ability to be vulnerable and receive real love, which is a totally different track / of totally different relevance to this piece). the person who was working alongside this musician, however, is very porous. and so they each needed very different things, and they go about channeling their energy very differently. understanding the latter is life-altering. humans, regardless of our occupation, channel energy and life force very differently. and depending upon how we do it and how we understand our life force (just like some of us have peanut allergies and others of us do not), will relate to our overall health — and either fragmented or cohesive life force. when this life force is fragmented, and we can not figure out how/why, we may become…”suicidal”.

back to both Aviici and my initial points in the post. Aviici had an internal knowing that being physically present (as he was unwittingly porous and losing tremendous life force, which ultimately ended his life) was killing him. if you pay close attention to the docu, you will see an incredible man, a technical and scientific genius who translated those gifts into music, begging to stay in the lane that he felt God intended for him. he didn’t understand his energy field, and ultimately it leaked to the point in which his actual soul disconnected itself from his body. this did not create a classic “depression”, and it was not born from a classic “depression”, either; the way in which he received his actual life force became an open door that never shut…and when our life force leaves our body nearly completely, we leave our body.

how does the above example tie to my larger point? it ties into my bridge between medical and spiritual, which states that suicide or the notion of what is “suicidal” does not have to be a cognitive issue. it means that we are made up of more than the eye can see — in fact, we are made up of ALL that the eye can not see. and that is unique unto each of our physical selves walking this planet at this time. when we have repeated examples of “I never saw this coming” regarding someone who has committed suicide, I will say that it was likely not a cognitive issue — rather, it was an issue of fragmentation in the gray area I describe earlier. this is the space that needs the most focus, the space that modern medicine and ancient and intangible wisdom needs to sit with and meet about, to roll out new hypotheses that may help people. this…is my life’s work in motion, and it has been that way for years. it just takes quite some time to even attempt to mainstream ANY of this. considering the fact that I had actual FRIENDS who did not and would not admit that they saw me for “reiki” back in the day because they were “professional” and didn’t want the embarrassment of being judged — and now ironically (or not) they themselves are “reiki practitioners” simply because it’s socially “acceptable” now, — will tell you everything you need to know about the sheople syndrome we suffer from and how far things need to bleed (PROPERLY) into mainstream for us to recognize that the unseen is not only “real”, but that the unseen domains are not simply reserved for unhinged snake oil salespeople and frauds. it will take some time to roll out what needs to be heard, and in a respected fashion. and I will keep working toward that, no matter the struggles (which I will not even bother listing here, but they have been plentiful).

so what could possibly be said for you or one of your loved ones who has or decides to commit suicide, yet who fall/s into the gray territory? well, for starters, consider that most problems are energetic, first. nothing enters the consciousness, or connects to the soul or the body without coming first from SOMEWHERE. just as we see with classic addiction-turned-suicide, often born from trauma or in some cases extreme abuse, there is a reference point to point back to. in the gray area space of fragmentation, just because we can’t see its origin, doesn’t mean that there is not an origin. my point is, consider for either yourself or a loved one on the subject of suicide that your body and soul CAN in fact be bridged (assisted). the thing is also, and of course this is from my perspective but I’ve “seen” it many times, an actual suicide is an extremely short-term solution because that soul will simply reincarnate and repeat this life all over again. who really wants to do that? I don’t need anyone to explain to me the temptation of leaving the body and making pain stop — I understand it, and I would imagine that many of you can either relate or attempt toward relating to that idea. but if you consider the alternative, it is much more logical to contemplate the “now” and look at the potentials for rebuilding that either a) disconnection from the human body, resulting in a suicide which can be pointed to clinically or b) leaked soul energy from the body which everyone has a hard time pointing to, even clinically…so that the soul and the body may properly merge until its combined path, or the path of the actual soul within the body, can complete its assignment.

the title of this post “suicidal people often do not appear “suicidal” ” is such to a) explain the process and reasoning of the soul leaving, being disconnected from, or leaking from the body so that you may consider the energetics of suicide that are rarely if ever discussed, b) bring solace and understanding by way of a), if indeed you can open your mind to resonance with such, and c) open folks to looking at things like depression, dis-ease, or seemingly random suicide with more of a stance of offense versus defense…

the part that will continue to confuse and trip many of us up is the sudden and “unexplained” suicides, and that was the crux of this post. this is when suicidal people just do not appear suicidal, but their energy field sure does. where there is a crack, there is a leak. we are driven around, physically, by something other than our brain and nervous system. we are fueled by life force energy. life force energy is everywhere, and when we are not cohesive we risk all kinds of things: ranging from illness to actual physical death. just because there is a leak, hence what I refer to as a gray area soul fragmentation, doesn’t mean that someone will appear to have anything wrong with them on the surface in terms of sadness or “suicidal” telltale signs. their actual life force is often on a timer — and when the sand runs out, their “decision” can come like an absolute light switch: sudden, unexpected, and seemingly inexplicable. I see this as almost entirely separate from the cognitive mind, this gray space fragmentation in which suicide sometimes results. although it indeed requires a cognitive decision, like that of Aviici, I would like to point out that the method of suicide often coincides with communicating the spore of the LEAK IN THE FIRST PLACE.

for example. Aviici’s wrists were cut. what does this mean? it means that he was literally bleeding out life force. the symbolic nature of his death, despite his health problems which were CAUSED by his energy field imbalance in relationship to his soul’s desire for his physical body and how that life force was best suited to manifest for him, explains HOW his life force was leaving his body. every show he did, he felt like he was bleeding out energy…because he was…and it made him unbearably anxious. you may look to other examples, such as Kate Spade. typically when we have a suicide by hanging, it is an indication that there is something that can not be said/spoken — and the very repression of that fact or truth was so intense that the energy of such had actually already LEAKED from the physical field (in the exact location that ultimately restricted the life force from the body) or the life force field. this particular example may, or may not, be gray area fragmentation in nature. my point is simply that the nature of the suicide will describe the way in which the life force energy was already leaving the body leading up to the actual cognitive decision (sometimes, cognitively at least, a split decision to leave the body). when the nature of the suicide is gray, and that person never “seemed suicidal”, it means that the spore of such action was not decipherable or easily decipherable by clinical or medical explanation. I do not know enough facts about what happened to Kate, such as whether she was with a clinician or not leading up to her tragic suicide, and I’m not writing to pontificate. what I do know, is that whatever disconnect or leak was in effect leading up to her physical death, did have a remedy. it always does.

suicide is never anyone’s fault. it is not a reflection of family or friends or loved ones. it is not a punishment, even if the nature of the suicide expresses anger. some “suicides”, as we know, are certainly anything but — but this post is not about corruption or the nefarious coverups using suicide as a veil. this post is about actual suicide. just know that there are cases in which a seeming suicide was anything but…

it is so important for each and every one of us to examine ourselves holistically. what I write here may or may not resonate, but if you have made it this far into this lengthy post, it probably does resonate. and in that case, start to look at yourself in a new light. psychotherapy for the heck of it is always a great place to start, even if (and often especially if) you don’t think you need it. as I’ve illustrated here, the life force beyond the body and mind often has a function all unto itself. this is not to suggest in any way that we are not in control of ourselves. it is, however, to suggest that there is a LOT that we can not see or possibly understand. someone with a keen eye, into both the cognitive mind and even the ethereal field (an excellent clinician / doctor will actually have some of both, believe it or not – it’s just still not “acceptable” to talk about the ethereal in scientific or classic psychological networks, hence why so many clinicians have themselves seen me), can help spot either a disconnection in the energy field, particularly the soul’s life force entering the body (which is a CRITICAL bridge), or even a leak with gray area fragmentation (although they may not fully make the connection if there are not “facts” to support it – however spotting it at all can be a huge breakthrough). it is in spoken word that disconnection and fragmentation, using the absence of time and space (they are bent in a quality therapy session or healing session), can be brought more and more into the light. when something is brought into the light, the obstruction itself begins to crumble…whether or not that actual obstruction even makes logical sense.

it is possible to by joyous and commit suicide. it is possible to “have it all” and commit suicide. suicide is not what we are aiming for, however, it is the opposite of what we are aiming for. if you are in a state in which you feel joyous yet leaky, or joyous yet blocked, take that seriously. it may not be your cognitive mind that is leaking energy, and the bridge of connection that you need to access or the crack in your ship that needs to be filled can be accessed. if we need those things and we do not access them, because we feel there is no help (and maybe there is no obvious help available), they slowly chip away at us. things that can assist us while we consider our options, who to trust and open to, or how to go about xyz, are the following:

  1. confronting our fears. for example, Aviici seemed to have a fear of saying “NO, I’m done here”, because it appeared that so many people’s livelihood was riding on his back. ultimately, all of the life force that resided within him leaked to a point of no return, so that even when he stopped what he intuitively knew was hurting him, he could not re-access the very God given gifts that fueled his physical existence. Aviici’s experience, in my opinion, is a gray area fragmentation example as I explain above. as another example of confronting fear, it may be to “risk losing our reputation” by simply speaking or sharing our truth (consider, as a random example, Edward Snowden – had he not done what he felt compelled to do, whether you consider it “right” or “wrong”, he likely would have suffered serious health consequences and then-some). when we are cut off from speaking our truth, it is the very chakra in which our life force leaves. this is less of a gray area fragmentation, and perhaps more of a clinical example, but it can certainly manifest in terms of a gray area fragmentation if there is no memory, remembrance or connection to what is wrong with that chakra and the life force that has slowly left it over time.
  2. meditation and breath work. at first, if we are contending with feelings of disconnect and the like, meditation and break work might feel like a living hell. we might continue in this state for months, even years, before we feel like we can have a breakthrough. just remember that if we “end it” now, it’s only a conscious short-term out…and who wants to repeat this life? not me. might as well stick it out and follow the plan of our higher self and just…see what is possible.
  3. get away from your “device” (phone/computer) for a time. God knows what’s even in these devices? for all we know, they are black holes. we don’t know how our essence or life force connects to these things. I’m not saying they are bad – I am saying that we don’t know what we don’t know. and considering the amount of energy that is exchanged via one “little” device, it could be safe to say…disconnect as much as possible and see how you feel. this is one of the reasons I do not follow people on social media, have a personal facebook account anymore, or engage online really…it feels extremely draining and toxic to me. I do my best with it, as it’s often a double-edged sword and of course it’s a great way to reconnect with people or stay connected with people who cross your mind.

I hope this helps to re-frame the way that many of us think about our life force, personal energy, overall being, depression, and suicide. there are so many things that we can not see or feel or hear, but they are…there. an open mind is not a cure-all, but it can indeed present alternatives to otherwise unhelpful and sometimes even seemingly imminent actions. if we are experiencing xyz in the here and now, and we are infinite beings, we will likely also, no matter how we try to control it, experience xyz in the there and then…being infinite an all.

RIP to the sweet, gentle, kind, generous, talented and beautiful souls of Avicii (Tim Bergling), Kate Spade, and many others like them who were in so much pain during their physical time with us.

people and experiences who/that (positively) helped shape my life

photo by Anita Saini, courtesy of Wall Street, for one of my new ventures The Energy Mavericks (TEM®)

we all have that one person, and/or that one subsequent benchmark experience (that is, if we can recognize them/it) that helped shape us and our life for the better.

although a therapist once told me (and I still believe her) that I suffer from “pathological gratitude”, lately I have been reflecting on the people and experiences who and that, nonetheless, helped shape my life. maybe some of it is pathological gratitude, but even if so, I am still consciously grateful for who and that which helped remind me of who I’ve always been and where I am capable of going.

I’ll start at the earliest point in my life. there was a couple who lived across the street from me starting from when I was about 9 months old. Charlie and Sue. they did not have children, just dogs. the person I was most connected to, or who was most connected to me, was Charlie. my earliest memories include Charlie. as early as I could walk, I recall being with Charlie. as I sat on his lap and talked about his dogs (his dogs were a huge part of his life), he gazed at me with love in his eyes. this love had no attachment. this love had no need. this love had no expectation. it was perhaps my first recollection of unconditional love. I can recall, even now, what I felt: seen, special, connected, and loved. I moved away when I was just 4, so my time with Charlie was brief and intermittent. apparently when he died a few years ago (I only recently discovered that fact), I was in photos of a slideshow that was presented at his remembrance ceremony. it was only recently that I made a huge connection to the meaning of Charlie in my life: he provided me with a protective energy that would last a lifetime. how do I know this? because when I look at his photo today, I STILL FEEL THAT FEELING. the feeling that I had as a toddler. why is this important to share?

recently a close friend of mine went through a breakup. his partner has a young daughter who he was introduced to when she was very little. he was with his partner for over half a decade, no doubt leaving a very strong impression on the life of this little girl. as he spoke to me about the angst he felt in his heart for being apart from the little girl, and concern for her well-being and remembrance of him on her part in the future, I was reminded of my own experience with Charlie. what we often forget is how powerful and impressionable the mind and heart of a young child are; they never, ever forget. they forget things that are indeed dangerous…but they always remember the love. the positive. and all it takes is one positive to outweigh thousands of negatives in the form of people and experiences. no, it does not erase trauma or difficulty…but it will, at a certain point, prevail over negativity. our experiences with people are imprinted upon our soul, and for better or for worse, we recall them and bring them into our consciousness (either during our life span or on our death bed — either way it is inescapable! it’s just a matter of timing) one day. pain leaves us…love stays. ultimately.

the next memory of someone who shaped my life is one that came about in a very indirect fashion, and it’s sort of sad/raw. but I have to tell it. if you have been reading my blog for a time, you will have already gotten the gist of my life, even if sometimes cryptically described — that said, this next memory won’t sound too off-color. I was a prepubescent child. it was Christmas eve. those who were to care for and love me went to a neighbor’s house in the evening. while there, the very essence and truth of my being was thrown under the bus by those who were there to care for and love me. upon hearing such alarming and negative words come from such a seemingly unlikely source, the owner of the house, the neighbor, became enraged. instead of just playing politics for the sake of saving face and having to see his neighbors every day, this man (a real man, I would later understand) stood up and began screaming in defense of me. he called me one of the sweetest, kindest children he had ever met – and then he kicked out the people who were supposed to love and care for me. on Christmas eve. his rage and (rightful) upset over what he witnessed, a crime against a small child, was so intense that he woke his own children with his roaring anger and words (who were close in age to me). years later, I would hear this story told by this man’s own children. it didn’t start to hit me until I was in proper therapy, that someone had actually tried to defend me in my life. it was nobody close to me (otherwise my life would have been very different), but someone did indeed defend me. I just wasn’t there to witness it. but hearing about it proved to be a God-send, only many years later. what that man did for me mattered. it still matters. and a current piece of me in present day can connect to that timeline and feel gratitude. and protection.

during my second internship in college, I was paired with a software development company. my skill-sets and focus weren’t necessarily the best match for this company, but the founder, Phil, resonated with my passion for modern languages and travel. during the interview, he asked me what led to my interest in foreign culture, and I let him know that my first boyfriend was from another country. that seemed to be the clincher! – he could relate, as he himself wanted and had decided to marry a non-American! he impressed upon me the fact that intrinsic resonance was more important than technical skills or a resume, and he gave me a very important opportunity. aside from training or retraining my mind to think analytically (I was an analyst slash data entry person for his company), I learned interpersonal skills I had never learned before. he taught me about the acronym/word ASS-U-ME. I learned that almost everything I had learned up until that point was…not very helpful if I was going to make it in the world and be successful with any employer. he questioned not just my office skills, but my interpersonal skills. I cried in my car after work a few times, and sometimes even in the bathroom at work. I always knew he was a great person, so I didn’t blame him – I realized that he was showing me a new way of living and communicating, since my methods at that time would not serve me in the future. it was hard for me to change. but he gave me a chance. he saw me. and I realized that he could have chosen “better” in terms of the technical skills that would have been optimal for his company, but he worked with me both as an employee and as a human being. he brought heart and business into one setting for me. and it changed the way I looked at the world, and myself (can’t have one without the other, right?).

the next person who helped me to “see” myself, was my first true “boss” out of college. I took a sales job. an on-the-road sales job. door-to-door. C-Suite talk only. meaning, we were not allowed to discuss, on any level, a sale with anyone who was not a C-Suite. imagine that! we were not allowed to email prospects. it was all face-to-face, or via phone, or nothing at all. and they had to be top decision makers…or nothing at all. now to be clear, I was TERRIFIED of public speaking, and I was TERRIFIED of walking into (sometimes nearly breaking and entering!) an office building and demanding at the reception desk to see the CEO or CFO. I basically took my absolute worst nightmare job…because I knew I needed to grow. so this first boss is named Sean. we are still in contact to this day. at any rate, Sean hired me. and he trained me. I watched this 25 year old man blaze into offices in his suit (we were required to wear suits), casually and firmly demand to speak with the CEO, and act like it was normal. at first, I would stand there with embarrassment — I couldn’t believe anyone could be so brazen! but he did it with careful confidence. he did not let fear get in the way. I had a long way to go before I felt I could get there. but within a few months, I was there. it started with me entering offices and running out, due to fear. and it ended with me confidently asking to meet with the CEO on the spot (the company’s model was a 15 second pitch-to-close — or nothing was happening!). I became one of the company’s top sales people at that time, because I believed in the service, but also because Sean believed in me. he didn’t mind that I was socially awkward, or that I was hypervigilant or would probably shake at first or that my voice was in my throat most of the time. he let me burn some leads because I was not perfect or successful yet. and his belief in me, and his kindness toward me, changed me. it simply showed me that I didn’t have to not believe in myself or keep my head down.

the next person who shaped my life for the better happened to be an astrologer. her name was/is Veronica. I have no idea whether or not she is still alive. she came from London and lived in CT. I was 26 and I went to see her for a life consult. as we sat together for 3 hours, she shared some very raw and tough-to-hear truths about my life, my past, and my future. since I had become so accustomed to criticism throughout my life, I was able to sit there and hear whatever she needed to say (this is one of the perks of not being coddled and told “you’re the greatest”). the most important thing that she shared with me in her candid read on me and my life, was my destiny. I knew it, always, in my heart. yet, I was so scared of who that person was, because I was trained to be the opposite of that person. clearly, Veronica could see this, and it pissed her off a great deal. it’s funny, because now in my line of work, I see and feel the same way when young women come to me: rage and compassion surrounding things that have been taken from them – and it is my mission to return to them their intrinsic gifts. at any rate, Veronica sat and told me what was so clearly in my chart, and when she said it I sobbed a big loud sob. she didn’t waiver. she told me that I was crying because it was true. I said yes. and there it was. I had permission, for the first time in my life, to become what I already was — underneath a sea of opposition. and after that reading, that is exactly what I did: I went and became what I had always been, and was always meant to be. I am still expanding my wings to this day, and I won’t stop until I am dead. and probably not after that, either, FYI.

the “final” person and experience who/that shaped my life seems, even while writing this, almost innocuous due to the brevity of such…but the impact of it supersedes duration. and because it stands out so acutely, it is certainly a big part of who I am today. when I was starting Healing Elaine® – and I was just called it “Elaine” at the time – I was interviewing for part-time work within the sphere of what I do. I hadn’t fully come out of the spiritual closet at that time, and I didn’t have enough money for rent based on my work. so I spent my entire days and often nights looking for tie-in work with which I could earn, while handing out my “Elaine” business cards during the day. I found a top psychiatrist who was looking for a bilingual admin slash receptionist, and it seemed perfect! I had started as a psych major in college, and I minored in modern languages. I didn’t get the job, but I walked out with more than a job. when I went to the interview, he let me know that part of the process was to take an aptitude test that he had designed himself. I took the test, and I recall thinking DURING it that I could be doing better on it. he kept looking at me with curiosity, it felt. at the end of the test, he looked at me and said: “most people do not do that well on that test”. I was like, OK, and…and then he said it again, firmly, looking me directly in the eyes. it hit me, many months later, that what he was trying to tell me was that I was good enough. that I was worthy. and that I was better than I knew. perhaps that parts of me were above average. he could see that I could not see myself the way I was, the way that God had designed for me to see myself. and to this day, his words and focus upon me resonate and reverberate and heal me. that half-hour interview is still in my DNA. and I am grateful for it.

I wanted to write about this today, because I have recently been hearing about and seeing examples of lives that were positively touched in the simplest of ways…ways in which we often underestimate, regardless of our dynamic in a particular relationship. sometimes “just doing our job” as a boss or mentor — even if we teach someone a difficult lesson — can be savored many, many years later. and appreciated. and it can be life-changing. actions have power…we may not be able to stop child abuse, but we can certainly confront abusers by telling them “NO!” – whether that child is present or not. that energy goes a long way. as does love. just being in the presence (no matter how short of a time it may be, and no matter personal or professional in capacity) of someone who loves us because they are connected to themselves in some way, can heal even the deepest of wounds.

scheduling now for the next Healing Elaine® pop-up; + Mercury retrograde, the upcoming supermoon, AND the Spring Equinox

photo by Anita Saini

I am currently and quickly scheduling for the next pop-up offering – please read my entire About section, and Services section which describes prior pop-ups and protocol. leave a voicemail on the business line 646-470-1178 regarding the pop-up.

so you may or may not follow astrology – we are currently in a Mercury retrograde. this means different things for different signs, but there is an overall vibe as well as common denominators for the entire collective (typically electronic failures, travel disruptions, and general miscommunications). this particular retrograde has been positive for me, so I am thankful. typically we hear of people cringing with anticipation right before and during a Mercury retrograde, as we also each go over past lessons or are re-presented with old lessons that we get the opportunity to master.

with the energy of Pisces so strongly in the air, my personal intuition has been more heightened than usual. the good news about this is the fact that I am receiving a lot of closure/answers to question marks that remained in my conscious and subconscious mind. I’ve been waking up with strong realizations about my personal life, and random past (recent past, actually) experiences. it has been a beautiful time, in this regard, as of late. we all question ourselves at times, especially when our intuition is REALLY on point — because intuition often defies logic…causing us to truly question our knowing. thanks to whatever is happening astrologically at the moment, I am getting more clarity than ever on past question marks. it feels like a very healing time for me.

I hope everyone is well, and I am looking forward to connecting with old & new folks later this month around a blazing supermoon which lands right on the March Spring Equinox!

one of the best days of my life was when I realized that someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

photo by Anita Saini

a few years ago, I re-entered therapy for a couple of years. I had never had a steady therapist before. I hopped around throughout my 20s, and could never quite find the right person. either they lived out of state, or I was moving, etc. I was certainly “on the go” in my 20s. when I “landed” more permanently again in NYC, I had some unfortunate luck with therapists. one was a really perverse man who insisted I was unhappy because I was not yet married and pregnant (um, no.). one who I had hoped would be my guiding light was murdered in her office. one after that was an unhinged shut-in. I finally found a super top-level man therapist after that, but he didn’t accept insurance and I could not afford him. I guarantee he was worth every dollar though, and in just ONE meeting, I think I got all that I needed from him for about a year’s time. yes, some folks are indeed that good. so fast forward, and I met my “person” who I would stick with for a time. upon our first meeting, and within the first few minutes of meeting me, I will never forget what she said to me. knowing seemingly nothing about me. but she must have known. because she said point blank, and with a strong, almost glaring look in her eyes: “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. I thought, ok, thanks, but what exactly are you talking about? I didn’t know what to say to her. and then she said it again. looking back, of course it makes sense. but at the time, it (as I’m sure it was designed to do) caught me off guard.

what she saw in me was something that I see and feel, before, during and after meeting someone: I see their grid, so to speak. their life’s web of experiences. I feel it in my body and spirit before we meet. I see it on their face in person. I feel it ebb and flow after we work together and I work with it to help them regain their intrinsic algorithm. so what did this mean for me, her comment? I guess you could say that her comment, so poignantly directed at me, summed up my entire reason for being there in the first place, from start to finish. I had lived an entire life of blame, and blaming myself for the world around me: particularly the actions of others. apparently it was written all over my face for an exceptional therapist to read.

now, I would like to state that prior to “re-entering” therapy, I was feeling great. I had managed, despite a ton of adversity, to pull myself together to the best of my ability with no proper help or support. I had a thriving business. except there was one thing wrong…I was still in a dating pattern that I had no idea I was truly in, or how to stop it. when I decided to re-enter therapy, this seemed to be the only valid “reason” I could conceive of to get help.

about a year before I saw the woman psychoanalyst I reference above, I had come to a major conclusion in my life regarding dating. and, it happened to line up exactly with what she had said to me in our first meeting, only I did not put 2+2 together at that exact time. the conclusion that I came to in my life regarding dating, specifically in 2015, was the following: “it’s not about you. it’s not your fault. this person’s behavior has nothing to do with you”. this was the most important conclusion that I could ever come to on my own. and yet I needed time to understand many more moving parts to this particular conclusion…

I have always been a person to choose the underdog in life, to root for the underdog. obviously one could say that I was choosing myself in a veiled way, for all of the times and experiences of which I was the underdog. but it’s more than that. with dating in particular, it proved to be a very detrimental pattern for me.

when I first moved to NYC, I saw a psychic. she was the first psychic I had ever seen before. I didn’t know if I believed in the hype, despite the fact that I had been living as a closeted intuitive my entire life. this woman changed my entire perspective on intuition and spirit. when we sat down, she took one look at me and said: “you are doing a LOT of settling in life”. then she went on to give me other absolutely fantastic details about my life and what I would achieve. I cried because she saw me. and then she gave me one piece of advice. she said “do not get into a romantic relationship this year…and if you follow my advice, you will land xyz goal by the end of the year”. of course, I got involved in a relationship. and it set my goals back by at least 2-3 years, as a result. because I became an absolute shell of myself during this relationship. once I left, my entire life happened. and I vowed “never again” to get involved with someone like that. and I didn’t — I didn’t enter a long, committed relationship with someone “like that”…but I did date that same person again and again in others, it’s just that their human particulars looked different. I kept myself safe by not deep diving, and by also seeing the signs of the pattern, and moving in the other direction once they were apparent. this was indeed progress. that “never ever again” moment was truly powerful. and yet while I was able to be sure I did not immerse myself in a deep, committed relationship with someone “like that”, I still attracted them and was attracted to them…

it would be 2015 when my massive lightbulb moment came. it was the year in which I broke my entire pattern for good. it was the year in which I heard, loud and clear: “another person’s behavior has nothing to do with you”. it was glorious. and painful, on all levels. it rooted out so much about my past, and the experiences that led me to this pattern of attraction. and something inside of me knew that I would never attract it again, or be confused by it. this epiphany was a doozy. I took time off of work to process it. I walked around NYC like a total zombie for weeks, because something inside of me (something I did not need) died. it needed to die. but, I had never lived without “it” before. “it”, was someone else’s pain. baggage. illness. and it felt like I was dying, too.

my pattern, as you may guess, was caretaker. since I never, EVER knew that I was allowed to have needs in my life, I had no idea I was a caretaker. I also had no idea that the way that I was treated would plant me with a tracking device that called for extremely unhealed people to seek me. of course, the “good ones”, the people who would have been healthy for me, I “wasn’t attracted to”. of course I wasn’t. that is because conditioning is chemical, not superficial. it didn’t matter how attractive, successful, or kind someone was: if they weren’t broken, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t know, entirely, that this was what was happening. I turned down a lot of quality partners. the kind we all say we want.

as I went about my life, figuring myself and the above patterns out, I met someone who was that final “never ever again” moment. the first “never ever again” moment was surrounding not getting into a full-fledged relationship with one of these people. this next and last “never ever again” moment was surrounding not attracting one of these people again. and I must say, though it took some time, this was a HUGE development in my life. in my work, I see patterns repeated for a lifetime. it is rare that we can fully break them, on all fronts. and yet I was determined to do this, even if it meant being alone or “older” when I settled down to create a family of my own. my final “never ever again” moment hit me like a ton of bricks…

I suppose that I had this idea, subconsciously and unconsciously, that if xyz person looked different on the outside — personality-wise, occupation-wise, background/education-wise and so-on — from past darkness I had suffered, that I was indeed evading that darkness. what I learned in 2015 is that a pattern doesn’t need to be blamed or hated for it to still be a PATTERN that we do not need. let me explain…

my formative experiences were met with aggression on all levels. physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. I was also indebted to the needs of others, at all times. I was hypervigilant to the core, always anticipating the next sound or behavior. I didn’t stand a chance to consider my own being. because, frankly, I didn’t exist. my would-be “protector” cried on my shoulder as I was a very young child, alternating between needing me as a therapist and using me as a physical, verbal and emotional punching bag. I was used in triangular situations as a therapist, and scapegoat. I had no one to tell me “this is not normal”. it was more than not normal, it was highly dysfunctional and ill. as I’ve written about in many other posts, our ego develops around and insists upon repeating what we see early in life. I don’t recall one healthy example of any sort of interaction, ever. so not only was my ego developed around a pattern of human interaction that insisted upon needing my entire being, but it survived on it like air and water.

consciously, I “knew better”. in fact, for a time, I got a taste of what better was. somehow, perhaps by the grace of God, my first boyfriend seemed to be a fine example of someone who considered my needs and treated me with complete respect. at least that is how I recall it. it was genuine, committed, and long-term. I was certainly tended to, encouraged, and protected — such as when I would wake up in the middle of the night with raging nightmares about my past. after him, I learned about the very thing I was hoping to escape: the pattern that lived deep within me. I couldn’t escape it. until I could…fast-forward to 2015…

the person I met in 2015 was seemingly everything opposite to what I feared (aggression, abuse, manipulation and so on). I felt this person was extremely “safe”. and so I went for it. a number of months in, and I was blindsided. I had been blindsided before, but this was different. it was different because on the surface, I had changed the pattern… but deep beneath the surface, lived illness. and this time, for the very first time in my life, I had concrete “proof” or “evidence” that it was “not my fault”

something that I never had prior, was evidence that someone else’s behavior was not my fault. on nearly all levels, I routinely felt everything was my fault all of the time. you might not have known it from the outside, just by looking at me, because you have to remember that I survived so long — survivors look strong on the outside. but this 2015 incident changed the whole game for me. I got “proof”…

the proof was simple, and it looked like this — and this is what excitedly prompted me to re-enter therapy, properly this time — this situation came with a severe mental illness on the part of the person I was enthralled with. although I was convinced that their outer world success, kind, kind heart (I have always run toward that — in the opposite direction of what I felt as a young child) and upbringing would make this one “different”, it didn’t. they had a serious mental/cognitive diagnosis handed to them, and I realized looking back that this wasn’t the first time. it was just the first time that someone had been struck so loudly by a diagnosis, and been so honest with me. and so the absolute lightbulb moment came for me when I realized that it wasn’t my fault, mostly BECAUSE they were so different from any experience I had had on the surface. I was not blamed or covertly shamed or manipulated in this relationship, as I had been in a number of relationships prior…and so this revelation hit me differently. it hit me for the first time that someone’s mental well-being or lack thereof had absolutely nothing to do with me — that they would be ill or well, absolutely despite me. and it was because of this person’s kindness — their lack of narcissism, and their purity — that I was able to see this. someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me. some people, no matter who they may be and how we may be connected to them or what we are trained to think about them, are unwell. my eyes opened beyond belief, and this experience sent me on an additional path of self-care.

the revelation took place because for the first time, I was able to isolate psychosis from the way someone was treating me. it was like taking the skeleton out of a person or mammal, and seeing that that skeleton could live in anyone despite their human suit. the revelation allowed me to understand that no matter who my “never ever again” people were around, their intrinsic nature would not change. because I had been blessed with someone who had this same skeleton as nearly everyone I had met in the past, but their human suit healed my heart. the contrast between their unfortunate and uncontrollable diagnosis and their loving heart and spirit was incredible. and it just made me realize that I could be loved, loving, wonderful, beautiful, and all of these things, and still not be responsible for their skeleton. this person made me feel all of those powerful things. and they brought me the greatest gift that would serve my future partnerships: clarity on the oldest wound in my heart and being.

typically, with someone’s “skeleton” (let’s use that as a metaphor for their cognitive predisposition, whatever it may be), comes subsequent personality hallmarks or characteristics. in my experience, those who gravitated toward me and vice versa were usually suffering in some way and needed me to care for them emotionally. they also tended to be rather narcissistic, and had little interest in improving themselves spiritually or otherwise — so they used, and I unwittingly allowed them to use, my entire life force. but this 2015 lightbulb was different. this person showed no signs of needing me in that way, and they appeared to be everything that I was looking for — they appeared, initially, to be the broken (finally!) pattern. and in a sense, they were. but not completely. I realized, in moments of the evidence that was brought to me after a very traumatic experience, that I could finally let go of attracting broken people because now I understood WHY I had done this. and it wasn’t just my conscious mind, because that mind is sort of useless in a situation like this…I understood, to the deepest part of my core, that I was healing a very toxic and primal conditioned wound. this moment was everything. and it still took time to fully examine.

along with this revelation that someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me, because there was absolutely no drama or patterning with this revelation (it was simply the absolute BREAKING of an entire pattern), came revelations about my past. this was fodder for re-entering therapy. it was fodder to examine or re-examine MY ENTIRE LIFE. it was as if the lens I was looking through cracked completely, and I was able to see what the deepest part of me believed about myself that was completely false. I looked at my patients in a new light, and I looked at every single person I had ever met in my entire life, in a different light. I also realized, for the first time, that nearly every person I had ever dated had a diagnosis that I either wrote off, or overlooked as it related to me and my role in their life. my second serious relationship ended in my early 20s when my partner, whom I had known for 13 years, had a severe mental break and was diagnosed with a serious condition. I looked back on every partner I had, and saw what they all had in common that I could not see prior. everything began to make sense. none of them were different, but now I was different.

the most important part of this was yes, I finally knew I had a chance at the partnership of my dreams, and also the fact that I could observe nearly anyone in the outside world as living in their own dream. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote an incredible book called The Four Agreements. I read it back in 2007 and I have a signed copy from when I met him and had dinner with his son in 2008. I cried when I met Mr. Ruiz. it was the most important book I had ever read, and yet I didn’t even grasp the gravity of it until about a decade later. it’s still the most important book in my life, and it’s really hard to apply and master the truth in it. that is what makes it so good. in this book, it talks about how we should not take anything personally. well, 2015 showed me this. I was and am able to observe otherwise hurtful actions of others, and see them in their own bubble. sure, I serve as a mirror for many people who only see either their own brilliance or their own self-hatred in my reflection, but it doesn’t matter anymore. because I now understand that the world goes on whether or not I cut my arm off to try and help someone.

sometimes in life, we receive a gift that is so painful, and so beautiful, that it ends part of our suffering. 2015 liberated me from a role I had played for so long: whipping-post. someone else’s idea of who I was/am. I was liberated enough to understand that when I was a tiny human, that those people in that house would have been the same whether I was there or not. I just happened to be there. had I not, someone else would have been their container for everything that they could not handle or did not like about themselves.

when my last therapist said to me, on that first day, “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”, it was like a final piece of evidence I needed to understand that the way others behave has nothing to do with me. I like to think that my 2015 experience created such a skism in my being and understanding of who I am, that it was able to crack a false reality. a reality which said “you are responsible. you are to blame. you do not have joy unless everyone else in the world has joy”. and it cracked it enough for me to make that next step, into someone’s office, who could show me how palpable that truth had been in my life. and she gave me additional permission, beyond the steps I had already taken to extract myself from someone else’s false reality about who I was/am, to live MY life.

the way that others behave has absolutely nothing to do with us. if we remove ourselves from their reality, they will find someone else to play out their reality with. it doesn’t mater. in this way, we are both irrelevant and free. I like being irrelevant and free. we only become relevant when there is a balanced exchange — even much like my 2015 experience, as awful as it felt — when both parties prosper.

if you have been subject to blame, care-taking, or pathological guilt, consider this: everyone in your life may be a reflection of something so old, so rotten, and so untrue, that your vision is clouded because you believe that you have something to do with the way other people feel. I get it that this may sound like a “no-brainer” to the conscious and cognitive mind, but you would NOT BELIEVE how many “successful” and “together” people I have worked with who have struggled exactly with what I write about here. in fact, they are successful and together BECAUSE they have struggled with what I write about here. they are just a few experiences away from rubber-banding into a truly thrilling reality, in which they understand, on every level: someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me. xx/xx/2015. the best day of my life.

a vulnerable post. plus general HE updates.

photo by Anita Saini

I will start with talking about something that I talk about in every single session, workshop, or otherwise Healing Elaine® exchange. one of my vulnerabilities.

to preface this. one of the reasons that I did not continue to pursue my psychology degree (which was my major at Northeastern University) at University was that I did not feel it would allow me to be as vulnerable as I wanted to be with people. the reason that I wanted to be vulnerable with people, and continue to be, is because I find it gives them “permission” to do the same and then change. as a true quantitative slash artist hybrid, I walk the line between both human designs. the artist in me wanted and wants to express my core more strongly than the quantitative helper in me, in order to help others. this is why I landed outside of my major and “role” in life: psychologist. psychotherapist. psychiatrist.

as said hybrid, the artist in me breaks down the walls and barriers that would not be suited for a traditional therapeutic environment. and so hence we also have this blog. I will say that yes, despite my vulnerabilities which can make me feel very trapped at times, I do feel extremely free. and it is simply because I am not owned. not on paper, and not in any other way. this is something I would not trade for the world. freedom. it is why I have not accepted investment offers for my business as of yet. it is why I have not done many things. and yet I work hard to be aware when I am working from fear versus the conscious choice to not be a sell-out. the value of freedom is so important to me, because I never had it when I was young. my entire being did not belong to me. I digress.

back to freedom. being free allows me to express my vulnerabilities in a very raw and unveiled fashion, and the one that I wanted to share today (again, you can likely find variations of my sharing of it in other posts) is my fear of success. no, I don’t have a fear of failure. I have a fear of success, that would be quickly followed by a fear of failure tied only to that very success. this, I understand, is a widespread or common problem for people. and we all have different stories and experiences that back it up; stories that are both individual and collective in nature. mine comes on the heels of the simple fact that every success I ever had was followed by a catastrophic and terrifying event. as well as absolute radio silence about my achievements unless it suited/benefited someone else. and so I would like to share my experiences, feelings and process around my particular vulnerability revolving around success that I follow to manage this “dis-ability”.

let’s go back in time. when I was fresh out of college, after one of many rough patches courtesy of completely external factors, I was offered a “dream job”. I had pink business cards and they had my name on it. my role was to run around and collect money from big entities like real estate developers and fashion brands and place them in a magazine. yes, it was ad sales. I was using a foreign language to conduct all meetings, I was living in what felt like paradise with beaches and palm trees, and all of my interests seemed to collide in that one period of time for me on that one pink business card. although I had suffered unthinkable trauma that year between family and a very close friend, and a convicted felon landlord who spied on me constantly, I was ready to take on the world! or so I thought. I must admit, there was something about those Barbie pink business cards that really made my heart race. the color, to me, meant that I was about to finally “make it” in life! the way that I got this so-called dream job goes like this. leading up to the job, everything horrible that could have happened to me in a 6-month period of time did, and at the end of it I was out of a job. instead of applying online, I went out to the hottest nightclubs and events wearing my resume on my shirt. this landed me this job. I drafted a business plan for the magazine along with my intentions, and the job was mine within a few weeks. the only problem was, it felt too good to be true. and, it wasn’t too good to be true. I was just used to never getting what I wanted. and so the very thought that something could work out, in my favor, AND be all of the things that I wanted on paper, was…well, it sent my heart racing. I couldn’t sleep for about a week. now for those of you who don’t resonate with my past or the trauma that came before this example I am sharing, I will say this: imagine the absolute unknown, and that it is terrifying because it negates everything that you have ever known. imagine that an example of this might appear totally normal/benign in your eyes regarding the experience of someone else, but that it is very real indeed: the threat of something good happening and what comes with that. remember the time that Oprah gave the homeless man a whole bunch of money, bought him an apartment, counseled him, helped him get a job, and so on? and how a year later he was back on the streets because it was most comfortable? yes. this is how trauma works. it takes years to push through. this is why we can not have shame over our vulnerabilities. they each look different, and for each one of us. and for me, those pink business cards were a real trauma. I was a young woman, attractive, I finally had an exciting job with decent pay, I got to dress like Shakira circa 2002 for my job yet still be treated as a professional, and my business cards…pink. to me, this job represented all of the things I had ever wanted in life — basically my sovereignity– and I got to use my minor in modern languages on a daily basis. I was a rock star! and I couldn’t sleep. because for the first time in my life, I had something that I wanted…that no one else had wanted for me, or had claimed for me…

during this period of time, like Murphy’s law would constantly present in my life, a biological “care taker” came down to steal the show. there was a major incident followed by a medical emergency which landed both of us in the hospital within days of one another, and my life went back to “normal” again. depressive. chaotic. broken. dramatic. scary. completely without support. the way that it impacted this dream job was sort of like a slow burn. I clearly wasn’t able to be present, and my worst fear had occurred again, just like it had earlier that year — my success was not about me. it would never be about me. it would be about someone else, who would either take it or ruin it for me. each time I got on my feet, I was knocked over with pure force. I should have known better. but I was still a kid. a kid, living as far away from chaos as possible, but chaos would always find me – at any cost.

the reason I talk about the pink business cards is that the color pink really meant something to me. it was my favorite color as a little girl. it seemed to be this most fantastic and “dreams can come true” color, which, for whatever odd reason, meant a lot to me. it reminded me of Barbie or something, and the philosophy that “you can be anything”. since I did not receive those messages in a healthy way, I found this permission through my art, creativity, and playtime as a child and young adult. when this trauma of having and losing my dream job (which was really just a basic, not terrible life, by most people’s standards I imagine) happened, that color seemed to bleed all over the place, and the beautiful pink business card with my name on it is something that serves as a symbol for not only that time in my life, but for important imaginative times in my life. it would be a long time before I could find the metaphor for a pink business card again…it would not be until I started Healing Elaine®, in fact. Healing Elaine®, something that, finally, no one could ever take away from me. HE is my pink business card now.

fast forward. you can imagine the years of processes I went through, before the above story, and after it. our vulnerabilities are always a work in progress. and today, another shred of this vulnerability of mine, the sheer fear of success, was revealed. now this may sound like a life sentence to some, who may think “man that really sucks, you actually have to wake up every day and put all of your effort into one foot in front of the other for something so stupid that takes me no effort to do? I’m sorry, that’s awful”…but you know what, if it’s not one thing, it is another for us. we are all challenged in different ways. it’s called relativity. and believe me, this is just one of many of mine. and I share it to give you permission, if it, or something like it, resonates with you.

today I woke to a phone call from someone lovely who I worked with many years ago. the way that I stay in touch with people from the past who I have worked with is via remote sessions (they can be booked by calling the business line by the way — they are 2.5 hours total), occasional workshops, and when I hire folks I’ve worked with for various things. I love to build from the inside out in this way. anyhow, during the phone call, and it could have been a message for this person as well, I was alerted to the ways in which I still make myself so small. the ways in which I still settle, despite what the world may perceive about me from the outside. I do this still, because, unconsciously, I fear imminent physiological death and destruction. every few months and years I make MAJOR strides. and then I plateau. and then the cycle ensues again. and I do not mind it. and each time I reach new contrast, or a new mountain peak, I am reminded (again) that every one of our vulnerabilities is a process. there is never a destination. now, more on my vulnerability of fear of success…

one of the ways in which I have both consciously and unconsciously chosen to deal with this fear is by challenging myself with a fearful action on a daily or weekly basis. this may be as simple as answering a phone call that scares me (or that I have an assumption or intuition about one way or another), or sitting down to complete a task that seems “tedious”, like a business plan, that could actually take me further and make my dreams come true. I have to sit and think about whether I am using my intuition, or my fear, at all times. and that’s fine. I welcome it. one of the unconscious ways that I have “chosen” to deal with this fear is the fact that I am 100% certain God will not let me not be extremely expansive with my being. this is evident in the undeniable, and daily adrenaline rush of purpose that I feel in my veins. it’s something I can not get out of. if you have this, you will know what I am talking about! if you do not have this, it doesn’t matter — there is always an unconscious way in which you are being challenged or will challenge yourself when you are sick of being “stuck”.

the biggest and most SUBconscious piece of my fear of vulnerability, sits on the heels of being afraid that no one will like me if I am successful. how ironic, right? living in the age of complete media whores who will do anything to be seen, noticed, given attention. but this particular fear goes way, way back. and when we notice a fear like this, particularly around success, we have to take that string and pull it all the way back to the beginning. I sit and write my fears: the real ones, and the ones that PROBABLY won’t happen. and even if they did, so what? for me, I still struggle with this idea that if I am successful, I will die – because I will be killed. perhaps not physically. but through so many halting (and criminal, on so many levels) experiences around what should have been joy and pleasure of personal success, my mind body and spirit were trained to HALT. don’t move. don’t breathe, even. do not breathe! I still hold my breath…a lot. the idea that I will die if I am “too successful”, is very visceral in my body. and I work on it every single day.

in order to “survive” the “threat of being successful from the outside world”, I have made myself small in many ways. when my phone would ring off the hook, particularly when HE was first peaking about 5 years ago, I was careful not to return “too many calls” at once…because that would mean that I would “make too much money”…and “someone would find out”…I’m serious, these were real fears. nearly conscious. but not totally conscious, or I would have confronted them. instead, I was given a series of shitty circumstances to confront them.

my modern day / today fears still center around being “too much”, “too successful”, “making too much money” “having more than just my very breath”…and I see how my unconscious mind will work to accommodate what lies just beneath the surface for me. right under the conscious mind is that bridge between the trauma that we can not remember in entirety (and probably thank God for that – our brain serves to protect us until we no longer need to be protected), and the daily shit that annoys us about ourselves. consciously, no, I am not afraid of success! and clearly, I am consciously NOT afraid of vulnerability. because here we are. but in that territory of the unchartered…the basement without a light…the creatures still crawl up with their pink business cards and meet my conscious mind. and it is in between the two realms of psychological thought that I constantly negotiate.

to me, being successful, consciously, means that I can give others permission to do the same. and I do do exactly that. it’s what I get paid for. I also get paid for the unique processes that I use to get people beyond their hurdles. to me, being successful, also means imminent death. this is on the deepest and most unconscious levels possible. yet of course, I am conscious that it is there. and when my unconscious mind alerts my conscious mind to “danger”, that I might be incredibly successful, my subconscious mind comes up with all kinds of stop signs for me. the stop signs look real. they look like pink business cards, sometimes. and while it is painful to know that someone with so much on the ball (me), with so much potential, could still be stopping themselves to make themselves small so that they are “safe”, I find a real beauty in this tragic reality. the beauty is that I will transcend it. and the beauty is that I have no issue with sharing myself in a way that makes other people who struggle exactly with the same, either in specificity or theme, feel safe enough to recall, acknowledge, and address their vulnerability.

with all of this said, consciously I’m on fire with regard to what I want. but I continue the labyrinth of the hidden mind, reminding me that horrible things will happen if I am a great success. and the funniest part about all of it is, there is nothing I can do to stop the Universe’s destiny for me; my biggest fear and weakness, born from experiences only, has become and continues to become my biggest intention and strength. this is how we transcend evil. because what I dealt with was evil on all levels. having things taken from me that no one had any business taking and claiming as their own. and all the while, the paradox of the entire process itself, is a true beauty. this is the labyrinth of life!

some related updates here pertain to past and prospective work with patients…the person I spoke with today was concerned that I was over-booked and would have no time for them for a remote session. I do have time right now, for past patients only (no one gets a remote session unless they have had a traditional or pop up session, first). most of the remote sessions that folks booked at the tail end of last year have been used. so I am booking them again this week. I am also offering a couple of pop-up house calls for former patients only, which include a house clearing. this is something I have done recently on a fairly 911 basis, and it has been beautiful. as I get more organized with my time, it is allowing me to make space for some of these remotes and pop-ups — just during certain times only, because I am in a flux with other projects that can take a strong direction quickly, and there may be long periods of time during which I get suddenly and subsequently blocked off/out and will not be able to offer a remote or anything else. as for pop-up sessions for those I have never seen, stay tuned for the announcements for such. I am not sure if/when I will make another pop-up offering. you must also read both of the pre requisite books in my About section prior to inquiring. these are my general updates for my offerings beyond my TEM and PE focuses/launches (which I am very excited about!).

I hope this post was helpful on a variety of levels.