photo by Pia Oyarzun for Forbes Magazine
while much of what I write about IS in fact heavy, or could be considered to be heavy by some, I avoid sensationalized topics/events/politics for a whole variety of reasons. that said, when I feel pulled from my core (not my mind) to write on something that comes close to what may serve as to some peace of mind for others, I write it. for example, I have a post about Hollywood that I wrote pre-HW (I don’t even like to write out their names) explosion, and right now that post is private. I am working on monetizing certain posts, because I give away SO much in my blog and certain posts should simply be monetized.
this morning, after meditating and gaging the so-called energy of the day, I opened my twitter account (I really avoid the news, in general, for the very good reason that I do not want it setting the tone for my day and a lot of it is pure garbage anyhow). the first thing I noticed was the interview and energy of one young woman named Jennifer. and for starters before I go into that, while I find particular movements to be valuable, I am also acutely aware of the fact that there are many people who take advantage of them. by lying. for MANY different reasons, too. blanket statements and movements are difficult in this way, and I prefer to look at EVERYTHING and everyone in life on a case by case basis. a person is different than a concept or an idea. they are an individual, made like no one else on this planet. it is important to see every person, and every situation, as totally unique. so when I saw Jennifer speaking to a news correspondent about her ordeal with JE (again, not interested in giving the vibration of this person’s name a platform here, but if you do watch the news and even if you do not, you can google it), I could almost feel the entire sequence of events that she went through. I don’t always feel that way, because there have been too many other people who LIE. on national television. to the world. because they are shameless and politically-driven. sometimes bought and paid for. obviously. anyway…
in watching and hearing Jennifer talk, and understanding the culmination of the events she became part of and how she walked away and when and why, I felt the absolute raging truth around her. and I felt her innocence loudly. perhaps there are others I haven’t seen or heard who resonate the same way, but for whatever reason, she reminded me of someone and something today that I thought I should share.
I will preface this by saying that I am definitely not a victim consciousness person. I have been through a lot in my life, as a so-called “victim”, but I don’t identify with that word or feel like one. I make it my mission to look at the facts, deal with them, and move forward, instead of building a whole identity and personality around them because I have nothing else to offer. a lot of people enjoy the traumas of their past, for whatever reason. they just do. look around. and so I preface what I am about to share with those sentiments, and the fact that no, I do NOT believe every victim. and because it’s not my schtick to write about certain things just because a movement is in place or trending. and yes, I do also feel that we have become a culture that has made victimhood cool. it’s not. that is another subject and one I’m not even interested in explaining. I also do not believe in blaming or blanketing genders. that said, as someone who is very pragmatic about injustice versus overly emotional or irrational about it, I am going to share a couple of excerpts from my life and experience that do shed light on things that happen frequently and are currently (and thank God, finally, justice) all over the news.
I will start with some small details from my own background. and before I do, I will say this: whatever we are exposed to from age day one forward, sets the tone for what is “normal” to us. if we are exposed to highly inappropriate things but it’s the norm in our home or environment, we never know they are inappropriate (or illegal, or whatever). when we step out into the world we (consciously or unconsciously) seek those things, and those things seek us. it’s just amazing. every week in therapy I uncover brand new fuckery that I thought was completely normal. the look on my therapist’s face and the look on my former therapist’s face is/was one of appall. surprise, even. that says a lot to me considering these are some of NYC’s finest therapists. the word “evil” has been shared with me, while I have sat in confusion about why that word would be used until I later processed it all.
relative to the news that I saw today, I thought about a whole host of things that came up for me in therapy these last few years. while I do share about the “normal” physical abuse I suffered chronically, I have never touched upon anything sexual. perhaps that says it all. but also, despite sharing a ton and being as open as I am, some things I will never share. I understand that I am allowing many people into part of my life, and I feel not only completely strong enough and equipped to do it, but I also get that some things will be reserved for only me to dissect. that said, small details from my own background…privacy was nonexistent. sexuality was in my face. from the youngest age until nearly a teenager, I was observed in the bathtub, changing, and it was even requested at one point that my genitals be observed (as a young teenager). I often heard my “caretakers” having loud sex, dozens of times, and it would wake me up in the middle of the night because all of the doors to each room would be open. one time on vacation I woke up to them in the next bed as me, having sex. when I was 15, all of my phone calls were recorded because I was talking on the phone with boys. I was lied to and told that it was for another reason. basically, the person recording the calls got caught by another individual in the home and it became one of many world war 3s. I was surveilled like nobody’s business. I can not even IMAGINE what it would have been like had I grown up with the technology that exists today. my privacy was never my own. my room was always entered, my diaries were read, and I was spied upon in my own room. there are some details that embarrass and disturb me far too much to write about, so I will leave it there. but there was NOTHING normal about the sexual undertones and overtones of my early life. somehow, by the grace of God???, each and every one of my boyfriends and partners completely respected me. except, of course, for my very first sexual experience. it wasn’t intercourse, but I was forced to perform oral sex on someone when I was a young teenager. I had only so much as kissed another person before that. I had no idea what was about to take place. he was not my boyfriend. it was the first time I was alone in a car with a young man. we went to go get ice cream, and then he drove me to a deserted park. he was cool, older, super hot, and I felt important hanging out with him that one day. it was the first and last time we hung out. while talking at the park, and me thinking we were just getting to know each other, he completely absorbed me with his hands. it came out of nowhere. I was confused, in pain, and wondered if it was normal. uncomfortable, I asked to leave. when we got into his car, which was parked in a deserted lot next to the park, I thought we were leaving. instead, he pulled out his stick and grabbed the back of my head. I do not remember how I felt at the time, other than, pure confusion and that I had no way to leave this situation. I had no idea what I was doing, either. each time I pulled my head away, he forced it back down. I don’t remember much else, not even how much time had passed. I don’t remember the drive home, other than the fact that I must have been totally mute and that I was dropped off right after. I remember thinking, “maybe this is normal?”, and I totally let it go. it never felt like “rape”, and I had no context for that anyhow. to this day, I don’t even think it damaged me, which I know sounds weird. but, what I do know it was, was a boundary cross. and when I consider my childhood, and how nothing ever belonged to me anyhow, including my body, I suppose my confusion made perfect sense and what was otherwise violating wouldn’t have entirely felt that way at the time.
fast forward to my first boyfriend, and partners after him, and I couldn’t have asked for more respectful partners. I just never walked into that sort of situation again. in any capacity. and, as far as I can remember. what I DID walk with, however, and it doesn’t have to just be sexual in this context, was the fact that I belonged to other people. my early life and the people in it did a GREAT job at invading me in so many different ways, and so I always feared being completely consumed by other people. I never had an example of someone with any sort of a boundary. even boyfriends I had seemed to own part of my energy or I didn’t know how to not give away parts of my energy that should only be reserved for me (read my other posts for more on that). this pattern unconsciously attracted me toward crazy people and situations. and this morning when I woke up and saw the news about this young woman Jennifer, I was reminded of one of many crazy people and situations that I had buried over 10 years ago.
in 2007, I had a short stint at an “upscale” (because honestly, what does that even REALLY mean anymore?) french restaurant on the upper east side — just blocks from the mansion of JE. I bartended and did coat check there for cash at night while I worked as a stand-in for 3 of the lead actresses on Gossip Girl during the day. I had left corporate in 2006, made an outline of ALL of my big dreams (healing, writing, acting, producing, and more) and I would meditate on them while at work. when I was working the coat check at this fancy place (which apparently attracted tons of Johns and young girls – honestly I was so enveloped in envisioning my own future that I didn’t even pay attention), I would sit with my books and highlight the parts that I wanted to embed into my soul. one of the books was, of course, The Secret, and other material like that. I was full-throttle into manifesting my own reality. I lived with someone at the time, a couple of years younger than me, and he worked in music. the restaurant job was interesting to me because I got to meet some interesting people and I even bartended Spike Lee’s birthday party. one night when I was alternating with a coat check shift, a very old man came in. when I say very old, he was like half-dead. he was mid-80s. I’m not saying that mid-80s is always half-dead, either. I am just saying that he in particular seemed half dead to me. his hands shook and he wasn’t spry. when this man left, he handed me a couple hundred in cash. I thought “wow, what a nice old man!”. he said to me that he would love to meet for coffee or lunch if I ever had free time from work, and that I reminded him of his wife who had died. I thought “awwww, how sweet”. I went home and told my then-boyfriend, who didn’t think much about it. he didn’t think much about anything, in fact. he said I should hang out with the old man if he was going to keep giving me cash. I didn’t like that, but I also knew how money-focused my then-boyfriend was so I just chalked it up to that. the old man emailed me after I gave him my email the next time he came into the restaurant, and he asked to meet me late day for lunch or tea. the feeling that I had at the time about meeting him was nostalgic; when I lived in Miami years prior, I made friends with a VERY nice old man named Novel. he was a class act. he owned a hotel, and he would invite me to his room to play cards and have coffee. Novel was Cuban and he had immigrated to Miami illegally during a really interesting time. Novel was protective over me, because he met me when my life was falling apart and he even met one of my crazy “caretakers”. he was actually the first adult, in my adult life, to EVER tell me to my face: “that person is mentally ill. do you hear me??”. I couldn’t hear him. I was still stuck in OZ. at any rate, Novel meant a lot to me. it was like having a parent or caretaker who loved me. Novel never looked at me funny. he would give me dating advice and ask about my Cuban boyfriend at the time. Novel died around the time I met the old man at the restaurant. so, remembering how much fun it was to talk with Novel and get life advice and hear about his life and family, I agreed to meet the old man. I went to his residence, which happened to be at a very fancy hotel — on the upper east side, right where so much SHIT seems to go down. when I walked into the lobby, the staff greeted me with extra special attitudes. it was right then and there that my first “gut” feeling came in. it felt as though I was not a guest, but something…else. I can’t even explain it. I would also not understand at the time how “major” this old man was, because I never googled him and didn’t run in the same circles as his “people”. with my guard up, I went up to his penthouse residence. he was so proud of the space. I think it overlooked much of Manhattan. upon entering the space, it looked rather normal. he offered me a glass of wine, and I was immediately caught off guard, because I thought we were going to lunch. I do not remember if I accepted the wine or not, but I do remember thinking “if you drink this wine or feel you have to, make sure there is nothing in it or the glass”. I’ve ALWAYS been super on guard, naturally, in this way, even despite my earlier life experience at the park. my spidey senses are always extremely high. then, he asked me if I wanted a “tour” of his residence. questioning myself, and whether I was being paranoid or whether something actually really WAS off, I accepted. I kept looking at the door and guessing how much time it would take to escape if I had to, and whether he was fit enough to attack me or something. when he took me to his master bedroom suite to “see” it, I saw photos of his Harvard kids and his late wife. of course, that put me at ease, as I am sure it was designed to. he was hands-off, which also put me at ease and I kept going back and forth wondering whether I was being paranoid or not. when I faced the wall of the master bedroom suite that had a huge TV on it, I took major note of something that I found to be incredibly odd: there were HUNDREDS of VHS tapes stacked on bookshelves around it. blank. black. exactly at that moment, he began to ask me if I liked girls. naive, I thought he meant like, do I get along with women. I said “sure”. he said, “you know, I have a friend who is about your age who you may really like, she’s wonderful”. clearly, this was another flag. I could “see” all kinds of things in my mind’s eye that I never wanted to see in that moment, but I still also questioned myself. I was young, but not too young — I was in my mid 20s. I sort of bee-lined for the living room near the entrance to the residence and said I was hungry. we went downstairs and to a restaurant nearby. I can not remember which one. when I entered the restaurant, I recall feeling very uncomfortable. the staff was staring at me, and kissing his ass. it dawned on me completely, that he was “important”. a billionaire. a political player. protected. bowed to. as we sat at the table, all I could think of was how to get out of there as quickly as possible. I also did not want to admit that he was doing what he was doing — he was trying to groom me. toward the end of the meal, he handed me a huge wad of cash, with his old man hands trembling, and grabbed my arm and said with glaring, psychotic eyes “there is more where this came from”. ok — now I understood what happened, what he was doing. I left, feeling disgusted and disgusting. the wad of cash felt so dirty. I didn’t even want it in my possession, but I also needed to pay my rent. my “boyfriend” didn’t believe in taking care of me (my my, how my standards have changed now), and I certainly didn’t have any outside support or help despite coming from a well-off family. I was working triple time to pay my rent and phone bills and normal people stuff. I went home that night, and I remember clearly that the next day my then-boyfriend and I were set to leave for the Caribbean. I told him about the cash, and he said “great! we can use this on vacation”. enough said. I never saw the old man again. I received several emails from him, angry that I “didn’t want to see him”, but he was careful in them. I’m sure he knew exactly how to play it. and, what’s worse, is that over time I actually began to feel bad. I thought, well, what if he was just a nice man? what if I blew him off because I was wrong or paranoid? it’s amazing how the mind can and will play tricks on us when we have been gaslit our entire lives, and then even when we haven’t, in the face of evil. a few years later, I thought about this old man, and I sent him an email because I wanted to know “for sure” what my spidey senses were saying. he never replied, and I never thought of it again. until this morning.
there are certain sociopaths who are masters at their trade of getting one to second-guess their own knowing. if we are raised in dysfunctional homes, it only makes it harder to discern. if we are raised by mentally ill parents, it makes it very likely that we will “attract” these psychopaths. I feel fortunate on many fronts, given my past, for the bullets I have dodged. in addition, like HW and others, they can and will hire people to follow, stalk, and threaten their victims and prey. having been followed and stalked by people who were supposed to take care of me, to the point of having weird people approach me in public, I know just what this might feel like. the threat that ensues when one DARES to be sovereign after another (psychotic) person has decided that they want something from that one person. and, there are REASONS that psychotic people want things…and, no one is writing about it. perhaps it is a concept totally still in the ground. and that reason is one thing and one thing only, and it is why pedophiles molest and rape: LIFE FORCE.
life force is located, chakra-wise, IN the reproductive area of all persons. it’s where we create life, and it is where we give life. for artists and persons with artistic and creative flows, it is where that energy comes from. it is why athletes are often told “no sex or masturbation before a big game!” (so as to build and preserve their life force — of course in a natural, non-evil fashion). this is the transmitter and receptor part of the body that GIVES AND RECEIVES energy to the maximum. it is the most easily misunderstood, AND abused, communication center of the body. in cases of early childhood molestation, that chakra will become either over active (and many people go into sex work — also, I am not judging or disputing someone’s choices and no, I do not believe that anyone’s choice is wrong or better or worse than another’s, I will never judge that — what is right for me may not be for someone else and vice versa — so if you find it empowering to strip, escort, whatever, i am not judging you in any way — what I do know, having worked with women in these arenas, is that it DOES indeed often come on the heels of early life sexual violations that they have not understood) or UNDER active — to the point in which people will avoid sex, dating and relationships. obviously, because there is a fear of being violated, even if that fear is not conscious, and even if that memory is repressed.
the life force chakra emits a signal and brings forth an energy, which is… LIFE FORCE. power. alive. lively. powerful. happy. etc. there are tons of different emotions we might experience during labor, while with another person physically, when we are creative (sex, money and creativity are all tied together and reside in the same chakra aka energy center aka information center in the body) and when we are making money. if you consider yourself (and I always say this) a computer, and your software and data is stored differently and in different parts of your body, imagine where pure life force is stored. pure life force, in its purest and most in tact forms, is found in “pure” beings (and in the epicenter of giving and receiving life — the reproductive parts of the body). children, in particular. an animal, a baby, a being that has not been dismantled in a variety of ways will vibrate with the strongest life force possible. for the evil and predatory, that life force — and it doesn’t matter how they get it — is a goldmine. it must be had. it must be acquired. it is more expensive than money, and it is why people will pay insane sums to get that life force. the thing is, life force must be taken back in a particular way in order for it to no longer reside with the person who stole it. you can read my other blog posts about how to do that. when I write about taking back your energy, this is one of the ways in which I mean it. and when truth is brought to light — what any predator has stolen is often more easily returned to the person who owns it. think of that major guy, RA, from the news channel, and the scandal that broke a few years ago. I recall saying to a few people “I give him 6 months to live”. this is because the news that broke was so damning and loud, that what the break in the news DID was take the lid off of the container of which he was storing life force — other people’s souls, effectively. because when enough life force is stolen from us, our soul associates that with the body no longer being alive. and it begins to leave the body. and all kinds of problems ensue. well, that man did die months later, almost overnight.
many people in “power” want more of it. when I have wanted to maintain my own power in a healthy way, I have been celibate. very often, in fact. I’ve always been extremely choosy anyhow. it could be debated that I am not normal and therefore too choosy, but I don’t think so. I don’t care to give away my energy unless I know there is a balanced energetic exchange. that can be hard to find. in addition, when we have sex or someone molests or rapes us in some way, they INSERT their energy into us in a way that causes ours to leak…and so, we have to consider where has our energy gone, what energy are we hosting, and how do we both PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND ENERGETICALLY retrieve it? VERY IMPORTANT. I have worked with more rape, incest, and sexual violation cases than I can count. it’s rampant. it’s more common than anyone would ever believe or WANT to believe. I see it when I walk down the street. people deal with it in all kinds of ways, that they don’t even know are unhealthy. lots of people are working out issues they don’t know that they even have, relative to this subject. a lot of people take advantage of the fact that it IS an issue, and blame other people for things they didn’t do. it’s really a terrible hodgepodge. and obviously, it’s not a gender thing: men AND women molest. period. and it’s not about sex…it is about LIFE FORCE.
when we begin to understand BEYOND the veil, beyond the tangible, and beyond psychology how life force exchanges actually work (and not just sexually), we can balance ourselves. no matter our trauma or experience. when I saw Jennifer talking earlier today, I saw an otherwise very in tact and beautiful young woman who is about to reclaim a piece of her that JE has been walking around with for YEARS. the best thing that one can do, when they have been robbed in this way (because literally, we can be living in other people and them in us and NOT even understand that), is retrieve their energy as I am describing. because as this begins to happen, there will be a VISIBLE shift in the perpetrator. they will become uglier, even uglier than they already are. they will weaken. the energy that they have stolen will not stay in their body, that had once been acting as a sort of endless drug to keep them “winning” in life. have you ever wondered how or why these thieves of life force live to be SO old? it’s because they have taken SO MUCH life force, enough for several lifetimes, that they are literally running on their own empty with other people’s gas fueling them! the old man I wrote about here, from the upper east side (of course!), lived to be late 90s. 90s. consider potentially all of the young women (and men) living inside of that person, giving them life, using other people’s life force that they do not even know how to retrieve in the first place. THIS…by the way…is one of my greatest joys — helping people retrieve their own life force. and it is JUST AMAZING what happens to the thieves when this happens. you might have guessed: they get sick, they have mental breaks, and they die. because they have been running, for many years, on oxygen that is not their own. and often their victims, once they have properly taken back their own energy, will find a complete second-wind they never thought possible. because for the first time in years, maybe decades, their soul is living in their body instead of someone else’s.
we are going to see a LOT coming up in the news, regarding these matters. we are at the tip of the iceberg. read my eBooklet 4 about karma to understand more on that. I felt this in 2015 when I wrote that eBooklet, and so much has been happening since that many of us never would have guessed would come to the surface. but, shit floats. eventually. if you have been taken from, in the ways that I describe in this post, go and retrieve yourself. there are many ways to do this. the biggest piece of advice that I can give to you is, if you have been physically violated in any of the ways that I describe, GO NO CONTACT IN ORDER TO GET YOUR FULL SOUL BACK IN YOUR BODY. there is nothing else like going no contact that will make ALL of the little girls or little boys in you, and all of your previous ages, feel safe enough to return into the body that you so deserve to FULLY reside in.
*note: as always, I channel-write in one-shot and do not immediately go back to edit my initial post. if you receive this post via email (I am working out the technical difficulties with the mailing list that goes out from wordpress), go back in a day or so and read the link associated with this post versus the text that comes through via email.