people and experiences who/that (positively) helped shape my life

photo by Anita Saini, courtesy of Wall Street, for one of my new ventures The Energy Mavericks (TEM®)

we all have that one person, and/or that one subsequent benchmark experience (that is, if we can recognize them/it) that helped shape us and our life for the better.

although a therapist once told me (and I still believe her) that I suffer from “pathological gratitude”, lately I have been reflecting on the people and experiences who and that, nonetheless, helped shape my life. maybe some of it is pathological gratitude, but even if so, I am still consciously grateful for who and that which helped remind me of who I’ve always been and where I am capable of going.

I’ll start at the earliest point in my life. there was a couple who lived across the street from me starting from when I was about 9 months old. Charlie and Sue. they did not have children, just dogs. the person I was most connected to, or who was most connected to me, was Charlie. my earliest memories include Charlie. as early as I could walk, I recall being with Charlie. as I sat on his lap and talked about his dogs (his dogs were a huge part of his life), he gazed at me with love in his eyes. this love had no attachment. this love had no need. this love had no expectation. it was perhaps my first recollection of unconditional love. I can recall, even now, what I felt: seen, special, connected, and loved. I moved away when I was just 4, so my time with Charlie was brief and intermittent. apparently when he died a few years ago (I only recently discovered that fact), I was in photos of a slideshow that was presented at his remembrance ceremony. it was only recently that I made a huge connection to the meaning of Charlie in my life: he provided me with a protective energy that would last a lifetime. how do I know this? because when I look at his photo today, I STILL FEEL THAT FEELING. the feeling that I had as a toddler. why is this important to share?

recently a close friend of mine went through a breakup. his partner has a young daughter who he was introduced to when she was very little. he was with his partner for over half a decade, no doubt leaving a very strong impression on the life of this little girl. as he spoke to me about the angst he felt in his heart for being apart from the little girl, and concern for her well-being and remembrance of him on her part in the future, I was reminded of my own experience with Charlie. what we often forget is how powerful and impressionable the mind and heart of a young child are; they never, ever forget. they forget things that are indeed dangerous…but they always remember the love. the positive. and all it takes is one positive to outweigh thousands of negatives in the form of people and experiences. no, it does not erase trauma or difficulty…but it will, at a certain point, prevail over negativity. our experiences with people are imprinted upon our soul, and for better or for worse, we recall them and bring them into our consciousness (either during our life span or on our death bed — either way it is inescapable! it’s just a matter of timing) one day. pain leaves us…love stays. ultimately.

the next memory of someone who shaped my life is one that came about in a very indirect fashion, and it’s sort of sad/raw. but I have to tell it. if you have been reading my blog for a time, you will have already gotten the gist of my life, even if sometimes cryptically described — that said, this next memory won’t sound too off-color. I was a prepubescent child. it was Christmas eve. those who were to care for and love me went to a neighbor’s house in the evening. while there, the very essence and truth of my being was thrown under the bus by those who were there to care for and love me. upon hearing such alarming and negative words come from such a seemingly unlikely source, the owner of the house, the neighbor, became enraged. instead of just playing politics for the sake of saving face and having to see his neighbors every day, this man (a real man, I would later understand) stood up and began screaming in defense of me. he called me one of the sweetest, kindest children he had ever met – and then he kicked out the people who were supposed to love and care for me. on Christmas eve. his rage and (rightful) upset over what he witnessed, a crime against a small child, was so intense that he woke his own children with his roaring anger and words (who were close in age to me). years later, I would hear this story told by this man’s own children. it didn’t start to hit me until I was in proper therapy, that someone had actually tried to defend me in my life. it was nobody close to me (otherwise my life would have been very different), but someone did indeed defend me. I just wasn’t there to witness it. but hearing about it proved to be a God-send, only many years later. what that man did for me mattered. it still matters. and a current piece of me in present day can connect to that timeline and feel gratitude. and protection.

during my second internship in college, I was paired with a software development company. my skill-sets and focus weren’t necessarily the best match for this company, but the founder, Phil, resonated with my passion for modern languages and travel. during the interview, he asked me what led to my interest in foreign culture, and I let him know that my first boyfriend was from another country. that seemed to be the clincher! – he could relate, as he himself wanted and had decided to marry a non-American! he impressed upon me the fact that intrinsic resonance was more important than technical skills or a resume, and he gave me a very important opportunity. aside from training or retraining my mind to think analytically (I was an analyst slash data entry person for his company), I learned interpersonal skills I had never learned before. he taught me about the acronym/word ASS-U-ME. I learned that almost everything I had learned up until that point was…not very helpful if I was going to make it in the world and be successful with any employer. he questioned not just my office skills, but my interpersonal skills. I cried in my car after work a few times, and sometimes even in the bathroom at work. I always knew he was a great person, so I didn’t blame him – I realized that he was showing me a new way of living and communicating, since my methods at that time would not serve me in the future. it was hard for me to change. but he gave me a chance. he saw me. and I realized that he could have chosen “better” in terms of the technical skills that would have been optimal for his company, but he worked with me both as an employee and as a human being. he brought heart and business into one setting for me. and it changed the way I looked at the world, and myself (can’t have one without the other, right?).

the next person who helped me to “see” myself, was my first true “boss” out of college. I took a sales job. an on-the-road sales job. door-to-door. C-Suite talk only. meaning, we were not allowed to discuss, on any level, a sale with anyone who was not a C-Suite. imagine that! we were not allowed to email prospects. it was all face-to-face, or via phone, or nothing at all. and they had to be top decision makers…or nothing at all. now to be clear, I was TERRIFIED of public speaking, and I was TERRIFIED of walking into (sometimes nearly breaking and entering!) an office building and demanding at the reception desk to see the CEO or CFO. I basically took my absolute worst nightmare job…because I knew I needed to grow. so this first boss is named Sean. we are still in contact to this day. at any rate, Sean hired me. and he trained me. I watched this 25 year old man blaze into offices in his suit (we were required to wear suits), casually and firmly demand to speak with the CEO, and act like it was normal. at first, I would stand there with embarrassment — I couldn’t believe anyone could be so brazen! but he did it with careful confidence. he did not let fear get in the way. I had a long way to go before I felt I could get there. but within a few months, I was there. it started with me entering offices and running out, due to fear. and it ended with me confidently asking to meet with the CEO on the spot (the company’s model was a 15 second pitch-to-close — or nothing was happening!). I became one of the company’s top sales people at that time, because I believed in the service, but also because Sean believed in me. he didn’t mind that I was socially awkward, or that I was hypervigilant or would probably shake at first or that my voice was in my throat most of the time. he let me burn some leads because I was not perfect or successful yet. and his belief in me, and his kindness toward me, changed me. it simply showed me that I didn’t have to not believe in myself or keep my head down.

the next person who shaped my life for the better happened to be an astrologer. her name was/is Veronica. I have no idea whether or not she is still alive. she came from London and lived in CT. I was 26 and I went to see her for a life consult. as we sat together for 3 hours, she shared some very raw and tough-to-hear truths about my life, my past, and my future. since I had become so accustomed to criticism throughout my life, I was able to sit there and hear whatever she needed to say (this is one of the perks of not being coddled and told “you’re the greatest”). the most important thing that she shared with me in her candid read on me and my life, was my destiny. I knew it, always, in my heart. yet, I was so scared of who that person was, because I was trained to be the opposite of that person. clearly, Veronica could see this, and it pissed her off a great deal. it’s funny, because now in my line of work, I see and feel the same way when young women come to me: rage and compassion surrounding things that have been taken from them – and it is my mission to return to them their intrinsic gifts. at any rate, Veronica sat and told me what was so clearly in my chart, and when she said it I sobbed a big loud sob. she didn’t waiver. she told me that I was crying because it was true. I said yes. and there it was. I had permission, for the first time in my life, to become what I already was — underneath a sea of opposition. and after that reading, that is exactly what I did: I went and became what I had always been, and was always meant to be. I am still expanding my wings to this day, and I won’t stop until I am dead. and probably not after that, either, FYI.

the “final” person and experience who/that shaped my life seems, even while writing this, almost innocuous due to the brevity of such…but the impact of it supersedes duration. and because it stands out so acutely, it is certainly a big part of who I am today. when I was starting Healing Elaine® – and I was just called it “Elaine” at the time – I was interviewing for part-time work within the sphere of what I do. I hadn’t fully come out of the spiritual closet at that time, and I didn’t have enough money for rent based on my work. so I spent my entire days and often nights looking for tie-in work with which I could earn, while handing out my “Elaine” business cards during the day. I found a top psychiatrist who was looking for a bilingual admin slash receptionist, and it seemed perfect! I had started as a psych major in college, and I minored in modern languages. I didn’t get the job, but I walked out with more than a job. when I went to the interview, he let me know that part of the process was to take an aptitude test that he had designed himself. I took the test, and I recall thinking DURING it that I could be doing better on it. he kept looking at me with curiosity, it felt. at the end of the test, he looked at me and said: “most people do not do that well on that test”. I was like, OK, and…and then he said it again, firmly, looking me directly in the eyes. it hit me, many months later, that what he was trying to tell me was that I was good enough. that I was worthy. and that I was better than I knew. perhaps that parts of me were above average. he could see that I could not see myself the way I was, the way that God had designed for me to see myself. and to this day, his words and focus upon me resonate and reverberate and heal me. that half-hour interview is still in my DNA. and I am grateful for it.

I wanted to write about this today, because I have recently been hearing about and seeing examples of lives that were positively touched in the simplest of ways…ways in which we often underestimate, regardless of our dynamic in a particular relationship. sometimes “just doing our job” as a boss or mentor — even if we teach someone a difficult lesson — can be savored many, many years later. and appreciated. and it can be life-changing. actions have power…we may not be able to stop child abuse, but we can certainly confront abusers by telling them “NO!” – whether that child is present or not. that energy goes a long way. as does love. just being in the presence (no matter how short of a time it may be, and no matter personal or professional in capacity) of someone who loves us because they are connected to themselves in some way, can heal even the deepest of wounds.


scheduling now for the next Healing Elaine® pop-up; + Mercury retrograde, the upcoming supermoon, AND the Spring Equinox


photo by Anita Saini

I am currently and quickly scheduling for the next pop-up offering – please read my entire About section, and Services section which describes prior pop-ups and protocol. leave a voicemail on the business line 646-470-1178 regarding the pop-up.

so you may or may not follow astrology – we are currently in a Mercury retrograde. this means different things for different signs, but there is an overall vibe as well as common denominators for the entire collective (typically electronic failures, travel disruptions, and general miscommunications). this particular retrograde has been positive for me, so I am thankful. typically we hear of people cringing with anticipation right before and during a Mercury retrograde, as we also each go over past lessons or are re-presented with old lessons that we get the opportunity to master.

with the energy of Pisces so strongly in the air, my personal intuition has been more heightened than usual. the good news about this is the fact that I am receiving a lot of closure/answers to question marks that remained in my conscious and subconscious mind. I’ve been waking up with strong realizations about my personal life, and random past (recent past, actually) experiences. it has been a beautiful time, in this regard, as of late. we all question ourselves at times, especially when our intuition is REALLY on point — because intuition often defies logic…causing us to truly question our knowing. thanks to whatever is happening astrologically at the moment, I am getting more clarity than ever on past question marks. it feels like a very healing time for me.

I hope everyone is well, and I am looking forward to connecting with old & new folks later this month around a blazing supermoon which lands right on the March Spring Equinox!

one of the best days of my life was when I realized that someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

photo by Anita Saini

a few years ago, I re-entered therapy for a couple of years. I had never had a steady therapist before. I hopped around throughout my 20s, and could never quite find the right person. either they lived out of state, or I was moving, etc. I was certainly “on the go” in my 20s. when I “landed” more permanently again in NYC, I had some unfortunate luck with therapists. one was a really perverse man who insisted I was unhappy because I was not yet married and pregnant (um, no.). one who I had hoped would be my guiding light was murdered in her office. one after that was an unhinged shut-in. I finally found a super top-level man therapist after that, but he didn’t accept insurance and I could not afford him. I guarantee he was worth every dollar though, and in just ONE meeting, I think I got all that I needed from him for about a year’s time. yes, some folks are indeed that good. so fast forward, and I met my “person” who I would stick with for a time. upon our first meeting, and within the first few minutes of meeting me, I will never forget what she said to me. knowing seemingly nothing about me. but she must have known. because she said point blank, and with a strong, almost glaring look in her eyes: “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. I thought, ok, thanks, but what exactly are you talking about? I didn’t know what to say to her. and then she said it again. looking back, of course it makes sense. but at the time, it (as I’m sure it was designed to do) caught me off guard.

what she saw in me was something that I see and feel, before, during and after meeting someone: I see their grid, so to speak. their life’s web of experiences. I feel it in my body and spirit before we meet. I see it on their face in person. I feel it ebb and flow after we work together and I work with it to help them regain their intrinsic algorithm. so what did this mean for me, her comment? I guess you could say that her comment, so poignantly directed at me, summed up my entire reason for being there in the first place, from start to finish. I had lived an entire life of blame, and blaming myself for the world around me: particularly the actions of others. apparently it was written all over my face for an exceptional therapist to read.

now, I would like to state that prior to “re-entering” therapy, I was feeling great. I had managed, despite a ton of adversity, to pull myself together to the best of my ability with no proper help or support. I had a thriving business. except there was one thing wrong…I was still in a dating pattern that I had no idea I was truly in, or how to stop it. when I decided to re-enter therapy, this seemed to be the only valid “reason” I could conceive of to get help.

about a year before I saw the woman psychoanalyst I reference above, I had come to a major conclusion in my life regarding dating. and, it happened to line up exactly with what she had said to me in our first meeting, only I did not put 2+2 together at that exact time. the conclusion that I came to in my life regarding dating, specifically in 2015, was the following: “it’s not about you. it’s not your fault. this person’s behavior has nothing to do with you”. this was the most important conclusion that I could ever come to on my own. and yet I needed time to understand many more moving parts to this particular conclusion…

I have always been a person to choose the underdog in life, to root for the underdog. obviously one could say that I was choosing myself in a veiled way, for all of the times and experiences of which I was the underdog. but it’s more than that. with dating in particular, it proved to be a very detrimental pattern for me.

when I first moved to NYC, I saw a psychic. she was the first psychic I had ever seen before. I didn’t know if I believed in the hype, despite the fact that I had been living as a closeted intuitive my entire life. this woman changed my entire perspective on intuition and spirit. when we sat down, she took one look at me and said: “you are doing a LOT of settling in life”. then she went on to give me other absolutely fantastic details about my life and what I would achieve. I cried because she saw me. and then she gave me one piece of advice. she said “do not get into a romantic relationship this year…and if you follow my advice, you will land xyz goal by the end of the year”. of course, I got involved in a relationship. and it set my goals back by at least 2-3 years, as a result. because I became an absolute shell of myself during this relationship. once I left, my entire life happened. and I vowed “never again” to get involved with someone like that. and I didn’t — I didn’t enter a long, committed relationship with someone “like that”…but I did date that same person again and again in others, it’s just that their human particulars looked different. I kept myself safe by not deep diving, and by also seeing the signs of the pattern, and moving in the other direction once they were apparent. this was indeed progress. that “never ever again” moment was truly powerful. and yet while I was able to be sure I did not immerse myself in a deep, committed relationship with someone “like that”, I still attracted them and was attracted to them…

it would be 2015 when my massive lightbulb moment came. it was the year in which I broke my entire pattern for good. it was the year in which I heard, loud and clear: “another person’s behavior has nothing to do with you”. it was glorious. and painful, on all levels. it rooted out so much about my past, and the experiences that led me to this pattern of attraction. and something inside of me knew that I would never attract it again, or be confused by it. this epiphany was a doozy. I took time off of work to process it. I walked around NYC like a total zombie for weeks, because something inside of me (something I did not need) died. it needed to die. but, I had never lived without “it” before. “it”, was someone else’s pain. baggage. illness. and it felt like I was dying, too.

my pattern, as you may guess, was caretaker. since I never, EVER knew that I was allowed to have needs in my life, I had no idea I was a caretaker. I also had no idea that the way that I was treated would plant me with a tracking device that called for extremely unhealed people to seek me. of course, the “good ones”, the people who would have been healthy for me, I “wasn’t attracted to”. of course I wasn’t. that is because conditioning is chemical, not superficial. it didn’t matter how attractive, successful, or kind someone was: if they weren’t broken, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t know, entirely, that this was what was happening. I turned down a lot of quality partners. the kind we all say we want.

as I went about my life, figuring myself and the above patterns out, I met someone who was that final “never ever again” moment. the first “never ever again” moment was surrounding not getting into a full-fledged relationship with one of these people. this next and last “never ever again” moment was surrounding not attracting one of these people again. and I must say, though it took some time, this was a HUGE development in my life. in my work, I see patterns repeated for a lifetime. it is rare that we can fully break them, on all fronts. and yet I was determined to do this, even if it meant being alone or “older” when I settled down to create a family of my own. my final “never ever again” moment hit me like a ton of bricks…

I suppose that I had this idea, subconsciously and unconsciously, that if xyz person looked different on the outside — personality-wise, occupation-wise, background/education-wise and so-on — from past darkness I had suffered, that I was indeed evading that darkness. what I learned in 2015 is that a pattern doesn’t need to be blamed or hated for it to still be a PATTERN that we do not need. let me explain…

my formative experiences were met with aggression on all levels. physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. I was also indebted to the needs of others, at all times. I was hypervigilant to the core, always anticipating the next sound or behavior. I didn’t stand a chance to consider my own being. because, frankly, I didn’t exist. my would-be “protector” cried on my shoulder as I was a very young child, alternating between needing me as a therapist and using me as a physical, verbal and emotional punching bag. I was used in triangular situations as a therapist, and scapegoat. I had no one to tell me “this is not normal”. it was more than not normal, it was highly dysfunctional and ill. as I’ve written about in many other posts, our ego develops around and insists upon repeating what we see early in life. I don’t recall one healthy example of any sort of interaction, ever. so not only was my ego developed around a pattern of human interaction that insisted upon needing my entire being, but it survived on it like air and water.

consciously, I “knew better”. in fact, for a time, I got a taste of what better was. somehow, perhaps by the grace of God, my first boyfriend seemed to be a fine example of someone who considered my needs and treated me with complete respect. at least that is how I recall it. it was genuine, committed, and long-term. I was certainly tended to, encouraged, and protected — such as when I would wake up in the middle of the night with raging nightmares about my past. after him, I learned about the very thing I was hoping to escape: the pattern that lived deep within me. I couldn’t escape it. until I could…fast-forward to 2015…

the person I met in 2015 was seemingly everything opposite to what I feared (aggression, abuse, manipulation and so on). I felt this person was extremely “safe”. and so I went for it. a number of months in, and I was blindsided. I had been blindsided before, but this was different. it was different because on the surface, I had changed the pattern… but deep beneath the surface, lived illness. and this time, for the very first time in my life, I had concrete “proof” or “evidence” that it was “not my fault”

something that I never had prior, was evidence that someone else’s behavior was not my fault. on nearly all levels, I routinely felt everything was my fault all of the time. you might not have known it from the outside, just by looking at me, because you have to remember that I survived so long — survivors look strong on the outside. but this 2015 incident changed the whole game for me. I got “proof”…

the proof was simple, and it looked like this — and this is what excitedly prompted me to re-enter therapy, properly this time — this situation came with a severe mental illness on the part of the person I was enthralled with. although I was convinced that their outer world success, kind, kind heart (I have always run toward that — in the opposite direction of what I felt as a young child) and upbringing would make this one “different”, it didn’t. they had a serious mental/cognitive diagnosis handed to them, and I realized looking back that this wasn’t the first time. it was just the first time that someone had been struck so loudly by a diagnosis, and been so honest with me. and so the absolute lightbulb moment came for me when I realized that it wasn’t my fault, mostly BECAUSE they were so different from any experience I had had on the surface. I was not blamed or covertly shamed or manipulated in this relationship, as I had been in a number of relationships prior…and so this revelation hit me differently. it hit me for the first time that someone’s mental well-being or lack thereof had absolutely nothing to do with me — that they would be ill or well, absolutely despite me. and it was because of this person’s kindness — their lack of narcissism, and their purity — that I was able to see this. someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me. some people, no matter who they may be and how we may be connected to them or what we are trained to think about them, are unwell. my eyes opened beyond belief, and this experience sent me on an additional path of self-care.

the revelation took place because for the first time, I was able to isolate psychosis from the way someone was treating me. it was like taking the skeleton out of a person or mammal, and seeing that that skeleton could live in anyone despite their human suit. the revelation allowed me to understand that no matter who my “never ever again” people were around, their intrinsic nature would not change. because I had been blessed with someone who had this same skeleton as nearly everyone I had met in the past, but their human suit healed my heart. the contrast between their unfortunate and uncontrollable diagnosis and their loving heart and spirit was incredible. and it just made me realize that I could be loved, loving, wonderful, beautiful, and all of these things, and still not be responsible for their skeleton. this person made me feel all of those powerful things. and they brought me the greatest gift that would serve my future partnerships: clarity on the oldest wound in my heart and being.

typically, with someone’s “skeleton” (let’s use that as a metaphor for their cognitive predisposition, whatever it may be), comes subsequent personality hallmarks or characteristics. in my experience, those who gravitated toward me and vice versa were usually suffering in some way and needed me to care for them emotionally. they also tended to be rather narcissistic, and had little interest in improving themselves spiritually or otherwise — so they used, and I unwittingly allowed them to use, my entire life force. but this 2015 lightbulb was different. this person showed no signs of needing me in that way, and they appeared to be everything that I was looking for — they appeared, initially, to be the broken (finally!) pattern. and in a sense, they were. but not completely. I realized, in moments of the evidence that was brought to me after a very traumatic experience, that I could finally let go of attracting broken people because now I understood WHY I had done this. and it wasn’t just my conscious mind, because that mind is sort of useless in a situation like this…I understood, to the deepest part of my core, that I was healing a very toxic and primal conditioned wound. this moment was everything. and it still took time to fully examine.

along with this revelation that someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me, because there was absolutely no drama or patterning with this revelation (it was simply the absolute BREAKING of an entire pattern), came revelations about my past. this was fodder for re-entering therapy. it was fodder to examine or re-examine MY ENTIRE LIFE. it was as if the lens I was looking through cracked completely, and I was able to see what the deepest part of me believed about myself that was completely false. I looked at my patients in a new light, and I looked at every single person I had ever met in my entire life, in a different light. I also realized, for the first time, that nearly every person I had ever dated had a diagnosis that I either wrote off, or overlooked as it related to me and my role in their life. my second serious relationship ended in my early 20s when my partner, whom I had known for 13 years, had a severe mental break and was diagnosed with a serious condition. I looked back on every partner I had, and saw what they all had in common that I could not see prior. everything began to make sense. none of them were different, but now I was different.

the most important part of this was yes, I finally knew I had a chance at the partnership of my dreams, and also the fact that I could observe nearly anyone in the outside world as living in their own dream. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote an incredible book called The Four Agreements. I read it back in 2007 and I have a signed copy from when I met him and had dinner with his son in 2008. I cried when I met Mr. Ruiz. it was the most important book I had ever read, and yet I didn’t even grasp the gravity of it until about a decade later. it’s still the most important book in my life, and it’s really hard to apply and master the truth in it. that is what makes it so good. in this book, it talks about how we should not take anything personally. well, 2015 showed me this. I was and am able to observe otherwise hurtful actions of others, and see them in their own bubble. sure, I serve as a mirror for many people who only see either their own brilliance or their own self-hatred in my reflection, but it doesn’t matter anymore. because I now understand that the world goes on whether or not I cut my arm off to try and help someone.

sometimes in life, we receive a gift that is so painful, and so beautiful, that it ends part of our suffering. 2015 liberated me from a role I had played for so long: whipping-post. someone else’s idea of who I was/am. I was liberated enough to understand that when I was a tiny human, that those people in that house would have been the same whether I was there or not. I just happened to be there. had I not, someone else would have been their container for everything that they could not handle or did not like about themselves.

when my last therapist said to me, on that first day, “someone else’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”, it was like a final piece of evidence I needed to understand that the way others behave has nothing to do with me. I like to think that my 2015 experience created such a skism in my being and understanding of who I am, that it was able to crack a false reality. a reality which said “you are responsible. you are to blame. you do not have joy unless everyone else in the world has joy”. and it cracked it enough for me to make that next step, into someone’s office, who could show me how palpable that truth had been in my life. and she gave me additional permission, beyond the steps I had already taken to extract myself from someone else’s false reality about who I was/am, to live MY life.

the way that others behave has absolutely nothing to do with us. if we remove ourselves from their reality, they will find someone else to play out their reality with. it doesn’t mater. in this way, we are both irrelevant and free. I like being irrelevant and free. we only become relevant when there is a balanced exchange — even much like my 2015 experience, as awful as it felt — when both parties prosper.

if you have been subject to blame, care-taking, or pathological guilt, consider this: everyone in your life may be a reflection of something so old, so rotten, and so untrue, that your vision is clouded because you believe that you have something to do with the way other people feel. I get it that this may sound like a “no-brainer” to the conscious and cognitive mind, but you would NOT BELIEVE how many “successful” and “together” people I have worked with who have struggled exactly with what I write about here. in fact, they are successful and together BECAUSE they have struggled with what I write about here. they are just a few experiences away from rubber-banding into a truly thrilling reality, in which they understand, on every level: someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with me. xx/xx/2015. the best day of my life.

a vulnerable post. plus general HE updates.

photo by Anita Saini

I will start with talking about something that I talk about in every single session, workshop, or otherwise Healing Elaine® exchange. one of my vulnerabilities.

to preface this. one of the reasons that I did not continue to pursue my psychology degree (which was my major at Northeastern University) at University was that I did not feel it would allow me to be as vulnerable as I wanted to be with people. the reason that I wanted to be vulnerable with people, and continue to be, is because I find it gives them “permission” to do the same and then change. as a true quantitative slash artist hybrid, I walk the line between both human designs. the artist in me wanted and wants to express my core more strongly than the quantitative helper in me, in order to help others. this is why I landed outside of my major and “role” in life: psychologist. psychotherapist. psychiatrist.

as said hybrid, the artist in me breaks down the walls and barriers that would not be suited for a traditional therapeutic environment. and so hence we also have this blog. I will say that yes, despite my vulnerabilities which can make me feel very trapped at times, I do feel extremely free. and it is simply because I am not owned. not on paper, and not in any other way. this is something I would not trade for the world. freedom. it is why I have not accepted investment offers for my business as of yet. it is why I have not done many things. and yet I work hard to be aware when I am working from fear versus the conscious choice to not be a sell-out. the value of freedom is so important to me, because I never had it when I was young. my entire being did not belong to me. I digress.

back to freedom. being free allows me to express my vulnerabilities in a very raw and unveiled fashion, and the one that I wanted to share today (again, you can likely find variations of my sharing of it in other posts) is my fear of success. no, I don’t have a fear of failure. I have a fear of success, that would be quickly followed by a fear of failure tied only to that very success. this, I understand, is a widespread or common problem for people. and we all have different stories and experiences that back it up; stories that are both individual and collective in nature. mine comes on the heels of the simple fact that every success I ever had was followed by a catastrophic and terrifying event. as well as absolute radio silence about my achievements unless it suited/benefited someone else. and so I would like to share my experiences, feelings and process around my particular vulnerability revolving around success that I follow to manage this “dis-ability”.

let’s go back in time. when I was fresh out of college, after one of many rough patches courtesy of completely external factors, I was offered a “dream job”. I had pink business cards and they had my name on it. my role was to run around and collect money from big entities like real estate developers and fashion brands and place them in a magazine. yes, it was ad sales. I was using a foreign language to conduct all meetings, I was living in what felt like paradise with beaches and palm trees, and all of my interests seemed to collide in that one period of time for me on that one pink business card. although I had suffered unthinkable trauma that year between family and a very close friend, and a convicted felon landlord who spied on me constantly, I was ready to take on the world! or so I thought. I must admit, there was something about those Barbie pink business cards that really made my heart race. the color, to me, meant that I was about to finally “make it” in life! the way that I got this so-called dream job goes like this. leading up to the job, everything horrible that could have happened to me in a 6-month period of time did, and at the end of it I was out of a job. instead of applying online, I went out to the hottest nightclubs and events wearing my resume on my shirt. this landed me this job. I drafted a business plan for the magazine along with my intentions, and the job was mine within a few weeks. the only problem was, it felt too good to be true. and, it wasn’t too good to be true. I was just used to never getting what I wanted. and so the very thought that something could work out, in my favor, AND be all of the things that I wanted on paper, was…well, it sent my heart racing. I couldn’t sleep for about a week. now for those of you who don’t resonate with my past or the trauma that came before this example I am sharing, I will say this: imagine the absolute unknown, and that it is terrifying because it negates everything that you have ever known. imagine that an example of this might appear totally normal/benign in your eyes regarding the experience of someone else, but that it is very real indeed: the threat of something good happening and what comes with that. remember the time that Oprah gave the homeless man a whole bunch of money, bought him an apartment, counseled him, helped him get a job, and so on? and how a year later he was back on the streets because it was most comfortable? yes. this is how trauma works. it takes years to push through. this is why we can not have shame over our vulnerabilities. they each look different, and for each one of us. and for me, those pink business cards were a real trauma. I was a young woman, attractive, I finally had an exciting job with decent pay, I got to dress like Shakira circa 2002 for my job yet still be treated as a professional, and my business cards…pink. to me, this job represented all of the things I had ever wanted in life — basically my sovereignity– and I got to use my minor in modern languages on a daily basis. I was a rock star! and I couldn’t sleep. because for the first time in my life, I had something that I wanted…that no one else had wanted for me, or had claimed for me…

during this period of time, like Murphy’s law would constantly present in my life, a biological “care taker” came down to steal the show. there was a major incident followed by a medical emergency which landed both of us in the hospital within days of one another, and my life went back to “normal” again. depressive. chaotic. broken. dramatic. scary. completely without support. the way that it impacted this dream job was sort of like a slow burn. I clearly wasn’t able to be present, and my worst fear had occurred again, just like it had earlier that year — my success was not about me. it would never be about me. it would be about someone else, who would either take it or ruin it for me. each time I got on my feet, I was knocked over with pure force. I should have known better. but I was still a kid. a kid, living as far away from chaos as possible, but chaos would always find me – at any cost.

the reason I talk about the pink business cards is that the color pink really meant something to me. it was my favorite color as a little girl. it seemed to be this most fantastic and “dreams can come true” color, which, for whatever odd reason, meant a lot to me. it reminded me of Barbie or something, and the philosophy that “you can be anything”. since I did not receive those messages in a healthy way, I found this permission through my art, creativity, and playtime as a child and young adult. when this trauma of having and losing my dream job (which was really just a basic, not terrible life, by most people’s standards I imagine) happened, that color seemed to bleed all over the place, and the beautiful pink business card with my name on it is something that serves as a symbol for not only that time in my life, but for important imaginative times in my life. it would be a long time before I could find the metaphor for a pink business card again…it would not be until I started Healing Elaine®, in fact. Healing Elaine®, something that, finally, no one could ever take away from me. HE is my pink business card now.

fast forward. you can imagine the years of processes I went through, before the above story, and after it. our vulnerabilities are always a work in progress. and today, another shred of this vulnerability of mine, the sheer fear of success, was revealed. now this may sound like a life sentence to some, who may think “man that really sucks, you actually have to wake up every day and put all of your effort into one foot in front of the other for something so stupid that takes me no effort to do? I’m sorry, that’s awful”…but you know what, if it’s not one thing, it is another for us. we are all challenged in different ways. it’s called relativity. and believe me, this is just one of many of mine. and I share it to give you permission, if it, or something like it, resonates with you.

today I woke to a phone call from someone lovely who I worked with many years ago. the way that I stay in touch with people from the past who I have worked with is via remote sessions (they can be booked by calling the business line by the way — they are 2.5 hours total), occasional workshops, and when I hire folks I’ve worked with for various things. I love to build from the inside out in this way. anyhow, during the phone call, and it could have been a message for this person as well, I was alerted to the ways in which I still make myself so small. the ways in which I still settle, despite what the world may perceive about me from the outside. I do this still, because, unconsciously, I fear imminent physiological death and destruction. every few months and years I make MAJOR strides. and then I plateau. and then the cycle ensues again. and I do not mind it. and each time I reach new contrast, or a new mountain peak, I am reminded (again) that every one of our vulnerabilities is a process. there is never a destination. now, more on my vulnerability of fear of success…

one of the ways in which I have both consciously and unconsciously chosen to deal with this fear is by challenging myself with a fearful action on a daily or weekly basis. this may be as simple as answering a phone call that scares me (or that I have an assumption or intuition about one way or another), or sitting down to complete a task that seems “tedious”, like a business plan, that could actually take me further and make my dreams come true. I have to sit and think about whether I am using my intuition, or my fear, at all times. and that’s fine. I welcome it. one of the unconscious ways that I have “chosen” to deal with this fear is the fact that I am 100% certain God will not let me not be extremely expansive with my being. this is evident in the undeniable, and daily adrenaline rush of purpose that I feel in my veins. it’s something I can not get out of. if you have this, you will know what I am talking about! if you do not have this, it doesn’t matter — there is always an unconscious way in which you are being challenged or will challenge yourself when you are sick of being “stuck”.

the biggest and most SUBconscious piece of my fear of vulnerability, sits on the heels of being afraid that no one will like me if I am successful. how ironic, right? living in the age of complete media whores who will do anything to be seen, noticed, given attention. but this particular fear goes way, way back. and when we notice a fear like this, particularly around success, we have to take that string and pull it all the way back to the beginning. I sit and write my fears: the real ones, and the ones that PROBABLY won’t happen. and even if they did, so what? for me, I still struggle with this idea that if I am successful, I will die – because I will be killed. perhaps not physically. but through so many halting (and criminal, on so many levels) experiences around what should have been joy and pleasure of personal success, my mind body and spirit were trained to HALT. don’t move. don’t breathe, even. do not breathe! I still hold my breath…a lot. the idea that I will die if I am “too successful”, is very visceral in my body. and I work on it every single day.

in order to “survive” the “threat of being successful from the outside world”, I have made myself small in many ways. when my phone would ring off the hook, particularly when HE was first peaking about 5 years ago, I was careful not to return “too many calls” at once…because that would mean that I would “make too much money”…and “someone would find out”…I’m serious, these were real fears. nearly conscious. but not totally conscious, or I would have confronted them. instead, I was given a series of shitty circumstances to confront them.

my modern day / today fears still center around being “too much”, “too successful”, “making too much money” “having more than just my very breath”…and I see how my unconscious mind will work to accommodate what lies just beneath the surface for me. right under the conscious mind is that bridge between the trauma that we can not remember in entirety (and probably thank God for that – our brain serves to protect us until we no longer need to be protected), and the daily shit that annoys us about ourselves. consciously, no, I am not afraid of success! and clearly, I am consciously NOT afraid of vulnerability. because here we are. but in that territory of the unchartered…the basement without a light…the creatures still crawl up with their pink business cards and meet my conscious mind. and it is in between the two realms of psychological thought that I constantly negotiate.

to me, being successful, consciously, means that I can give others permission to do the same. and I do do exactly that. it’s what I get paid for. I also get paid for the unique processes that I use to get people beyond their hurdles. to me, being successful, also means imminent death. this is on the deepest and most unconscious levels possible. yet of course, I am conscious that it is there. and when my unconscious mind alerts my conscious mind to “danger”, that I might be incredibly successful, my subconscious mind comes up with all kinds of stop signs for me. the stop signs look real. they look like pink business cards, sometimes. and while it is painful to know that someone with so much on the ball (me), with so much potential, could still be stopping themselves to make themselves small so that they are “safe”, I find a real beauty in this tragic reality. the beauty is that I will transcend it. and the beauty is that I have no issue with sharing myself in a way that makes other people who struggle exactly with the same, either in specificity or theme, feel safe enough to recall, acknowledge, and address their vulnerability.

with all of this said, consciously I’m on fire with regard to what I want. but I continue the labyrinth of the hidden mind, reminding me that horrible things will happen if I am a great success. and the funniest part about all of it is, there is nothing I can do to stop the Universe’s destiny for me; my biggest fear and weakness, born from experiences only, has become and continues to become my biggest intention and strength. this is how we transcend evil. because what I dealt with was evil on all levels. having things taken from me that no one had any business taking and claiming as their own. and all the while, the paradox of the entire process itself, is a true beauty. this is the labyrinth of life!

some related updates here pertain to past and prospective work with patients…the person I spoke with today was concerned that I was over-booked and would have no time for them for a remote session. I do have time right now, for past patients only (no one gets a remote session unless they have had a traditional or pop up session, first). most of the remote sessions that folks booked at the tail end of last year have been used. so I am booking them again this week. I am also offering a couple of pop-up house calls for former patients only, which include a house clearing. this is something I have done recently on a fairly 911 basis, and it has been beautiful. as I get more organized with my time, it is allowing me to make space for some of these remotes and pop-ups — just during certain times only, because I am in a flux with other projects that can take a strong direction quickly, and there may be long periods of time during which I get suddenly and subsequently blocked off/out and will not be able to offer a remote or anything else. as for pop-up sessions for those I have never seen, stay tuned for the announcements for such. I am not sure if/when I will make another pop-up offering. you must also read both of the pre requisite books in my About section prior to inquiring. these are my general updates for my offerings beyond my TEM and PE focuses/launches (which I am very excited about!).

I hope this post was helpful on a variety of levels.

Healing Elaine® March pop-up: the power of manifestation and 3s

photo by Anita Saini

you may read about the energy of this past month’s pop-session offering in my last post; the energy of my next pop-up offering (note that these are not full traditional sessions, and you may read about this particular offering here) will encompass the cataclysmic “coming together” of years of hard work that are yearning to merge in the now — in the tangible and physical.

all “things” come first from an intangible place. this encompasses a whole lot — again, peruse my blog and various topics related to the intangible to get a sense for what that means to me, and those I work with. my collective sense and temperature at this moment, for both myself and others (there is little separation when it comes to mutual themes in my work), is one of fast-paced tangible change. we are beginning to see prominent shifts in the physical, we are not feeling “stuck” in general, but perhaps for just a few crumbs that need to be swept and done away with through some major dot-connecting.

as heavy as things may look on the surface for some of us, there is always that intangible sense when things are really “close”…as if we just need to be pushed off the edge in some direction, into that new reality. if this speaks to you, perhaps it is the right time for us to meet.

please leave a message on the business line 646 470 1178 to inquire about March 1 & March 3 for my next pop-up offering. again, please note my various services and offerings and get as clear as possible on what they entail so that if/when we speak I may best answer your questions. if your call is not returned it is simply because I am at capacity again in all senses.

by virtue of the number 3, March is a power manifestor month. read about the significance of the number 3, particularly on certain dates; like March 1, 2, 3, 10, 11, 12, 13, 19, 20, 21, 22, 29. we are run by numbers, our world is run by numbers. we live upon a numerical grid. the greatest people in history consulted numerologists and astrologists based on numerology. I personally experience a particular theme around each day of every month and much can be derived, often in advance, based on the equation of the day alone. in addition to the individual days we also have opening and closing cycles…a lot to think about!

let’s do this. I am ready for what is NOW/NEXT.

when joy re-enters

photo by Anita Saini

I touched on the broad strokes of this concept in my recent instagram post.

many of us have been working toward “joy” which, as a concept in and of itself, one (or the “average” person) would consider a natural and spontaneous experience. and it should be. yet when we are blocked or rather when we commit to ways of thinking (out of survival, but then really out of pure CHOICE), we obstruct that flow called “joy”. also, to be clear, I do not believe that “joy” means the same thing to everyone. I have met and experienced either very ill or simply dark-energied people who, upon first glance, one might consider joyless and feel badly for them…but upon second and third glance I’ve realized that “joy” for some folks is literally pain – they actually can’t get enough of it. the notion that we are all energetically equal is our greatest misstep. the idea that everyone thinks like us precedes this often grave misstep.

back to the point of this post. I can look at my life or the life of anyone I’ve worked with and see the various categories of turbulence — emotional, psychological and spiritual (often HENCE, physical) — that are being worked through and I picture the following: a few main arteries of core/spore contrast (aka trauma — and yes, we all have it), with hundreds of veins extending around each main artery. the veins represent what I call “follow up” experiences, that appear to reinforce the main artery or initial core trauma experience/s. because we are made like tracking devices, and one solid trauma in the shape of this artery is planted upon impact, I would say that every single experience post-artery formation is simply a butterfly effect of that initial experience. this means that each time we experience the same, we have the choice to either affirm or deny the cellular history that flows through our bloodstream at a rapid pace BACK to this main artery to “inform” us as to what this new experience means. it is in this part of the communication, from veins to artery, that we have a choice to either “risk” rewiring the information, or to ENFORCE the placement of that artery that flushes the blood that matches all of our followup experiences. so when we feel like we “can’t change” or like things “keep happening TO us”, we are actually battling DNA coding. this is why it can feel like we are getting nowhere after 5, 10, 20 and more years of working on a core issue (artery).

what I saw this past weekend with others and as I do in my own personal life experience, was the actual tipping point in which all of the veins (the subsequent experiences that match an original trauma, or artery as I refer to here) began to re-inform that main artery, giving it a chance to unblock it’s actual point of origin and messaging — so that it can allow for joy, which in my mind is simply the unobstruction of trauma. by the way, when I use the word trauma, I am using it in a VERY vast context. the thing is, so many of us are walking around traumatized aka UNCONSCIOUS and do not even know it. and so we do not dare refer to “it”, our lack of joy, as trauma. we blame everything else, or everyone else, instead. except when we have been consciously working and working and working on ourselves for an extended period of time…

and this is the place that I find most people. there is a solid reason that I list pre requisite reading. most folks I see have been addressing themselves and inner worlds for a long time. perhaps they have sought the best that the psych world has to offer — and when the right person is discovered, there can be little to nothing quite as effective and healing as psychotherapy (which we ALL need — don’t argue me! if you think you don’t need it, you probably REALLY need it. but, the right kind…which can take some effort to come upon). perhaps they have done every new-agey “trick” or perceived “short-cut” (p.s. there are NONE) out there like drugs or plants. either way, the cataclysmic shifts that take place within us usually come upon the heels of long-term effort. I see therapists, I receive recommendations from therapists, and there is a reason: all of that attempted reprogramming of the veins I mention in this post is waiting to line up with a most-needed conversation and time-travel — back to that artery…in a way that “clicks”…in a way that finally gives us the courage to risk letting go of and shifting the very first piece of information we ever received (trauma).

of course this is another metaphor I am painting to describe ego death. but there are so many ways to address the notion of an ego death. it is not one-dimensional, and there are many ways to experience approaching such an experience. it’s infinite actually. and it fascinates me. we die a million deaths before we actually physically die. it never stops. unless we decide to stop growing…and in that space we consciously choose to obstruct our joy.

growing requires embracing fear. deep fear. this fear feels like a complete threat to the body. as we approach this fear, that initial artery strengthens itself and pumps more blood than ever to keep us “alive” and safe from that first experience — it screams its bloody algorithm of fear and “information” as it trickles itself into the veins that seem to resemble it so clearly. people, places and things — everything that has happened over the past X many years — look EXACTLY like that main artery of issue…only, they are not. they may be similar in some ways or many ways, but they are just metaphors to collect enough data and information to finally rewire the artery to unobstruct joy.

the biggest social issue that we face right now is the repeated algorithm of our traumas. I do believe that most every one of us (minus those who relish in illness and negativity and really do enjoy it — yes, this is a thing, call it sociopathy or narcissism or whatever you deem fit) intends to move beyond our main arteries of trauma. this is why it is easy for me to have compassion for so many different people, with so many different backgrounds, beliefs and experiences. at our core, we all actually want the same things. it’s our individual main arteries that keep us in our little boxes. all you have to do is go on twitter to see all of the grown-ass adults in their sandboxes spewing plenty of vein-to-main-artery rhetoric that divides us not from others, but from ourselves first. because it’s easier that way. short-term…

my greatest personal challenge has been exactly what I am writing about here: reinforming the main artery through a series of bloody vein communications that seem to only serve that core trauma and make continued agreements with it. and the further we go, the more we die, the more conscious we become, the harder the tests…we may, in fact, “attract” the same trauma, over and over and over again. this is not to say that it does not exist. what I am saying is that beyond that INITIAL trauma or artery, we are ACTUALLY given free will to ALTER the wiring of the original artery and its algorithm. this can take years. lifetimes. hence the difficulty we all seem to face in terms of allowing joy to flow, or even enter our sphere…

in addition to stating in logical terms the above difficulty, I will illustrate a bit of it in terms of the tipping point that I point to in this post. as we get “closer” to reprogramming ourselves beyond trauma, we will be served with nearly “identical” subsequent traumas to test us (see also my post on the butterfly effect of abuse). the Universe will send us a person who looks, feels, smells or in some other capacity reminds us EXACTLY of that initial trauma. we may SWEAR it is the same thing. and, frankly, IT MAY BE…but here is my point…at this level in the game, we are able to make (risk) a new decision about what that person or experience represents to us. this simply requires “allowing” the perceived worst case scenario to happen to us. for example. if I have a history of experiencing an abusive boss or superior in the workplace, and I have been to therapy or doing some sort of self-help work around the issue at hand and possibly WHY I continue to experience this, right on the heels of great change I may attract seemingly the worst offender I could imagine in the form of a boss. it will then be in that moment that I get to choose and talk through the issue: “ok, this person has the hallmarks of xyz. my body is having a reaction to them. they look like person X. their behavior is like that of person X. but…here are some slight differences…is there any negotiation in my mind that will allow me to DIS-empower this person as my initial offender? is there any room for movement at all?…ok well I can see that I’ve moved the dial very far in my own personal work on person X already…maybe I can use that ‘work’ I have done to build my confidence to take a risk around this subsequent vein of a person who appears exactly like that main artery…ok I choose to empower the beast of that spore hence this vein less than yesterday…”. when we reach the tipping point of a transitional belief that has been ingrained in our body and mind and spirit, we will notice just the slightest room for negotiation in our mind about who the shadow of person X and person X themselves each are. in my experience, NOTHING and NO ONE will ever have as much power as that initial artery, or person X, or our original trauma. even if the butterfly effect and those actual vein experiences are fundamentally worse on a logistical or logical level…let that sink in.

the honor I have of working with extremely complex and layered experiences of others is like none other — when we can take years, emotional and spiritual data, psychological algorithms, and the recognition of TRUTH in all forms and combine this in a way that compliments someone’s tipping point of change…well, I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like to witness someone’s shift. in that moment, and it may be soon, or it may be later, what they have done and what we have done is reprogram that main artery. even if it is one artery of many that need to be reprogrammed in order to experience or unobstruct joy, it is an entire artery of truth and LIFE FORCE. we look different after we can allow this joy in, as in its purest form, it is life force. when we are in flow, there is no drug, no nutrition, no workout, no relationship, no tactile thing that can come close to radiating the power of such a revelation. joy is the absence of an obstructed artery.

we are not the way the world or others perceive us. but it takes time to even understand what experiences we are WEARING that color the lens through which others see us, hence the way we ACTUALLY SEE OURSELVES without realizing it. of all these arteries and veins of experiences or obstructions, there may be timelines for each that are specific and individual in nature. one obstruction may last 20 years, whilst another may last a lifetime. others may be shorter in duration and significance. this is often why, when unobstructed, we feel a joy that surpasses what we are able to imagine. this is what we did last weekend.

Healing Elaine® pop-up: Saturday February 16th 2019

hi all,

the inspiration behind this pop-up comes on the heels of a conversation I had tonight with someone who I feel is a special soul. I have never met her before, but her heart and sincerity spoke to me after she left a message inquiring about sessions etc., and mentioned that she has been ruminating on making the call for an entire year. so, this event is in partial thanks to her!

it has been a long minute since I have done any kind of pop-up either in session form or workshop form — there are several reasons, which you may read about in previous posts.

tonight, after speaking with this one person, I have not only the inspiration (hey, this doesn’t completely come from me — it comes from another place, one that feels divine and one that I trust with every single decision I ever make about my work), but have figured out the timing to schedule a pop-up offering. the in-person session I am offering for this pop-up will be extremely abbreviated compared to my traditional session, and it will be followed by remote work. details will be given via phone and then email (once scheduled), and spaces will be limited per the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day. the location will be the Columbus Circle area.

to inquire, please familiarize with my blog, and the different sections on the site i.e. the About section. if you have not read the pre requisite books (see the About section please), please order them or familiarize with some of the content in them and/or in addition, my eBooklets located on the Shop page. I will also note that this particular pop-up offering is available to past patients if they so please! (I can feel you as I type!)

as always, I am a fan of working with really kind people who understand my work as much as they want a session…I look forward to hearing from you, and if I do not call you back, it is simply because I am fully booked.

have a wonderful weekend!

Healing Elaine® remote sessions offering (& general updates for 2019)

as we glide into 2019, I have been reflecting on all of the amazing people I have met and had the sincerest pleasure of working with on soul and outer-world levels. I have posted some updates about my 2019 forecast, as I continue to feel connected to you and I often think about / am asked “what happens next?” in terms of my personal transitions and how that will relate to how we stay in contact as I expand in my endeavors / purpose.

this week I received a number of reach-outs from folks from the past asking for continued connection – I always search for ways to bridge that gap, and sometimes I stumble with making down-the-road commitments due to the rapid change with my life experiences. that said, I have decided to do the unthinkable: plan ahead, with those of you from the past I have already worked with. next year, as I’ve stated in my blog and on my social media and to many of you, looks completely different for me. it is a year of the work that I have done behind bolted doors being seen and prepped to be seen on a larger scale. it is a year of flushing out, in real-time and with proper coverage, my programs that will engage the public in a way that helps people to better understand and benefit from the intangible world. specifically: my focus is the occasional SLS™, my TEM®, and my PE™. since I am finally developing a “structure” as to what my focuses will be, it is also allowing me to understand more of what my “schedule” will look like…

for the past decade I have lived and worked in 100% present-tense mode; anyone who knows me, knows that I would never book anything beyond just a few days. there were MANY reasons for this, which I won’t go into here. and while that worked wonders for the manner in which I was working, I am moving into a time and space in which I will be able to more clearly delegate time and energy. so for the first time ever, I am offering, in advance, remote sessions to a number of you whom I have worked with in the past. here are the details regarding those remote sessions:

up to 2 remote sessions are available per person and they will be booked this week only. they can be used at any point during 2019, with no expiration date. this will allow for you to do what we have always done, which is “feel it out” as to when and why you might need one. the turnaround for the remotes will be quick, considering I have (for once) an idea as to how I will organize my time. since I will only be able to offer a limited number of these remote sessions, there will be one of two ways that booking will happen or potentially happen; we book 1 or 2 remote sessions this week, or if I am at capacity you can reach out down the road to check availability. I won’t over-commit, so if I am at capacity with remote sessions for 2019 as early as this week, I invite you to continue to check in via voicemail only ( 646 470 1178 ) on the business line. if I don’t call you back, it just means there is not availability. you may keep checking back with me as often as you like, though; don’t worry, I will not be annoyed. I am doing this mainly to stay connected to you and to also continue to be a resource in a practical way — as well as invite you alongside my journey of many new things next year!

considering today and this week is a holiday for many, I have decided that today and tomorrow only, I will offer something special to anyone who decides to make a move with booking a remote session or sessions.

for those of you who have been either out of the loop with how my remotes operate, or you have forgotten, here is the structure with perhaps some refinements since we last spoke: they are 2.5 hours total, each. you already know the drill, so I won’t post about our trade secrets here! the above stated time will also include an in-depth phone call to address the nature of the remote session, and so forth. the goal, as always, is to clear up and clean up what needs to be managed in order for you to live your best life.

I have been thinking of ways to offer the above for many months. maybe even years. however due to my scheduling and way of working up until this point, it didn’t seem to fit. I am glad it’s become clear as to how to make this work now, and I am excited to be able to feel the connectivity to all of you who have been integral in building HE™ and all that it represents. we are going places…

to iterate, this remote session service is available only to those I have already worked with. my structure is also such that an in-depth in person must precede a remote session so that it is as effective and efficient as possible. yes, I realize that if I were running this like more of a “business” for profit, I would just book with everyone who rang, and offer remote sessions — but I do not feel that I would be ultimately doing them a real service without having the opportunity to go in-depth and work the way that I know I am capable of working which best assists people. so this is where we are. remote sessions for former patients. I am not sure as to the volume of requests that will come in today or this week, but I will take them as they come and pre-schedule (again with flexible timing per your personal needs!) up to 2 remotes maximum per person. that said, with my work, there is also ALWAYS a cosmic flow, so I have an idea as to what I can handle and what the busier times will look like. when I am at capacity, I will wait to return your call only due to timing (of course I want to work with you), and ask that you ring back at your leisure (weekly, monthly, whatever) to see if there is time available.

I think about all of the transitions that have happened this year in order to set up 2019 and especially 2020. there are not words to even describe my excitement, and believe me when I tell you that I have gone through the ringer and back to get to where I am and where I am headed. I picture in my mind the places and spaces I will be in next year, and how wonderful it will feel to connect to you during being in those new places and spaces, and remember how it all began. I want you to know how important you are to me and I want to include you in everything that is up and coming. you are truly a different soul group and my gratitude for meeting and working with you can not be summed up in words. when I was going through this last most recent personal transition this year, and seeing what is next, I felt a real sense of sadness and death around “leaving behind” my work. now, I have found a way to incorporate the past into the future without having to do that.

if you are a new person who has never seen me and you are reading this, feel free to poke through my website and look at the different services. I won’t be offering traditional sessions anymore, but there will be potentials such as an overseas workshop that will likely happen next Summer, and also public events TBA. as you read through my website, you will also see that I started this practice in complete hiding — totally contracted. I prepped for years, in a contraction, in order to one day expand. now, I am contracting again, but in a different way — to truly expand in the physical world. I realize that some may interpret these words as cryptic, but those of you who know me know exactly what I am talking about. this is why my website has been so important to me since everything is time-stamped. everything is connected and connecting to a much larger picture which is taking shape more and more every day.

so, I invite you to book your remote session(s) with me today or tomorrow. or this week. and if I do not call you back, it is only due to scheduling and availability as already explained in this post — please try me again at a later time. please know that I have tremendous care and gratitude for you and that I am thinking of you. happy holidays everyone, and happy new year.

where we are at right now (energetically), individually and collectively

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

the old door has closed. the new door hasn’t opened. this has a lot of us feeling very WTF!!! (probably an understatement).

being caught, metaphorically (but it can feel literal), between two doors is some super uncomfortable shit. we try to go back to our old ways, our old beliefs, our old fears, our old life…and life just isn’t having it for us.

not everyone will make it through. it all depends upon how much we are willing to surrender to things that we are not certain about, in order to change ourselves to accommodate the new earth energy that has come through to support us and our consciousness. by the way, consciousness extends to EVERYTHING in our life – our relationships, our physical reality, and the thoughts and feelings that produce those things.

so, what is it that we are not certain about? we are not certain that our “new” (what lies behind the new door) thoughts and feelings will support us. because how would we know that they will, beyond blind faith?

it’s funny how we trust the unseen in many ways — like via technology. we turn on a light or a phone and communicate that way. but when it comes to our own computer, our own body and mind, we question the nature of our spirit as it relates to the “future” because we don’t have a tangible item to hold to control. and this is all about control…

when we truly release control, we feel as though we are dying. because in a sense, we are. but back to that feeling — like we are dying. it’s a real feeling when we are no longer allowed to access our old ways of being. and so we sit in limbo. we will sit in between the two doors — because both can NOT be opened at the same time — and we suffer. we rage. we complain. we repeat the same patterns. and they don’t work. we use force, “magic potions” and all kinds of bullshit to try and cheat the universe…and yet they either do not work at all or they severely backfire. and then we sit. again. alone in the room. either with all of the money in the world, or none of the money in the world, sweating and stressing over bills and basic logistics, and it is ALL the same. we are still stuck between two doors, and nothing material can change the state.

everyone’s time between these two very LOUD and present doors is different. collectively, it’s probably a 6-month to 1-year hold as far as I see it. individually, it can shadow or teeter on one side or the other of that time period. but it is not a mistake that “everyone” feels like shit is hitting the fan at the same time. we are all being asked to be different. there is no hierarchy in spiritual growth. no one escapes it. all things are relative. no gurus can escape it. no non-believers can escape it. what we do with it is irrelevant to the fact that it will sit there until we allow….”it” is the boiling hot or freezing cold temperature between the two doors, and “allow” is what we decide to stop grabbing for in order to feel cooler or warmer.

if you haven’t figured it out by now, we are all connected. everything that we do to another we only really do to our own self. some of us will never figure that piece out, and that’s fine. it’s called contrast and we need it in order to expand. there is nothing in my life that I have built that did not come from extreme pain aka contrast. that said, yes we are all connected, and no we are not all energetically or consciously equal. this part is the part that separates us from certain group-think, friendships or relationships that we have had our entire lives, jobs, and so on. we are a mosaic and all shifting in equal but RELATIVE terms. there is no one who has it easier than the next. and the next time you go to “wish” you were xyz person, think again — because you just might get the challenges that accompany them on their “lucky” journey and then you might actually have a HUGE problem because it’s not what you bargained for. we don’t see what is actually there, rather we only see what we are “not”, relative to our own potential.

it’s been a really painful time for so many people lately. and it’s because we are collectively stuck in between two doors. some of us are still trying to open the old one, and some of us have our hand on the new one, accepting that the old one will never again open. this year, I went through a real death of self when I tossed my work space out the window. it was a space that I built more than half a decade ago, and many healings took place there. experiences that I will never forget. I had identified, like we all do, with what I was doing — constant healings. around the clock. even if I worked with just one person a week or one person a month, they were with me for many months. I was in contact with them for countless hours, both in person and virtually. I was accustomed to what I WAS…which was a routine, an identity, a duty, a life. I do tend to live in the moment, and so “easing” into my next steps (= dreams and purpose) wasn’t really on my radar. well, that’s not the way that the universe likes to do things for me anyhow. the universe likes to put me in really impossible situations (why I love working with mystery illness issues and fertility issues! I love the thrill of possibly solving them!) to see how I will climb out of them. and the thing that I do know about myself, is that I always use integrity. and it is integrity alone that “gets me out” of my old or outgrown worlds. for more on that part (thoughts on integrity), read my earlier posts. when I realized that I was being cut off from scaling my work and my business because it was not sustainable to my energy, it was the end of 2017. and it just kept changing toward what I have always wanted, but wasn’t sure how to “get” to. what I wanted is written throughout this entire blog. but in order to “get” there, the universe had to murder my identity. this meant taking fewer sessions. seeing fewer people. dragging me away, in a certain format, from what I “love”. so that I could open a new door(s).

losing this perceived identity was hard. you might be thinking “what are you talking about, you are still a healer…”…well I am talking about the daily minutia. because THIS is where the real change occurs. I’m not talking about the kind of identity change or life change that happens overnight. it’s the daily everything that is coated with everything behind the old door. we can not possibly outsmart the process between the two doors, or “plan” for it. this is why most people sit at a 9-5 and fantasize about what it might be like to have fame or money or work for themselves…it (the ability to change, to have something different) is all in the minutia. and the minutia is addictive.

I’m not sure exactly when this next “door” is done opening for everyone (and the door is certainly relative to someone’s life path and how they have used their free will — feel free to read my eBooklet on the physics of karma), but we are in a collective motion. which means we are each grappling with what it all means, regardless of where we are headed. I feel that the next year is going to produce seemingly “overnight” positive changes and success for those who have been working toward goals for many years. as always, nothing sustainable is built overnight (so don’t get me started on social media – those who don’t understand sustainability are in for a shock over this next period of time). and so all that has been worked for behind the scenes, mostly in the inner world of an individual, for what possibly feels like an eternity for many people, is the next door. I know what my door feels like. I’ve had my hand on it for about a year now. and I know that what lies behind it is magic. this comes in the face of some of the most exaggerated contrast you might imagine would oppose magic. but hey, there’s my relativity. do you want it? probably not.

if you are trapped between your two doors, and you have taken your hand off of the old one, just sit there. in the hot, or in the cold, or whatever miserable temperatures have been handed to you as conditions for what you are internally acquiring for your next steps which are behind the new door. just sit there. when the internal and external aspects of your life have been ripened with different temperatures, you will, simply by the very nature of being a live being, put your hand on the new door. if you don’t have all of the answers or maybe you don’t even resonate with this post at all, know that you have two fundamental choices: enter an old world (impossible), or brave the storm that precedes the new world (door).


Healing Elaine® in The New York Post – thank yous, thoughts & (significant) edits

candid and untouched, unfiltered Apple phone photo by Anita Saini

amazing shirt (yes the lime is part of it!) by Samantha Pleet

so first I will comment on my past decisions to completely avoid press, and take very few opportunities or offers for such regarding my work. I waited a number of years before I let anyone talk about my work, because at the time (and even now, despite the sudden and overnight and totally rampant TREND of “healing” and “psychic” in the last two years) it was considered “crazy”. in fact, I didn’t know what to call my work, so when I first started consulting and helping people I just called it “reiki” to make things easy. the truth was and is, reiki doesn’t even touch upon what I do. to read about what it is that I actually do, look through the testimonials listed on the testimonial page and read through this blog. there aren’t many words to encapsulate what has occurred, and what continues to occur, when I pour my heart, experience, intuition and expertise into an individual, their family, and their business. so, it was my choice to first build my arsenal of irrefutable and empirical evidence surrounding my work with fertility (nearly one dozen babies were born last year in 2017, some to women who were told they medically could not conceive), medical mysteries solved (countless cases have been solved, and countless cases are still prepping to be told – let’s reserve the good stuff for later though), and problems that many people had not been able to solve before our work together. since I fully understand the “woo woo” and “crazy” aspects of people who claim to be healers and psychics (just read my blog to hear my perspective), I braced myself for the feedback or backlash that I feared I would receive early on. thankfully, I didn’t receive any. I kept my head down, worked upwards of 100+ hours per week, and dedicated the past decade of my life to helping people solve problems they had not been able to otherwise solve. I loved and love this work. it is my heart. and it wasn’t something that I was going to allow to be butchered, skewed, or misinterpreted early on by risking press. and to be fair, I totally understand why the press often laughs at all things unseen. I have been that person myself a number of times, too.

last year, someone reached out and wrote a beautiful article about me in Forbes. it was really great because Forbes was actually at the top of my list of outlets I was willing and excited to speak with. the writer is an amazing person who didn’t know me from Adam prior, and she let me cold read her and her life before she took my interview. the whole experience, start to finish, was a pleasure. to date, it is the most accurate and objective piece written about me and I am so grateful for it. because generally, “the news” doesn’t want to hear good things…in fact I think we are allergic to good news…we like the controversy…I will admit that once upon a few times, late at night when I can’t sleep, I check a certain person’s twitter account to entertain myself. I spent the last couple of years subsequently dodging press, mostly because I did not feel confident with the “team” I had around me. it wasn’t a stable team and I didn’t feel protected. in addition, I started to learn that many people’s allergy to the notion of what someone like me does, which is true and authentic work, was a real thing. for example last Summer I got a call from a very famous person’s publicist. she asked me if I could come to her event where the Conde Nast editors would be for the fashion magazines. they wanted a “healer” who could bring “crystals” and give “readings” to editors and friends of the celebrity. I very much appreciated the reach-out, I adore the celebrity they reached out for, and I also let her “people” know how I work — specifically that I would not be able to “play the game”, to be fluffy or fake, and that if someone asked me a question, I would tell them the truth. that, of course, was a deal-breaker. she told me point-blank over the phone and still in my notebook from that conversation “ok to be honest with you, what we really want is a fake healer to just bring crystals and tell people good things”. and mostly, this is what sells – fluff. and that’s cool…it’s just, that’s not what I am/do. fast-forward, and the “fake healer” they invited to that event now has her whole own website. with almost all of the same services I offer – how curious! we shall see how quickly “energy work and kids” pops up on people’s/healers radars, now that that is “out there”, too.

as this year of 2018 started to close out, and I focused on two programs I started working on last year — The Energy Mavericks™ (TEM) and Pediatric Energy™ (PE), I opened my mind to press. when my assistant caught a call from The New York Post, I listened to the voicemail and felt really good about the writer. I think she’s a hard worker, smart, quirky, genuine, and does her job — she works for the Post. the energy was really great chatting with her, and I know there is a reason I took that call. she seemed to “get it” during our conversation. her piece, she said, was on kids and wellness. and, I think she’s onto a good new topic! that said, I didn’t and don’t know of anyone else who practices or promotes energy work with children, so I was open to “breaking open a new subject”. it’s something no one else covered before — until my story leaked in the meantime (my article was delayed 3 weeks), and this one “broke” instead. kind of surprising someone scooped up the “scoop”, but not really. all in all, I felt pleasant about the way the writer and editor portrayed the healers in this particular article…mostly as credible, good people. and, the photos were nice…

we (The New York Post and I) scheduled a photo shoot for November 4th, and I gathered some kids I had never worked on before at a center I thought could also benefit from the press as a tie-in — they have a children’s program. not energy work or reiki, but they support kids and I felt that they supported me too. the photographer, noted in my upcoming article link, was a fun and nice guy. I really enjoyed the afternoon with him! plus, the photos he showed me on his camera at the shoot were GREAT! I was sure that I would be happy with whatever photo they chose, and I was excited for the article (in whatever form it came). then came the article…

so, it’s The New York Post. I’ll start there, because everyone knows that the Post is a fun and often salacious news outlet. it’s the outlet that we all go to for entertainment, a laugh, and a fun way to pass part of our Sunday. a patient of mine actually sent me my article link — her husband is a religious Post reader! I didn’t expect a serious article to come for me, and because the team over there was so great, I knew that whatever it was would be positive. that said, allow me to make a few very important edits and corrections to the article: my lawyer is trademarking my program name Pediatric Energy™, not me; I have an entire legal team I have had for years, because I take my work seriously. next, I can’t remember the last time I used the word “monster”; the quote in there, about me calling children energy monsters, is not mine. what I have said, however, is that children nowadays are like much newer modeled cars who often need different fuel than we are accustomed to — with dispositions and diagnoses like autism and the like, for which I have spent countless hours consulting on with parents of children who desperately want to understand their child. I have a great sensitivity for children having opportunities to see themselves as autonomous, loving beings, because it is not an opportunity I ever had as a child. finally, let’s talk about the photo in the article…it’s not my face. I guess I should consider it a compliment that my face and eyes, specifically, would be retouched to actually make me look worse. again, as many of my friends who saw the article and barely recognized me said, “Elaine, it’s THE POST!”. ha. ok. I get it. but…I also don’t know anyone on this planet who is ok with anything less than accurate representation of themselves. plus, in the context of this article (I don’t mind that they played devil’s advocate for both perspectives on healing and wellness for kids…I actually like the spunk of the writer and the outlet in general), it’s important that I don’t look like a total creep. thankfully I remembered to wear my fake wedding ring in the event I did look like a creep…I think it takes away some potential creepiness. and I do look like a creep – from the drawn-in circles under and around my eyes, to the change of my actual face shape along with lines on my neck.

see exhibits A through E, below

The New York Post’s version of my face

The New York Post’s version of my eyes – what happened to my cat eyelashes anyhow?

not sure what is happening here either

the actual version of my face, taken an hour later at dinner

three hours later, taken at Ludlow House as we were getting kicked out for taking photos and loitering after hours

since I’m an actual human being, my image is important to me. for the record, I don’t believe in the retouching of photos I have control over. unless the photographer insists, as it is, after all, their art. why wipe away what’s real and true? oh, and if you have questions about what “work” I’ve done to my face, go ahead and read my post on aging and plastic surgery! you might be surprised at the truth. and of course I asked the Post for a retraction of my “quotes”, and a swap for a normal photo. of course it’s “policy” to not change anything. but for the sake of explaining how EASY it can be for ANY news outlet to impact our perception of a person, their business, and their entire life, I present this article and details in my own “post”. anyone who knows me well actually contacted me in shock over the image of me, in general, that was portrayed in this article. and while I was initially disappointed — actually, I believe I used the word “devastated” as I emailed the writer — I believe only good things can come from this article. and, I appreciate very much the awareness that it is bringing to my PE program!

so, thank you to Lauren Steussy and The New York Post and your editor, for giving me a little jolt before the end of the year. I would love to work with you again, I’ll probably just request approval on quotes and photos!

here is the article link I speak of, and feel free to check out my Pediatric Energy™ initiative located in the services section of my Healing Elaine® website: https://nypost.com/2018/11/30/inside-the-pricy-controversial-world-of-kiddie-wellness/