here is how the butterfly effect of abuse finally cycles out, with one last death grip

photo by Pia Oyarzun / @madeinwater

all energy is connected. think of a spider web. it is all one piece, but it appears to take many different shapes and designs. it is like an entire Universe, woven in infinite directions at different times. but it is all…one.

before I get deep into the meat and potatoes of this post, let me preface it like this. many times upon a time, I’ve treated patients who come from extreme abuse. it has always started in the family, and then extended out (like a web) to other directions in their lives. often, if the abuse is either repressed (via amnesia, the brain’s defense mechanism – and no, you can’t be “smart enough” to beat amnesia as it serves to save our lives) or only occurred one or two serious times, the person will still be in contact with their abusers with various intellectual justifications. then, they will go about their life, their work, their whatever, and wonder why the same patterns keep coming up. this is part one of recognizing the butterfly effect of abuse — recognizing that something is wrong, that life keeps repeating a specific cycle around an abusive theme. it will show up primarily in intimate relationships, but then in work, social, and other areas — particularly health. I am not suggesting that all who have health issues are abused or have been abused. I am stating that when we are, and it goes unaddressed, it shows up in our health. when I have treated these cases, the first thing that I will see and feel before I even meet them or know anything about them whether I want to know or not, is the root. it invades my mind, my body, and my entire being. everything surrounding that person and their experience will enter my body. this is not something I try to do, train for, and it’s certainly nothing I have consciously asked for. upon meeting the individual, at some point they will share with me their “current” outer world issue. and it is ALWAYS, without fail, connected to the spore that showed up for me prior to meeting them. this is when we start to fill in the blanks…

in some cases, a person is just coming to terms with the spore for the first time. in other cases, they have done 20 years of therapy and never made the appropriate connections to past and present — because they do not make “logical” sense. in other words, the spider web has been woven so big, for so long, that tracing connective meridian lines and cognitive algorithms back to the spore is nearly impossible. and so we work on this. as we do this, my body has already shared with me the fact that the spore — the very root and cause, evading this person and their “current” problems — is weakening. this manifests differently in my body, both before, during and after the session and our continued conversations and work. I am explaining this aspect to paint the picture of the butterfly — or spider, I should probably call it! — effect of abuse. for the sake of this post and specific topic, I am covering abuse versus energy as a whole. yet energy will be the overarching point.

as I move through various phases of explanation and understanding with an individual, and they see the connection between the spore and their current difficulty that they could not make a connection to — because it is not obvious, “logical” or visible to most — we both witness something. the spore, the very birth of the challenge, abuse, and the individual that it is connected to, begins to…lose its/their grip. since its/their life force was born from a place of darkness, negativity, control or otherwise said abuse, and this is being brought to light, it and they scramble for oxygen. sometimes and actually quite often, multiple individuals — even those who witnessed first-hand the abuse but covered it up — are impacted by the weakening of this dark spore…

for example. I once treated an individual who was connected to an oxygen device for many years. they could not function without it. their “health condition” / diagnosis was mild, but it was indeed a classic diagnosis. again: they could not function without this oxygen device in their presence. prior to their session with me, and within hours of booking them, I became extremely ill. I knew nothing about them. I just knew that they “got it”, meaning they would understand the mechanics of energy and physics, they had read both of my pre requisite books, and that due to that, they were “right” for my session — that they would have a chance to heal. within 12 hours of booking them, my entire body shut down. I had trouble breathing, and I was convinced I had an odd bronchitis or pneumonia. since this type of thing has happened to me so many times in the past, I didn’t cancel the session. but, I did consider it…

the day of the session, which was just under 48 hours after I booked them and fell “ill”, I was almost immobile. this was the first time in my life that I considered canceling a session for health reasons. but something told me to wait. I understood that I was being used as a vessel, and that I would understand more soon. about one hour prior to their session with me, and many, many salt baths and sleeping, I felt…fine. I knew I needed to take extra care of myself after the session, but I was given the green light to do it. this person — who was lovely, by the way — showed up and we worked. in tandem with all of the physical things that happened to me prior to meeting them, I felt very deeply the spore of whatever their xyz problems were. now remember, I had no idea why they were seeing me, it is one of my rules before I meet someone as I do not ever want logic to interfere with what I *know*. within a short time of speaking, and before I even fully addressed my physical state prior to the session, which I always do in order to explain how energy moves, I mentioned the individual who was the SPORE, connected to their modern-day “problems”. they looked at me in a daze, and then told me something that they have never told anyone before. this always happens in sessions. and it has to. and once it does, once someone speaks, there is no more darkness surrounding their past abuse. even if I am the only person who knows of it, and that is fine, it is no longer in the dark. and when it is no longer in the dark, the spore…weakens…

when they mentioned to me the thing that they never told anyone before, something they were afraid to admit to themselves, we spoke about their physical diagnosis which they also shared with me (literally and figuratively). immediately they understood the connection to their need for an oxygen device, and it was a watershed moment nearly for both of us. it is always nearly unbelievable to me — and it would actually BE unbelievable to me if it were not the case that it happens TO me — how past abuse and the present conditions of a person’s life are connected. it just. never. fails.

anyhow, to make a very long and interesting story short, this person never needed their oxygen device again. the reason for this is 1) we brought light to the spore of abuse that literally took their breath away, and the person who did it, and 2) they took action — mostly on the spiritual plane, but also on the tangible plane — to disconnect from this individual. 3) they didn’t waver or regress.

when we have been abused, and whether and how we remember it or not, what brings us to the point of needing something like an oxygen device for many years, or some other debilitating or just frankly annoying dependency that interferes with our life, is the fact that we can not seem to connect points A and Z. in between is the spider web. at the spore is the creature that creates the butterfly effect so that that energy and everything that matches it reverberates out and out and out…to the point where we don’t recall how it began. we wait until there is no diagnosis left or therapist left to explain to us “why” xyz is still happening. and then, if we are open to understanding how energy and the physics of it works, we will begin to dismantle the spore…

which brings me more into the heart, the meat and potatoes of this post. so take me, for example. I have made many strides and steps forward in terms of eliminating abuse from my life. I consider myself strong and proactive and I will not sit around and blame the world for things that happen to me. that said, the butterfly effect was still very pronounced for me, even years after I cut out the abuse. and let’s be clear about defining abuse: when a person is sick, disordered, actively abusive, and they will not acknowledge or remedy it and they make everything about them your fault, that is abuse. the only option is to get away, or you will go down with them. anyhow, I noticed the butterfly effect in my life for quite a while. of course I went to therapy, continued much self-work and analysis, really took care of my physical and spiritual health, and generally tried to be the best version of myself that I could be…yet I wondered why these butterfly effect situations kept popping up. was I choosing them? or was the spore of the darkness of my abuse gripping on for dear life? yes, it was the latter. mostly.

when we let go of something — cut it out, even blessing it with love as we cut it out — it takes time to lose its power. as it is attempting EVERYTHING in its power to survive (remember: it got its breath from abusing someone, not from loving someone), it will cling ONTO and THROUGH any person (vessel – yes, we are humans, we are also in tangible 3d form just like a computer and we all emit signals!) to get to us. as darkness gets its oxygen from light, it will attempt to navigate anything and anyone to reach us, if it has depended upon us its entire life for breath (life). when this happens, it will unconsciously (energetically!) pursue anything and anyone around us that is slightly porous, or slightly resembles a match to that dark spore energy. we can not be smart enough to spot it at first, and especially if we have been abused, we will overlook telltale obvious signs. it does this to find a way to survive with us, in us, as long as possible. until…we are able to dismantle the reverberation.

now, the reverberation lives inside anyone or anything that resembles the dark spore that will allow it in. it is tricky. it might look nice. if we are trapped in ego (hello, Hollywood people!), we will go with the flashy and ignore the gut. we will be deceived until we can recognize ENERGY — PEOPLE — not images. anyhow, I digress slightly… as we grow spiritually and psychologically (hence morally and intellectually and cognitively), we will begin to recognize the reverberations or butterfly effects of the spore of darkness we once battled — and this is only assuming that we cut out the dark spore, or dealt with it, to begin with! do you see why so many people are sick and suffering? there are so many layers to this…

so back to my personal example. over recent years as I seemed to “miss” signals, or whatever in terms of where this darkness might live and within whom, I always learned a new lesson. it seemed, though, that I would never stop being deceived. I began to realize that it just takes time, after you exterminate a basement, for all of the roaches to come out and die. it’s just time. it’s not our fault or responsibility to catch every single roach, because the reverberation of the extermination can just take time. as I began to witness my own life and how certain people in it were still mirroring the vibration of certain people and things in my past, I began to see something new: I saw the spores of energy of the darkness matching the situations at hand. and then I saw this: once the reverberations were done, once the final roaches were done vacating the premises, I was approaching a space in which I had never before lived: safety and protection. it took a lot to get there and it was not all psychological. some of these tests were so difficult and so insidious, and took a year or two to solve. a recent test took me a full year. and I realized that one of the only missing links besides just TIME, was my fear of killing that spore roach. something inside of me still felt badly and protective over the dark spore and past abuse/r.

I had to sit down and recall all of the times that my life was in jeopardy and I didn’t say anything as a child. I had to recall all of the times that I was never, ever protected, and the fear that came along with speaking up and saying the truth. I had to think about how I was made to feel guilty and pay for other people’s mistakes. and I had to really converse with myself on these matters, at least all of the ones that I could remember, in order to kill the “current” situations at hand that mirrored spores of the past. I had to be willing to put an abuser in their place instead of letting them feed from my core. the past and the present began to blend together in a strange way. the pull that I felt to protecting my abuser/s was and is still at times, intense. I had to confront the fear of retaliation for speaking up FULLY now, and allow myself to know that it isn’t the same as being a small child with no protection and the threat of life on all levels — physical, psychological and spiritual — involved. if I could truly do this, perhaps this would weaken the spore. and then…I felt guilty for weakening the spore…and I will explain why…

when I have worked with cases of extreme abuse, I have seen something each time. the abuser suffers immediately after a session. this is never intentional, and certainly not something I want to happen no matter what the offense. but by the law of physics, you can’t take back your light and share it at the same time. you can’t control how someone else is made. if they have gotten their breath from your body mind and or spirit, and they refuse to come from a place of light or replace their darkness with light, yes, they will feel the loss of the oxygen that is you. let me be clear: that which IS, you, is yours. not anyone else’s. you do not owe your breath to darkness just because it has always been that way. and so, I had to contend with the fact that I knew, that if I were to do what was right for me, by the law of physics, the spore of darkness/abuse that I endured would suffer. and it was the same fear I had when I was small, and I could not speak up — because I knew it would weaken them. and I was a child. I still needed to be taken care of. but, how far was that getting me as an adult now? the guilt started to fade into the desire to be entitled to ME – my actual self. nothing more and nothing less…

I thought back to a male stalker (a Doctor, to boot) who pursued me for ridiculous things to help his business, a man in a wheelchair who sexually harassed me nonstop for a year, and other decrepid humans who felt entitled to me, just because. I had the opportunity to put both of them in jail, and I did not. as I sat with a detective in one case, he said to me: if you allow us to arrest him, he can’t come after you again. instead, I just felt too guilty. this was less than a decade ago. I was just too conditioned and afraid of very old consequences that came with defending myself. my point in saying this is not that I am a victim, because I am not, and no I do not even resonate with that word. also, no, I never dated any of these people, thank God. I’ve dated mostly very nice men, so something cosmically and ironically has looked out for me on that front despite all other patterns. the situations that I have attracted or — rather that have followed me — though, have been angry, controlling, bitter men. gay, straight, handicapped, it doesn’t matter. the energy of aggression and fear has been part of this butterfly effect, before and after I made concrete decisions to cut what I could cut consciously and tangibly from my life.

recently I went through something that was so over the top, it is almost too unbelievable to talk about. last year, I also went through something equally unbelievable and criminal. both with men. one I had never even met in my life. the other, I had hired briefly. when I thought about the facts involved, and how long this was able to continue for so long, I realized that each situation was the death grip of the tangible cut I made some years ago. they were and are butterfly effects of that very spore of darkness. the spore of abuse that I was accustomed to. and I do not regret any decisions I have made or not made along the way, and I was always doing the best that I could at the time. as soon as I know better…I do better. so with all of this said, being the peacenik that I am, I realized I had to, for once in my life, be an aggressor of action. the butterfly effect of the past had made its way into my sphere for one last hoorah, and I had to get over 1) knowing that the initial spore energy would lose its power and whatever happened to them is not my fault and 2) my fear of retaliation came from the mind’s eye of a tiny child who was conditioned with fear and 3) that this is the final spore of butterfly effect and reverberation energy I will likely ever have to deal with on this front.

as I think about all of this cumulatively, it is never about being perfect or “ending” bad things from happening; rather it is understanding how energy moves and shapeshifts in our lives. if we are still dealing with the SAME patterns, which may show up in MANY different and surprising and certainly deceiving forms, then we are connected to that spore energy. even if the spore in tangible form has been removed. there are so many steps involved in such a process, and instead of seeing it as a curse, I choose to see it as more knowledge and experience to use toward helping others. I also recognize that for me, personally, like someone stupidly once said to me, “this must just be (your) my time”. well, it’s my time because I said it would be my time. and, it is “my time” because I am equipped to help others do the same. it’s not about being talented or great, it is about passing the buck and empowering others to bring light to their lives so that they can have an easier day. or week. or year. or, whatever.

after this seeming last wormhole I am going through, I see that life will never be the same again. I’ve chosen safety over familiarity. though nothing is ever our fault when it comes to abuse, we are indeed rewarded when we can learn and be open to the intangible energy that speaks to us on levels that quantitative society does not understand or credit. psychology only goes so far. energy and physics go everywhere.

I often like to document the nuances of my life, yes often in cryptic form to bubble off other people who do not serve any purpose to be brought attention to on the human plane, so that as new events unfold and manifest, there is a track record that some people may look at and really connect to. also, if I didn’t document things in real-time, they may carry less significance hence revelation, later on. we are collectively in a revelatory space in which this information is important because across the board and in all industries the tangible is becoming less and less reliable. I hope this post makes sense to those of you who resonate with these subjects and notions, and I hope that my overarching message is seen as a journey and not a destination. we always do the best that we can in each new moment, bringing new awareness, and then the world around us takes shape – not the other way around.

here is how the butterfly effect of abuse finally cycles out. we become aware of the spore. we take action. we learn what a reverberation and butterfly effect is. we do our best. it keeps happening. we keep doing our best. and one day, when we feel like the cycle will never end, it does. with one last fading and unsuccessful slippery death grip.

yesterday my therapist and I figured out what my “problem” is. and here it is —

maybe I’m not like most people. maybe I’m not like a LOT of people. maybe I’m like no people. I don’t know. but since I was small, I forever wanted to know how I could be better. fixed. “normal”. I wanted to know how I could be a better person. I wanted, mostly, to know what was wrong with ME, because then maybe, just maybe, I could fix my surroundings. I know. heartbreaking. it brings tears up just writing this. but this is real. it’s how I spent my entire life. it is a lens that I still look through, and I fortunately now have other lenses for reference.

when I was in my 20s, I attended many alanon meetings. I remember one time, the group leader at the meeting was speaking about what HER addiction was. and I kept thinking, “what is mine?”. I had been to therapy (with seriously, some really defunct people, and a couple of good ones throughout that decade of my life) and they had asked me repeatedly “but what did you DO with all of that pain? what did you DO with that trauma?”. the looked desperately for a diagnosis for me and could never find one. I was never a cutter. I never had eating issues or body image disorder. I didn’t vomit or starve myself. I didn’t use drugs and I was not alcoholic. I did not sleep around. I had no personality disorder (though I desperately wanted one! because then I wouldn’t have to accept my reality and the others in it! because then I could actually FIX something!). as I sat in this one alanon meeting, I felt like a failure for not being able — once again as I felt all throughout my early years on this planet — to pinpoint my “problem”. I didn’t know what it was and it felt horrible. because if I could just have a diagnosis, or a tangible label, maybe I could work toward fixing stuff. but what stuff was I fixing? I remember leaving that alanon meeting and realizing what my addiction was…bending, breaking, doing all kinds of headstands that I could to fit what others wanted me to be. I unconsciously chose broken and sick people in my relationships so that I could prove I was broken. being around their brokenness was familiar territory, and it put me back into the old comfort zone of what my ego knew best: having my light dimmed, or dimming it enough to be broken enough to match another person. I was addicted to being less than, and then working out these issues in my intimate/romantic relationships. because I never chose a situation that was on par with my being. I didn’t know how. I was trained so beneath my actual value that I would go and match it in the real world, and then try to break myself further when it didn’t “work” – because obviously it didn’t match me on a core level. I was addicted to having something wrong with me. the problem was, that that was just the problem. and so I could not find a “real” problem. which perpetuated the problem.

at the end of my 20s, I decided to take a good, long break from relationships. I was always better on my own anyhow. I could go a year or two without dating, even celibate, with no issue. in fact, the longer I was alone and not entangled in an unbalanced romantic “partnership”, the higher I would begin to fly. until the pitfalls of my early life and training sucked me back into a paradigm that had nothing to do with me. and so I would repeat it again — to prove that I was damaged. so I spent a LOT of time alone. of course I saw all of my peers dating and sleeping around, and I wondered what was wrong with me sometimes, because it just wasn’t me. this time alone however, without the burden of someone else’s unsolved, unattended to, and honestly eternally unsolvable issues, was EVERYTHING. my life became stable. interesting…I removed the common denominator to the pitfalls of my life and being, and I was thriving again…

I saw a few more therapists. the one I liked the most at that time was murdered in her office one day. it was tragic. she was classy, supportive of me, and probably the second therapist since my move from out-of-state years prior, to tell me that I was not crazy: I was around crazy people. the PROBLEM was, I still didn’t believe that (the part about me being normal). I kept trying to prove that there was something wrong with me. and I unconsciously chose the worst people and situations to validate that. it was an old comfort zone, the only zone I ever knew. so, how could my mind or ego adrenaline even get itself around the fact that maybe there was another truth that I just could not connect to in the outer world? after all, somewhere, deep down, I did believe that therapist, and that is how I ended/escaped every relationship I ever had. I only saw my then-therapist 3 times before she was murdered. but sometimes, there are people who say something to us, and it just clicks. the source of the info is so important. she saw my truth. she clicked for me. but I still, myself, was not convinced on an unconscious or even fully conscious level…

as I entered my 30s, I still chose really bad people to be around. when I say “bad”, I mean those with bad intentions. users, social climbers, sociopaths even. of course I would realize who they were once situations went awry. I was not dating these kinds of people. I had ended serious and even casual dating in my 20s! so it began to show up in my day-to-day life as I began to build other things/businesses for myself. unconsciously, there I was, choosing some of the very worst people: so that I could prove that I had caused it. that I was responsible for their bad behavior. that I was the one who was unbalanced, not them. I basically unconsciously looked for any asshole I could find, and these assholes were absolutely fully unconscious as there was not a shred of self-reflection in their field, and I tried to help them or do them favors. things like getting them jobs, bringing them onto projects I was part of, joining projects they were doing, and so forth. even co-workers on little projects or a crappy retail job that I had. I kept attracting all of these users losers and plain clothed assholes. I resigned to the fact that again, it must just be me. if I kept attracting this, what did that say about me? again, I looked for my dysfunction. I went therapist hopping again. I found one out-of-state and she was really nice. but not nearly strong enough for me. she did not have the depth of insight that I needed. I felt perpetually lost and decided that I am just not a likeable person.

now, it’s not like I didn’t have friends and acquaintances during all of the above time. I had tons. too many, in fact. and, both at those times and in retrospect, of course I did: all I did was give. endlessly. like blood bleeding from a stone. of course people loved to be around me. I saw the best in everyone. I was a sociopath’s dream. I was a dream not only because I had no boundaries around my giving, but because I was trained to go against my instincts and straight into abuse, duality and danger. most of my “friends” at this time were not only fair-weathered, but they had no core true self. I began to become more and more isolated during this time and it actually felt good. it was around the time of many ego deaths and a death of self that I talk about in my eBooklets. one day a thought occurred to me, as my “best friend” at the time accused me of being selfish…LOL — she was THE most selfish person I have ever met, both in retrospect and I knew it at the time that she said it — the thought was “wait a minute, maybe my life has been inverted for me and I need to reverse everything I have ever thought about myself…what if, just for a few minutes a day, I meditate on the fact that there is nothing wrong with me?”. this seemed like a HUGE feat. and it was. it still is, and I will continue explaining why.

as I began to meditate on the above, which honestly seemed like a HUGE risk, I began to spend more and more time alone. this is around the time that I had been counseling people on the DL, and doing healing work for them, but I had not called it reiki nor had I come out of the closet with my healing practice. I basically began to see the correlation between my inner happiness and the fact that there was no one around me. I felt on one hand, amazing, but on the other, that maybe I could not spend my life in solitude, trusting no one. so I resolved to remain in solitude, and to slowly let people in eventually. after about a year or two of transition to the point where all I did was eat, sleep, do yoga, work and breathe ALONE 100% of the time, I met two ladies. one’s name is Megan. Megan is my dearest friend, a brilliant doctor who is also very empathic and can’t talk about much of what I do for work in her field. yes, the medical community is still like that. the other lady, her name is Vanessa. I met each of them about a year or so after my hiatus from society. I had been nearly a shut-in and I loved it. no one was giving me shit. I had either stopped communicating with or substantially cut down on engaging with ANYONE who made me feel bad. and I didn’t question it, and I didn’t question what MY problems were anymore, for the first time ever, at least not at the frequency that I had in the past, my entire life prior. so enter Megan and Vanessa…

Megan is someone I met at my yoga studio. at that time, I could not afford to go to yoga, so I was a work-study. she was also a work-study and I covered her shift. I don’t know how we ended up hanging out but we did. it was such a new experience. I remember one day, I was feeling down, and she just came over and sat on my bed with me. I had nothing to give to her. just my presence. and that was enough! that. was. enough. I couldn’t believe it. I thought “wow…is this what friendship is? no tit for tat, no measurement, no…judgement?”. that moment hit my gut like nothing else. it was one of my first social experiences with 100% acceptance. I knew right then and there that she was a lifer. I didn’t need to do a song and dance for her to like me, and I didn’t need to solve her problems. she didn’t need to show me off to her other friends and there was nothing outwardly or superficially important about me to her. she just wanted ME. we are friends to this day, even while she has spent the last 6 years working overseas with occasional NYC visits. actually, I think she is moving back soon…

also around the end of my hermit solitude phase (I still have them by the way, this phase was just simply marked with a brand new chapter, and nearly none of the old souls in my life carried over to this day), I also met Vanessa. Vanessa also happens to be a doctor! in fact, I met each of them while Megan was in medical school at NYU and Vanessa was applying for a medical program in AZ. one day, I was sitting in my then-favorite coffee shop where I spent a LOT of time thinking and writing (and getting hated on) and getting loved on. I offered to move one of my belongings for this young lady sitting near me and we locked eyes and began talking. that was it. she met me at the biggest transition ever, to date, of my life. it was similar to spending time with Megan: she wanted nothing from me but a true, soul connection. like Megan, sometimes she would come over and just listen to me, and give ME advice and support. like Megan, she was pure. devoid of jealousy, bitterness, comparisons, and anything similar. my body felt light and relaxed and I didn’t have to try to smile if I didn’t feel like it. any potential resting bitch face was not met with resistance or attitude. she just knew my soul and accepted and supported me. we are still in contact. she saw me transition from the throes of housing court and no food to having a thriving business that continues to expand every single week. she is genuinely happy for me. she did not feel inadequate when I posted about my excitement and success for my business when I came out of the closet over half a decade ago. she will probably read this and definitely give me the thumbs up.

the two women above, Megan and Vanessa, were instrumental in helping me to redefine my personal worth, identity, and NEW NORMAL. it is also not an accident that these were the energies present in my life when I came out of the closet with my work, with my actual name and photograph — because my practice has been nothing short of that same exact energy. my practice is the greatest blessing in my life (besides my cat). ha. my practice is everything, and even when I get scared about getting “bigger” and saying “yes” to being “out there” publicly, I know that nothing — nothing — can damage what it is. because it is me. my internal being. all of it. with all of this said, it became easier and easier for me to work on my “problem” — which was, figuring out what my “problem” is…

although my practice was and is the ultimate dream come true, something I give and take the ultimate form of inner peace from, I was still encountering pure assholes in my day-to-day life in acquaintanceships and people whom I kept trying to help. I write about the technical aspects of this in my eBooklet about why we are attacked. so I had totally licked the romantic part of my life, and the “never ever again” moment that I had in my 20s has never been again, but I was still coming up against old familiar responses in the general outer world. and, like a chicken-egg snafu, either choosing people or being chosen by people to help and then get stomped on. the old unconscious patterning of being convinced that it MUST be something that I was/am doing ensued again. and so last year, when I decided that because everything was going SO right in my life and I wanted support as I crescendoed — with a new therapist — I decided I would go back to addressing my “problem”: trying to find out what was wrong with me based on others’ reactions. you would think I would have had that figured out already, right?

well, in a sense I DID have it figured out. I DO have it figured out. I know this on a strictly intellectual level, and it doesn’t linger long when I’m in the “problem”. but it’s something that I would like to be rid of forever, and know FULLY on an emotional and even newly unconscious level. and recently I got there. and that is not easy, as my adrenaline has been running on the same fuel of BLAME and guilt since the day I was born.

over the past year, and this past year of 2017 specifically, something happened. not only did I begin therapy consistently, but I attracted more Megan’s and Vanessa’s — in my personal and career sector. nevermind my practice and my patients, that/those are DIVINE. but my ME life — what I want, where I want to go, who I am, etc. those who are helpful to reflecting back my core, my truth and my value. those who want to help ME, and see ME succeed. what also happened, as a compliment to having these NEW people around me, is that I had a healthy and powerful sounding board for my understanding of self and those entering my field. so when my lifelong “problem” popped up (I will tell you again below what it was/is!), there was an army of sound, sane, wonderful people around to keep me on track.

my “problem” has been a rather intense reaction from others. my entire life. it’s separate from me having been a rescuer or saver or God complex individual in romantic partnerships or past friendships. something that plagues me, nearly daily, is unwanted responses from others around me. these others are not usually strangers, but they are not always friends either. they are people I see on a regular basis in passing. who just can’t figure me out. and for some reason it’s important to them to figure me out. you know how it goes: people generally do not like what they can’t understand. they are also people/3rd parties that I meet as significant others or what not to people I have a connection to. or, they are acquaintances that I have tried to help and inspire. not friends, and not patients: but present enough to notice. in short: they just don’t like me. for no valid reason in particular (I’m finding out). my entire life, and up until this year, I have been hypervigilant to accommodate someone’s response before they respond (PTSD much?). I have been hypervigilant to smile, mirror, or do whatever so someone would not feel whatever it is they feel around me. I have been pathologically apologetic. to avoid my “problem” — other’s reactions. but we know that’s not been the real problem. the real problem is the fact that I still believed that there was something that I was doing to illicit said response or behavior from someone else. this was my glue. the ego adrenaline in my DNA that said “if you don’t blame yourself you will die”. because that is how I began and lived my entire life. and I am excellent at helping others through my work who have been in the same position. and I can explain it all intellectually, like any of us can, but living there full-time has been a challenge in terms of really, truly and 100% believing and feeling that my very presence is not defunct.

so yesterday when I went to therapy, I had like 5 real-time debbie downer examples to share with her about the insanity I was experiencing with other people as of late. I went in partially convinced, again, that I might need some fixing! I asked her – begged her – to tell me if I was haughty. or arrogant. or…something. anything. and however, even before the therapy session yesterday, I was already on the brink of full-breakthrough into the land of no more fucks given. so before I get into the appointment —

I had been walking with my gatekeeper, late at night before my latest therapy appointment, down the west village neighborhood blocks. I looked up at the sky and asked him to please tell me if I ever had a diva moment. I asked him if I ever appeared to be full of myself or rude or anything like that. he nearly laughed. “no”, he said. then, he told me something ground-breaking to my awareness as to what my “problem” is. we had recently been in an elevator, looking at new rental space for me. as we were going up to view the space, the real estate broker said to about six of us in the elevator “this is our prime unit. it will go incredibly fast”. my gatekeeper told me that I unconsciously — and that he knew it was unconscious — looked up from the email that I was sending, tilted my head (sans side-eye), and just looked at this broker with an awareness that he was full of shit. and then I went right back into my email. and he was right — I had no memory of my unconscious response. my bs radar was alive and well, even while I was engaged in another thought. I guess this type of active radar is obvious to others. well, the guy was totally full of shit and the unit was shit. so I guess I don’t mind my radar and I’m glad to know it is there, and this might possibly help to “explain” others’ responses to me. I will not apologize for my natural sense of truth and what my body does or signals around that.

back to my therapy appointment yesterday. there were so many examples as of late, of negative and unfair responses of others toward me (including those I have tried to help on a personal level — no good deed, y’all!!) that I was again in my old sickness, assuming “I did something”. or “I am this way and it needs fixing!”. so as I unloaded the 5 recent examples with my therapist, we went through every checklist possible and she spelled out what I already knew intellectually, cognitively, consciously: this is about other people. if you have read my other posts, you will see the very first thing she ever said to me on our very first day together, knowing absolutely nothing about me: “another person’s obsession with you has nothing to do with you”. pretty astute, ey? yeah, I found the right therapist.

and so all of the events leading up to this week in particular finally allowed me to unhinge that remaining 1% of me that still believes that it is ME who is affecting others, and responsible for their response: through forgetting to smile, through poor mirroring or whatever the Fuck it is people want from me. I think I have been pretty solid at being unapologetic now for a number of years, but my “problem” was still there, in the basement of my mind. and maybe it still is, in the tiniest fraction imaginable. but something broke this week, for good. I had too many people acting shitty toward me, again for no reason that I could fathom or figure out (and believe me, I tried, and asked) to ignore what I was supposed to learn: another person’s behavior has nothing to do with me.

the crux of all of the above was and is a survival based chemical inside of me. that is all. it is different for each of us. there are a lot of factors. too many to count how it manifests for each of us.

I asked my therapist for a full explanation as to my “problem” again, one that I have heard many times, and one that makes me vulnerable to share here, as to WHAT people respond to with me. and here is what she gave me. it’s nothing I didn’t already know, but maybe I fully accepted it recently. she told me that my “problem” is that I am transparent. that I can not lie. that my face and my body language can not lie. that my energy reflects back truth, like a child, and most people are not comfortable with the truth. this sounds a lot like my eBooklet about why we are attacked. but, just like a first-class therapist who goes home to her wife-beater husband every night, truth sinks in at different times and different levels. cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. I think I heard it in all spaces of myself this time. I thought about all of the people I see, in spaces like yoga studios and places where people are supposed to be “awake” and who just do not like me. and I hear about it. and see it. and feel it. and I do not have the energy to get them to like me. because I don’t know how to be fake. my “problem” is basically, bottom line, that I don’t know how to be fake. and my bullshit detector is naturally on over-drive, and I can’t fix it. I also can’t change whatever electromagnetic equation or signal my body or field put out to accommodate someone else’s personal sense of security, and I can’t make myself ugly enough for someone else to feel attractive. that, of course, is base-level 3d shit, but it does amaze me how people respond to physical appearance (I wish we were all blind, that would teach us a good lesson). I thought about the “friends” I hire for projects only to have them secretly resent my success and ghost me while trying to maintain relationships with MY hard-earned introductions. talk about hurtful, daggers to the heart. I thought about the spore of where all of these patterns, across the board, come from. and I decided to take a real risk: stop asking what I am doing wrong. stop analyzing, worrying and looking for a diagnosis in order to spare my conscious awareness of someone else’s deficits. I have to let them be what they are without looking inward anymore as to how I might be causing abc response. maybe I’m different, and, like my therapist said, I may never learn to lie or fake it with my energy field. and if that’s my problem, I do not want to fix it. I remain unapologetic for being the best person I know how to be, and letting others lose their shit if they can’t stand my truth. let them.

I write this from an open and (obviously) vulnerable space. as I write, my stomach feels queasy, because I am releasing lots of final threads of beliefs, feelings that accompany them, and the shitty people who have jumped on those threads of energy. I write this from a space of compassion for anyone else who doesn’t blend, can’t blend, doesn’t know how, and lives from a space of purity and non-judgement — only to be judged constantly by others. I write this from a space of advice, given my personal make-up: be willing to let people not like you — hate you, even. be willing for there to be something gravely wrong with you (there isn’t). be willing to, just for a moment, imagine that what I am saying is true. if you do it enough, you will step into a power few will ever know as humans.

my problem has been and is, thinking that I have one. that is my problem. what is yours?