here is how the butterfly effect of abuse finally cycles out, with one last death grip

photo by Pia Oyarzun / @madeinwater

all energy is connected. think of a spider web. it is all one piece, but it appears to take many different shapes and designs. it is like an entire Universe, woven in infinite directions at different times. but it is all…one.

before I get deep into the meat and potatoes of this post, let me preface it like this. many times upon a time, I’ve treated patients who come from extreme abuse. it has always started in the family, and then extended out (like a web) to other directions in their lives. often, if the abuse is either repressed (via amnesia, the brain’s defense mechanism – and no, you can’t be “smart enough” to beat amnesia as it serves to save our lives) or only occurred one or two serious times, the person will still be in contact with their abusers with various intellectual justifications. then, they will go about their life, their work, their whatever, and wonder why the same patterns keep coming up. this is part one of recognizing the butterfly effect of abuse — recognizing that something is wrong, that life keeps repeating a specific cycle around an abusive theme. it will show up primarily in intimate relationships, but then in work, social, and other areas — particularly health. I am not suggesting that all who have health issues are abused or have been abused. I am stating that when we are, and it goes unaddressed, it shows up in our health. when I have treated these cases, the first thing that I will see and feel before I even meet them or know anything about them whether I want to know or not, is the root. it invades my mind, my body, and my entire being. everything surrounding that person and their experience will enter my body. this is not something I try to do, train for, and it’s certainly nothing I have consciously asked for. upon meeting the individual, at some point they will share with me their “current” outer world issue. and it is ALWAYS, without fail, connected to the spore that showed up for me prior to meeting them. this is when we start to fill in the blanks…

in some cases, a person is just coming to terms with the spore for the first time. in other cases, they have done 20 years of therapy and never made the appropriate connections to past and present — because they do not make “logical” sense. in other words, the spider web has been woven so big, for so long, that tracing connective meridian lines and cognitive algorithms back to the spore is nearly impossible. and so we work on this. as we do this, my body has already shared with me the fact that the spore — the very root and cause, evading this person and their “current” problems — is weakening. this manifests differently in my body, both before, during and after the session and our continued conversations and work. I am explaining this aspect to paint the picture of the butterfly — or spider, I should probably call it! — effect of abuse. for the sake of this post and specific topic, I am covering abuse versus energy as a whole. yet energy will be the overarching point.

as I move through various phases of explanation and understanding with an individual, and they see the connection between the spore and their current difficulty that they could not make a connection to — because it is not obvious, “logical” or visible to most — we both witness something. the spore, the very birth of the challenge, abuse, and the individual that it is connected to, begins to…lose its/their grip. since its/their life force was born from a place of darkness, negativity, control or otherwise said abuse, and this is being brought to light, it and they scramble for oxygen. sometimes and actually quite often, multiple individuals — even those who witnessed first-hand the abuse but covered it up — are impacted by the weakening of this dark spore…

for example. I once treated an individual who was connected to an oxygen device for many years. they could not function without it. their “health condition” / diagnosis was mild, but it was indeed a classic diagnosis. again: they could not function without this oxygen device in their presence. prior to their session with me, and within hours of booking them, I became extremely ill. I knew nothing about them. I just knew that they “got it”, meaning they would understand the mechanics of energy and physics, they had read both of my pre requisite books, and that due to that, they were “right” for my session — that they would have a chance to heal. within 12 hours of booking them, my entire body shut down. I had trouble breathing, and I was convinced I had an odd bronchitis or pneumonia. since this type of thing has happened to me so many times in the past, I didn’t cancel the session. but, I did consider it…

the day of the session, which was just under 48 hours after I booked them and fell “ill”, I was almost immobile. this was the first time in my life that I considered canceling a session for health reasons. but something told me to wait. I understood that I was being used as a vessel, and that I would understand more soon. about one hour prior to their session with me, and many, many salt baths and sleeping, I felt…fine. I knew I needed to take extra care of myself after the session, but I was given the green light to do it. this person — who was lovely, by the way — showed up and we worked. in tandem with all of the physical things that happened to me prior to meeting them, I felt very deeply the spore of whatever their xyz problems were. now remember, I had no idea why they were seeing me, it is one of my rules before I meet someone as I do not ever want logic to interfere with what I *know*. within a short time of speaking, and before I even fully addressed my physical state prior to the session, which I always do in order to explain how energy moves, I mentioned the individual who was the SPORE, connected to their modern-day “problems”. they looked at me in a daze, and then told me something that they have never told anyone before. this always happens in sessions. and it has to. and once it does, once someone speaks, there is no more darkness surrounding their past abuse. even if I am the only person who knows of it, and that is fine, it is no longer in the dark. and when it is no longer in the dark, the spore…weakens…

when they mentioned to me the thing that they never told anyone before, something they were afraid to admit to themselves, we spoke about their physical diagnosis which they also shared with me (literally and figuratively). immediately they understood the connection to their need for an oxygen device, and it was a watershed moment nearly for both of us. it is always nearly unbelievable to me — and it would actually BE unbelievable to me if it were not the case that it happens TO me — how past abuse and the present conditions of a person’s life are connected. it just. never. fails.

anyhow, to make a very long and interesting story short, this person never needed their oxygen device again. the reason for this is 1) we brought light to the spore of abuse that literally took their breath away, and the person who did it, and 2) they took action — mostly on the spiritual plane, but also on the tangible plane — to disconnect from this individual. 3) they didn’t waver or regress.

when we have been abused, and whether and how we remember it or not, what brings us to the point of needing something like an oxygen device for many years, or some other debilitating or just frankly annoying dependency that interferes with our life, is the fact that we can not seem to connect points A and Z. in between is the spider web. at the spore is the creature that creates the butterfly effect so that that energy and everything that matches it reverberates out and out and out…to the point where we don’t recall how it began. we wait until there is no diagnosis left or therapist left to explain to us “why” xyz is still happening. and then, if we are open to understanding how energy and the physics of it works, we will begin to dismantle the spore…

which brings me more into the heart, the meat and potatoes of this post. so take me, for example. I have made many strides and steps forward in terms of eliminating abuse from my life. I consider myself strong and proactive and I will not sit around and blame the world for things that happen to me. that said, the butterfly effect was still very pronounced for me, even years after I cut out the abuse. and let’s be clear about defining abuse: when a person is sick, disordered, actively abusive, and they will not acknowledge or remedy it and they make everything about them your fault, that is abuse. the only option is to get away, or you will go down with them. anyhow, I noticed the butterfly effect in my life for quite a while. of course I went to therapy, continued much self-work and analysis, really took care of my physical and spiritual health, and generally tried to be the best version of myself that I could be…yet I wondered why these butterfly effect situations kept popping up. was I choosing them? or was the spore of the darkness of my abuse gripping on for dear life? yes, it was the latter. mostly.

when we let go of something — cut it out, even blessing it with love as we cut it out — it takes time to lose its power. as it is attempting EVERYTHING in its power to survive (remember: it got its breath from abusing someone, not from loving someone), it will cling ONTO and THROUGH any person (vessel – yes, we are humans, we are also in tangible 3d form just like a computer and we all emit signals!) to get to us. as darkness gets its oxygen from light, it will attempt to navigate anything and anyone to reach us, if it has depended upon us its entire life for breath (life). when this happens, it will unconsciously (energetically!) pursue anything and anyone around us that is slightly porous, or slightly resembles a match to that dark spore energy. we can not be smart enough to spot it at first, and especially if we have been abused, we will overlook telltale obvious signs. it does this to find a way to survive with us, in us, as long as possible. until…we are able to dismantle the reverberation.

now, the reverberation lives inside anyone or anything that resembles the dark spore that will allow it in. it is tricky. it might look nice. if we are trapped in ego (hello, Hollywood people!), we will go with the flashy and ignore the gut. we will be deceived until we can recognize ENERGY — PEOPLE — not images. anyhow, I digress slightly… as we grow spiritually and psychologically (hence morally and intellectually and cognitively), we will begin to recognize the reverberations or butterfly effects of the spore of darkness we once battled — and this is only assuming that we cut out the dark spore, or dealt with it, to begin with! do you see why so many people are sick and suffering? there are so many layers to this…

so back to my personal example. over recent years as I seemed to “miss” signals, or whatever in terms of where this darkness might live and within whom, I always learned a new lesson. it seemed, though, that I would never stop being deceived. I began to realize that it just takes time, after you exterminate a basement, for all of the roaches to come out and die. it’s just time. it’s not our fault or responsibility to catch every single roach, because the reverberation of the extermination can just take time. as I began to witness my own life and how certain people in it were still mirroring the vibration of certain people and things in my past, I began to see something new: I saw the spores of energy of the darkness matching the situations at hand. and then I saw this: once the reverberations were done, once the final roaches were done vacating the premises, I was approaching a space in which I had never before lived: safety and protection. it took a lot to get there and it was not all psychological. some of these tests were so difficult and so insidious, and took a year or two to solve. a recent test took me a full year. and I realized that one of the only missing links besides just TIME, was my fear of killing that spore roach. something inside of me still felt badly and protective over the dark spore and past abuse/r.

I had to sit down and recall all of the times that my life was in jeopardy and I didn’t say anything as a child. I had to recall all of the times that I was never, ever protected, and the fear that came along with speaking up and saying the truth. I had to think about how I was made to feel guilty and pay for other people’s mistakes. and I had to really converse with myself on these matters, at least all of the ones that I could remember, in order to kill the “current” situations at hand that mirrored spores of the past. I had to be willing to put an abuser in their place instead of letting them feed from my core. the past and the present began to blend together in a strange way. the pull that I felt to protecting my abuser/s was and is still at times, intense. I had to confront the fear of retaliation for speaking up FULLY now, and allow myself to know that it isn’t the same as being a small child with no protection and the threat of life on all levels — physical, psychological and spiritual — involved. if I could truly do this, perhaps this would weaken the spore. and then…I felt guilty for weakening the spore…and I will explain why…

when I have worked with cases of extreme abuse, I have seen something each time. the abuser suffers immediately after a session. this is never intentional, and certainly not something I want to happen no matter what the offense. but by the law of physics, you can’t take back your light and share it at the same time. you can’t control how someone else is made. if they have gotten their breath from your body mind and or spirit, and they refuse to come from a place of light or replace their darkness with light, yes, they will feel the loss of the oxygen that is you. let me be clear: that which IS, you, is yours. not anyone else’s. you do not owe your breath to darkness just because it has always been that way. and so, I had to contend with the fact that I knew, that if I were to do what was right for me, by the law of physics, the spore of darkness/abuse that I endured would suffer. and it was the same fear I had when I was small, and I could not speak up — because I knew it would weaken them. and I was a child. I still needed to be taken care of. but, how far was that getting me as an adult now? the guilt started to fade into the desire to be entitled to ME – my actual self. nothing more and nothing less…

I thought back to a male stalker (a Doctor, to boot) who pursued me for ridiculous things to help his business, a man in a wheelchair who sexually harassed me nonstop for a year, and other decrepid humans who felt entitled to me, just because. I had the opportunity to put both of them in jail, and I did not. as I sat with a detective in one case, he said to me: if you allow us to arrest him, he can’t come after you again. instead, I just felt too guilty. this was less than a decade ago. I was just too conditioned and afraid of very old consequences that came with defending myself. my point in saying this is not that I am a victim, because I am not, and no I do not even resonate with that word. also, no, I never dated any of these people, thank God. I’ve dated mostly very nice men, so something cosmically and ironically has looked out for me on that front despite all other patterns. the situations that I have attracted or — rather that have followed me — though, have been angry, controlling, bitter men. gay, straight, handicapped, it doesn’t matter. the energy of aggression and fear has been part of this butterfly effect, before and after I made concrete decisions to cut what I could cut consciously and tangibly from my life.

recently I went through something that was so over the top, it is almost too unbelievable to talk about. last year, I also went through something equally unbelievable and criminal. both with men. one I had never even met in my life. the other, I had hired briefly. when I thought about the facts involved, and how long this was able to continue for so long, I realized that each situation was the death grip of the tangible cut I made some years ago. they were and are butterfly effects of that very spore of darkness. the spore of abuse that I was accustomed to. and I do not regret any decisions I have made or not made along the way, and I was always doing the best that I could at the time. as soon as I know better…I do better. so with all of this said, being the peacenik that I am, I realized I had to, for once in my life, be an aggressor of action. the butterfly effect of the past had made its way into my sphere for one last hoorah, and I had to get over 1) knowing that the initial spore energy would lose its power and whatever happened to them is not my fault and 2) my fear of retaliation came from the mind’s eye of a tiny child who was conditioned with fear and 3) that this is the final spore of butterfly effect and reverberation energy I will likely ever have to deal with on this front.

as I think about all of this cumulatively, it is never about being perfect or “ending” bad things from happening; rather it is understanding how energy moves and shapeshifts in our lives. if we are still dealing with the SAME patterns, which may show up in MANY different and surprising and certainly deceiving forms, then we are connected to that spore energy. even if the spore in tangible form has been removed. there are so many steps involved in such a process, and instead of seeing it as a curse, I choose to see it as more knowledge and experience to use toward helping others. I also recognize that for me, personally, like someone stupidly once said to me, “this must just be (your) my time”. well, it’s my time because I said it would be my time. and, it is “my time” because I am equipped to help others do the same. it’s not about being talented or great, it is about passing the buck and empowering others to bring light to their lives so that they can have an easier day. or week. or year. or, whatever.

after this seeming last wormhole I am going through, I see that life will never be the same again. I’ve chosen safety over familiarity. though nothing is ever our fault when it comes to abuse, we are indeed rewarded when we can learn and be open to the intangible energy that speaks to us on levels that quantitative society does not understand or credit. psychology only goes so far. energy and physics go everywhere.

I often like to document the nuances of my life, yes often in cryptic form to bubble off other people who do not serve any purpose to be brought attention to on the human plane, so that as new events unfold and manifest, there is a track record that some people may look at and really connect to. also, if I didn’t document things in real-time, they may carry less significance hence revelation, later on. we are collectively in a revelatory space in which this information is important because across the board and in all industries the tangible is becoming less and less reliable. I hope this post makes sense to those of you who resonate with these subjects and notions, and I hope that my overarching message is seen as a journey and not a destination. we always do the best that we can in each new moment, bringing new awareness, and then the world around us takes shape – not the other way around.

here is how the butterfly effect of abuse finally cycles out. we become aware of the spore. we take action. we learn what a reverberation and butterfly effect is. we do our best. it keeps happening. we keep doing our best. and one day, when we feel like the cycle will never end, it does. with one last fading and unsuccessful slippery death grip.